How can I get my 12yrs son to be more open with me. I try to talking with him, he clams up or brushes me off?

Question

I am a single mom working Mon thru Fri and home by 6pm. I cook dinner 5 times out of a week. He is an only child, but has plenty of cousins and a few friends. I don't even have a male friend taking away our time together. Weekends are usually open to whatever. I also participate in his Boyscouting events which he likes for me to attend but conversing with him is like pulling teeth and its frustrating me to the point where I want to take him to a counselor or something. I dont know if it is me doing something because he won't tell me, everything is a quick NO or I don't know. He is a great kid otherwise. :(

Answer 1

It's very hard being a single mom of a son at that akward age. There are so many changes that he is going through and he is starting to thing of himself as a man so to him talking to mom isn't cool. My cousin had the same problem with her son. She came up with a neat solution. They wrote letters. I know it sounds silly but it might be easier for your son to tell you what is going on in his life without having to actually say it. She went out and bought a small mailbox and put it in the kitchen then she told her son if there was ever anything he needed to talk about but was too embarassed he could write her a letter. Once a week she would put a letter in the box telling him about her week, funny things that happened to her, bad days at work, and a few general questions about school and what was going on in his life. He responded really well. After a month or two of doing this he opened up one day and told her about a girl he had a crush on. Major Breakthrough! She also found he was more open to talking when they were in the car together. Studies have proven that men are more open to discussion when they are sitting next to someone as opposed to face to face. It is supposed to be more non-confrontational and make them feel more in control. Just some ideas to try. But if you are really worried that there is something going on in his life that you need to know about try and find a male relative that can have a chat with him, if he has no relatives he is close to maybe you could talk to his boy scout troop leader and see what he thinks. Good luck!

Answer 2

This age group must be having a hard time. My son is 13 and every thing like you said is nothings wrong or no. He is failing school now and I don't understand it. He has always been a good student and very active in sports. I have been thinking of a counselor because it seems to be getting worse. He has other siblings but I feel he may be a little jealous but he claims he is not jealous. So girl I know how you feel to have to work and come home to a child that wont talk about whats wrong.

Answer 3

Hey, this is normal for a 12 yr old. Give the child some space.
It is the growing stage where they try to find themselves.
This phase will pass. It is best to just go with the flow and dont make him grow up too fast. He is not a minature growup.
Let the child be a child, hormones are flowin at this age.
Leave him notes if u want to get a message across or email each other.

Answer 4

First off, I must say you and your spouse did a lot of harm by thinking of yourselves and not him when you separated. So, first you must get his trust and respect.
You are too eager and come across nosey. You have to do it in an indirect way, like take a walk together. Have him dry the dishes or pots and pans as you wash them. Or do some other chores together. Then don't push him, just be there to listen and don't be judgemental when he opens up. Of course he will never open up completely, no child would. There will always be a generation gap. But zip your lip when you feel you must make a negative comment or give advice when he hasn't asked for it.
Mutual respect and trust are the foundation of all good relationships.
Give him his privacy and don't dump on him about your worries and problems. He has enough without taking on yours.

Answer 5

Stop talking and start listening to this boy. He has probably suffered a deep loss and has clammed up his deepest emotions so they are not so painful.

Time will show what these issue are. But for now, engage in games/activities he likes and climb into his world as much as possible. Once he sees you care and spend time with him, he may open up.

Also, at 12, this boy is getting pressures from many sides. His pals, school buddies and friends all have influence on him. He is not a child anymore. Try not to treat him like a 6 year old as he is not.

Finally, consider getting him into therapy or some kind of group activity at a warm and caring church. Once he finds other kids that have to deal with similar losses, he will not feel so isolated and probably open up like a rainbow. Give it time...

Swez

PS My parents spent 90% of their time, talking at me, giving orders and telling me to shut up and sit still. That really stunted my growth well into College. So, I clammed up too. Wouldn't most kids?

Answer 6

im 14 and i can say i think i know where he's comin from. my mom is a single parent to and since shes my mom i didnt feel comfortalbe talking to her except about whats for dinner or can i get some new threads//shoes. then she started
tryin to start casual convos wit me. and askin how my day was an what i did an just talk wit me about things that interest me.

it worked cuz i started to feel more like she was interested in my life and whats going down in it

you should set aside a day where its just you and him and you guys can do w/e. maybe even sometimes buy him a lil gift that he really has been eyein for doing extra chores or something. i can gurentee u if he is kinda like me he will start talking to you about random stuff.

like me my mom and sis do stuff every other friday after my sports and sis' sports. sometimes we go to the movies or snowboardin or small vacations

but there are still alota things i dont want to talk to my mom about. and theres a fine line where you dont try and be his best friend and remember to be his mom. a lil bit of space would be alright to. i get kinda frustrated when my mom wants to know every little thing about where im going//what im doing// questions asked like 24/7

Answer 7

do NOT take him to a councillor! that will really make him feel wonderful inside & make him want to spill all his dark little 12 yr old boy secrets to you. other than that you dont seem an overly nosey parent (a lot of the time you can tell by the question) so you firstly should treat him not like your son, like an equal that'll help a bit & dont ask nose questions, dont act desperate for answers, if he says no believe him. trust him like you would your friends. that''ll do a bit i think. anyhow ever thought he just might not enjoy talking to adults who never relent with the endless lists of stupid questions? for example "What did you do today?" that is on of the most annoying repetative questions i have ever been asked, do not ask anyone that question, if people ask you, slap them.

Answer 8

First off I want to say you sound like a great mom but my advice is this.Give the boy some space but let him know that if there for anything and you mean anything(sex drugs girls alcohol)anything! that you are there with open ears and a closed mouth.Many kids fear talking to their parents cause they don't want advice they just want someone to listen.So if you can do that for him and let him know that I'm pretty sure he'll open up but give him time.

Answer 9

Hey I have a 12 son along with 2 other children, this is a thing for 12 yr olds. their hormones are going crazy right now. This puberty thing is pure H---!! He is probably embarrased to talk to you about these feelings he is having. If it doesn't go any further than him not wanting to talk to you I think you two will be alright. But if you suspect anything else please get outside help

Answer 10

It's frustrating isn't it? I have two boys, 12 and 15. I let them know that I am always available to talk and that we can talk about anything. I have found that some of the best talks are when we are in the car. Just let him know you are available and he can talk about anything. they do open up. It just has to be in their time frame. Hang in there. They do come around in time.