Someone with kids whos getting divorced Please help I'm confused, Im I wrong or is he! HELP ME w/ real advice

Question

I met someone a few months ago & been dating, He still is married but seperated, He has a 2 year old boy, which I have not met yet, He picks his son up everyother weekend. He said at first the divorce was just not finaly yet, I found out now that they like it this way, because they can do there taxes together & she still get covered with health benifits....This bothers me alot, I haven't said TO MUCH yet b/c its only been a few months, I thought they might persue the divorce after this tax season. I was excided about thanksgiving b/c I wanted to ask him to go with me, But I just asked him what he does for thanksgiving and he told me he goes to his familys & at night he goes to the wifes house and has dinner with them (wife & son) Now I think there is something wrong with that, when I said so, he got mad & said people don't have to hate each other, Me and her just like hang out with our son together & thats all. How do I get it through his head that this isn't right, or am I wrong. HELP

They have been seperated for 2 years and live in different homes. But they have a son together, But I just don't think they can move on with there lives like this. His son is the most important thing to him, But he is the most important thing to me! so...what do I do?

Its not a cheating factor, its a spending time with "family" factor, I want him to spend time with his son, I just don't know why he has to do it with her.

Answer 1

You are "BOTH RIGHT"...... It depends on what you want and need. If you are the jealous type or need to have your mans' attention all the time - then it is probably better you find someone with less "baggage". It sounds like he may still have feelings for his ex. though. It is possible,and very good for the child, for the parents to remain friends and not "hate" one another.But, to stay married for "tax reasons" or whatever sounds as if they are not done with each other. If you are going to be involved with someone who has kids be prepared to be able to understand the commitment he has for his kids. Would you want to be with someone who abandoned their kids just because the marriage didn't work???? It might be you someday with his kids in the same situation....Just a thought..... Peace............

Answer 2

This might clue you in on something... has he ever mentioned whether his ex is seeing someone... if so than that's a plus for you... and does the ex know about you... next thing... he is a married man so until the divorce is final... you have no say regardless of how long you have been dating or how long they have been apart... and him puting his sons feeling first... the times he spends with his sons mom may be something that goes on even after the divorce... you better prepare yourself for a lot of fights and heartache... I've been there... you need to find someone that is at least 2 years out of a divorce or single... it sounds like they haven't really commited to the divorce yet... as far as you know this could just be a trial seperation... and as far as convincing him that your way is the right way... that won't never happen... don't care what anyone says... the son is his priority and what ever is for the good of the child will come first... I can tell by the way you described him... sorry... my opinion

Answer 3

i'm 19 and me and my bf have been jointly for 4 years and we are actually not even making plans a marriage suited now. we've observed it and can prefer to sometime yet we neither everybody is financially waiting for something like that. Wait until you get out of school. Get an entire time interest, a automobile, and could pay your individual expenses and stuff first. i'm finally on my own and that i've got discovered plenty that i think of will help me as quickly as I do get married, by way of fact i'm plenty extra in charge now. yet besides, yet another component, the way my BF and that i see that's, If we've been meant to be jointly, what's the push? For us there is none, by way of fact the time isn't suited. i prefer to have a great wedding ceremony and a great existence thereafter, and that i understand that if we jumped into it now it would not be great by way of fact we'd be broke, and under pressure, and who knows what else. and those are the varieties of issues that could convey approximately separation and divorce and that i actually do no longer prefer that. Please do no longer forget which you're nonetheless so youthful and the longer you wait the extra arranged you would be. you're able to no longer could ask a team of people on line if the time is suited besides. it particularly is once you're able to understand that it is not. whilst the time is suited you will understand. And no person will could help you're making up your suggestions. wish this enables. good success.

Answer 4

I Agree it's best to be friends with the ex, especially if there are children involved. Much easier said than done, however. It sounds to me like he's not really ready to let go yet. Possibly, they just needed a little space. The taxes can be resolved easily through the divorce. That's not an issue. He can still cover her on benefits as well, though no court would mandate that, or at least not for any length of time. You also need to consider the fact that he is cheating on her with you and probably cheating on you with her. You need to move on and take care of yourself. This is a good situation for him but a dead end for you. Surely you deserve better. All those concerns he has can be eassily addressed and resolved through a divorce decree, especially if he is so eager to provide for her. Move on!!!

Answer 5

Wow, this could be one of two things honey and being that it's just a new relationship, it might be time to remove yourself from the equation. This is complicated and it appears you aren't comfortable with the way things are.

