Dealing with ex wife?

Question

Ok, if he was a jerk this would be easy. He is kind compassionate wonderful man. But, on the flip side...there is the ex-wife.
When we first got together, I knew that things were going to be hard for her (seeing us together) so out of respect for what they had and the kids that they have brought into the world I tried to be understand and even compassionate. Now she is attacking my charcater, I know that I will have to deal with her for the rest of our lives. He gave me a ring (btw awesome..the zales diamond) I said I have to think about it. The question is not about love, the love is there, the question is can I survive this relationship without wanting to strangle both of them? Him for not taking a stand, her for not being mature enough to handle our relationship

Answer 1

Keep in mind that when you get married, you're not just marrying the man, you're marrying his family. Unfortunately for you, his family involves children and by association, their loony mother.

I think you need to discuss your reason for hesitation with . Do not be confrontational or demand things, as that will make him feel like he has to defend himself (and possibly her). Just talk. Then let him talk. If you are simply explaining your feelings without any accusations and he becomes defensive, then I would worry. If his response is satisfactory, then lean toward the "yes."

Unfortunately, if you choose to marry him, she will be a part of your life. You can hope that after the wedding she will accept that you're the new wife, but there's no guarantee (and it could get worse!). My husband had a kind of obsessed ex-fiancé (thank goodness no children were involved), and the month of our wedding, he took her out to dinner and just talked. She actually approached it like a rational human being and realized that he wasn't marrying me to spite her and that he wasn't the person that he was when they were dating.

I hope for your sake that something like that can happen and that things do calm down. I also admire you for taking the time to think it through rather than just saying yes and plunging ahead with the potential of being miserable later! Congratulations on the proposal, and best of luck!

Answer 2

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Answer 3

I am the ex- in this scenario so I am wondering if you were involved while they were married? The woman who ended up marrying my guy was with him before we split so YES I despise her! Out of respect for the KIDS all adults should carry on their lives on their own time and not put the kids in situations where there is going to be conflict. If you came into the picture AFTER the divorce/split then I would say the ex-wife is the one with the problem and try to be the bigger person. At least you will never regret your actions. Good luck

Answer 4

This is a good question, and an excellent way to look at it. Unfortunately, no one can answer it for you - what is acceptable to one person may be unacceptable to another. But I think this is exactly the way to frame the issue: will you be able to deal with this situation for as long as this relationship lasts (which, in the case of marriage, may mean a very long time)? As long as you're going into it with your eyes open, not expecting things to suddenly and miraculously change for the better when you're married, I think you will be able to arrive at a good decision that you will not regret - whatever this decision might be.

(For what it's worth, I personally would not be able to deal with the spiteful ex wife and prior kids; but it doesn't mean it is true for everyone.)

Answer 5

I also have an ex wife who can really play hell with my job, finances, even some members of my family. I know that My current wife feels the effect of the ex's battles but try not to be so hard on him taking a stand. I did and it only made things worse. In time she will find something else to take up her time and you two can get on with your lives.

Answer 6

when you both got together you knew what was going to happen an how things were going to be you will have to deal with her till the kids are on there own so get used to that part so do not lower yourself to her standards no matter what she says an does show her you are better than her you got the diamond so that sayes a lot there how he feels about you you will just have to work with him an try an mold him an make him stronger ,,,(HE IS WEAK CAUSE HIS EX KNOWS HOW TO PLAY HIM AN KNOWS HIS WEAKNESSES AN SHE IS PLAYING ON IT) so be stronger an you will win this battle

Answer 7

Most important is how many children and can you refrain from reacting or allowing it be about you? It will be in how you choose to see it as for how it can work. These people have children together need to have a working relationship for the parenting of these children to be effective. You will need to allow space for this to transpire and if you can't do this then there will be a conflict of interest.Are you secure with yourself to allow him the needed freedom to spend with his ex wife and children. If you want to be a caring loving mate to this man you have to know his children are important in his life and they will allways come first. This goes with spending time with his ex wife. It may be more about you being mature enough to handel their relationship.
Please don't take offense. I am not discounting her behavior if it is inappropriate. You will need to not feed into it and remain unreacted by her. It will be important to the children and to your relationship with him. Your support of him is important and by not reacting, you then will not make it your problem. That will be the most supportive you can be. The relationship between them should remain between them. I would stay clear of her at all costs! Superficial contact if any at all!
When he brings his children around you, you will be able to establish a bond with them. Leave her out of it. Never discount her, it is their Mother regardless of her choices she makes. Finding fault with her is like finding fault with them. Good luck.

Answer 8

i married my husband 8 years ago that also comes with an ex..and three kids and i have three kids...the ex is a miserable @#$# and will never be happy..the way i looked at it was that it was a packaged deal..his kids my kids his ex and mine..but i loved him enough to want to accept all the crap and i dont dread a moment..i wouldnt change anything..yes things have been hard at time and some tears shed but...we love each other and know one day all the kids will be gone as will the ex's..

Answer 9

The fact that she's attacking you suggests she's very jealous, but sooner or later she'll have to accept that she's history and you're the one he wants. No doubt your man realises what a sad case she is, which makes it harder for him to take her seriously.

You'd take a lot of her power away if you didn't take her seriously either. Laugh at her, or look at her with such open compassion in your face that she, too, realises she is no threat to you and your relationship.

Answer 10

AS long as she is not phisically tring to hurt some one then let her talk!! Now he should take a stand and if he won't he may not be the person to protect you for the rest of your lives!!!