I know it's close to impossible to comprehend, but believe it or not, there are alot of people who choose to live this way. They benefit from the tax breaks in not filing for divorce and their children benefit imensely if the parents aren't bitter. The reality is that you seem to have been terribly wronged before and you are carrying this baggage of distrust into this relationship. If he's a great guy hon, then you know he's going to do the right thing and in doing so, there are certain things you aren't going to like. For example the Thanksgiving dinner. This may be a little awkward, but for the sake of the children involved, rather than dragging that little boy here and there, they've decided to have it in one place. You are new to this...too new to invite, especially since you haven't even met his son yet.

But that is what also brings me to the one of two options that are going on. IF, he's being honest and this is how it is, then he's doing the right thing and holding off the meeting between you and his child until he knows the relationship with you is going to last. It's very commendable and, although, hard, it's the right way to go about it. BUT, if you've caught him in some questionable situations and you doubt some of the things that he is telling you, then he also may be outright lying and you are his little fling on the side.

You are the one in this relationship, only you know the surrounding facts, I can only comment on your dilema from my interpretation of what you wrote, I honestly believe that he's being honest and you need to either learn to go with the flow until he's comfortable enough with you to make you a bigger part of his life, or you need to step aside and find a man that doesn't have so many complications in his life. Word of caution though...if he is being honest and things are what they seem, then you should know that men like this do NOT come along too often sweetie. He may be the one worth holding on to.

So instead of getting mad, and voicing your opinion, simply tell him your TRUE concerns and ask questions....you'll feel better knowing, rather then letting your imagination run wild.

I wish you luck!

Answer 6

I can relate somewhat to what he is doing. After I got separated, I was so scared of losing my relationship with my daughters, I would still spend time with them and their mother. I felt guilty for breaking up the family (even though she cheated on me). BUT, he has to move on at some point. It's been 3 years now for me and I do my own thing with my girls now without their mother. He's gonna lose you if he doesn't realize this. Be careful how you approach him with it, b/c he might take it the wrong way, but you definitely need to let him know that it bothers you... and that you are probably going to leave if things don't change.

Answer 7

Well...you don't want to steer him into not spending time with his son and his family b/c that's wrong and he could wind up resenting you for that! I think it's great that he's not in conflict with his ex b/c that would be rough for not only you two and your relationship together but for his son as well. Now...if he is in a relationship with you he has to take your feelings into consideration whether he agrees or not! I don't think there's anything wrong with you wanting to spend time with him on thanksgiving and he should make time for you. Honestly the fact that he's not getting his divorce is bothering me a little. I am seperated now and I share my husband's medical benefits and am truly grateful for it so you have to understand that perspective but I have no intention of keeping this arrangement going! It's just a matter of time in my situation before we are truly divorced. Has he discussed with you any future plans of divorce? Taking in what you wrote it sounds like this is an arrangement they have and although I can understand that it isn't giving you much security! It kind of sounds like you have been taking a back seat in this situation and if it continues then you may always play this role! It's time you let him know with the upmost clarity that you are not comfortable with his entire situation! You have to be honest with yourself and decide if this is something you want to be involved in. Can you handle this situation if it continues? If not then you need to seek someone who can offer you what you need b/c you have to realize that his son and his ex wife are going to be a part of his life! In order for you to be involved with him you have to be understanding of this and not feel threatend otherwise it's best you disengage yourself! It can be hard but it would be harder for you to devote more time to a man who can't offer you all you may need! Trust yourself to make the right decision!

Answer 8

My husband & I are like that. We have been separated for awhile & will be getting a divorce. We still love each other but marriage just isn't for us. We have 4 children together. We "date" each other & when one of us dates someone else we are always upfront with them about our relationship with each other. Some people understand, others don't. My suggestion is this, if you aren't cool with the relationship he obviously still has with his wife then you should split. Save yourself the grief & time wasted. Good Luck.

Answer 9

Ask him one question? How would he feel if the shoe was on the other foot? Now... I agree , you don't have to dislike like your EX , however I think there should be a level of respect for the significant others feelings. Also I can say to some degree, he was up front with you about his relationship with his Ex , which now leaves the decision totally up to you. Are you willing to accept their closeness without feeling threatened ? If not... move on.

Answer 10

No you are not wrong, but by the same token he should be their in his childs life consistanly, b/c its not the childs fault that the dumb grown ups wont act mature. So get out of this relationship because hes not finished with his. Dont talk about it just do it. Look at it this way he has his wife and child and his girl on the side. And what do you have? him occasionally. You deserve your own man. Pay fifty dollars to E Harmony and get your own man.