my feelings and porn?

Question

My husband looks at porn a lot and it really bothers me..I feel like i have tried everything I try to have sex with him as much as possible and he doesn't want to sometimes I try to watch porn with him but he says he doesn't need it though when I'm gone he looks at porn everytime..I really need some help..I want to understand him..I know that how i feel about it ITS MY FAULT..he tells me that its my fault cuz i have insecurities its true! i understand that..but i still feel angry that he looks at porn..i feel so depressed and undesireable..I even have sex with him whenever he wants even if i don't want to because i fear that if i don't have sex with him he will go and look at porn. I want to know how to get rid of this feeling..can someone help me??I want to be comfortable saying to myself "porn means nothing to him, and it doesn't bother me"...Do i need counseling because i feel this way about it..i feel weird because my husband says i should have no feelings about it..that its normal

Answer 1

Its not your fault, he is looking for excuses and you are the one he is blaming. I dont have a problem with men or women looking at porn, but when it takes the place of intimacy between the two of you then I consider it a problem. You shouldnt have to have sex with him in order for him to stop looking at porn, he is looking at it anyway, so nothing you can do and have done has been able to stop him. If your sex life with him was enhanced by his looking at porn it would be a totally different matter, but its not. It sounds to me like sex to you now is a duty rather than being a pleasure.

I think this man has a problem and you are taking his problems and placing them on your shoulders.

I dont know what the answer is because you have done and are doing everything and he is still blaming you for an unsatisfactory sex life. What is he doing....is he comparing the women he sees in the pornography with you? If that is the case it is wrong. He has to stop it. You need to tell him that his watching pornography is getting in the way of a healthy sex life, and you need to tell him straight that its not you who has the problem, its him.

Whilever you accept the blame for his shortcomings, he will continue to treat you like this. Its seems you are doing all the doing and he is doing nothing to cement your relationship. If I were you I would just tell him straight, tell him if he doesnt enjoy sex with you and would rather watch porn then it is a waste of time having sex. Turn it around on him, make him feel "bad" for a change. He is having it all his own way and what are you getting out of it?.....A whole lot of stress. You probably do not feel attractive, sexy or even worthy. You have to stop lowering yourself in trying to make him happy. Its called reverse psychology. Withdraw the sex totally and see how he likes it. Tell him if he is not satisfying you and all you feel now is having sex with him is a chore and you wont do it any more. You could even go as far as telling him that if he doesnt find you attractive and he is not interested in satisfying you, then you are sure their would be plenty of men who would. Take the hard line with him. He's got you over a barrel...he is blaming you for the lack of intimacy. You are doing everything right, yet it is still not good enough for him. Hes just a selfish SOB and you need to tell him that. Your needs are just as important as his needs, so stop seeing yourself as inferior to him. You are his equal. Yeah, maybe you do have some insecurities, but I bet if he loved you like he should your insecurities would slowly disappear. I believe your insecurities are being made worse by his behaviour. He needs to take some blame in all of this because I honestly think he is the one who is more to blame. He is the one who is making you insecure. Stand your ground with him, be strong. Stop pandering to him all the time. Be strong and make him accept his part of the blame.

You deserve much better than this, you really do.

Answer 2

Some people have guilty reactions, I did at first, like I liked it but it felt wrong. I guess its because we feel that we are exploiting someone else by watching porn. In truth your not though, the industry is so well regulated. The girls (and well the guys too) are very happy doing what they do. I worked at a porn studio for a short while, installing a new server and getting a website up and running and a few other bits and peices, I was there for a month, but talked to a lot of different people. They all seemed intelligent and happy to me. It can feel like your guy isn't into you as well, like he needs porn to subsidise you in a way. In truth again this is false. Guys watch porn because well we like sex, nothing more. It doesn't show any adulterous intentions. Its the act not the girl. remember that. If you get people telling you about how it is wrong or what ever, well ignore them. How ever If you really feel uncomfortable with it then ask your boyfriend not to watch it around you, because you don't like it.

Answer 3

Ana, stop thinking this is your fault. There is a big difference between looking at a beautiful picture of a woman and porn. All the feelings you are experiencing are what every normal women would feel if they had the same husband. As for advice, Geez I'm doing horrible today! might want to get someone more in the know. I would suggest trying to raise your own self esteem instead of you trying to raise your husbands. Focus on work, if you don't have a job, nows a good time. If things keep heading in this direction you may need the $'s. Just don't beat yourself up over this. It is in no way your fault. Wish I had some wisdom for you to make it all go away, but I don't, but keep reading, lots of wise people on this site tonight!

Answer 4

First, your husband is wrong becuase him watching it does bother you. That is real and he does not want to deal with that reality. Second, porn is not real for the viewer. It sets up unrealistic values in the viewers mind about intimacy. The fact that he keeps watching it tells me he is addicted to it. There is nothing you will be able to match, because the addiction is as strong as ant other addiction. You both may need professional counseling. If you and you husband have a strong and healthy communication level you need to discuss the impotance of remaining focused on each other. This is a key factor for a long and healthy marriage. Your needs are met by him and his needs are met by you. But, there must be a willingness by both parties to accomplish this. You husband may not be willing. He is probably in denial, because you say he believes him watching porn should not affect you. Well until he realizes his selfihness in that you should be more important to him than some fantasy sexual experince it will be a long road to fulfillment in yhe marriage for you, and for him. I say this because, he is not fully getting gratified by watching his porn. He may be using that as an excuse because for some reason he is not confident that he can satisfy you. This does not mean there is any fualt of yours only that he may be insecure. Once again you both may need professional counseling to resolve this matter. It is not hopeless and it can be solved with perseverance and love by both parties

Answer 5

First off THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!! This is a behavior and we all choose our behaviors. Porn is an evil, terriible thing. I think it is the worst way that women are degraded and disrespected. Any man who looks at it cannot possible have respect for the women in his life, his wife, mother, sisters, daughters etc...

This also is NOT Normal behavior. This is sick behavior. There are many out there who would try to convince you that this is perfectly normal, but it is not.

Your husband is the one who needs counseling. Not only is this a sick behavior, it is also and addiction. One that is very difficult to break. He needs to get in a program that will require him to change.

In the meantime, if you want to go to counseling do. But make sure that you find someone who won't justify his behavior. Also find someone who will not blame this on you. Approach this as you getting the tools to help him get over this.

The other thing that you need to consider is that he may not want to change. He may just tell you that he does to get you off his back. So if that is the case, you need to accept that fact. That is hard, but that is how it is. Once you have accepted that, you need to decide what you are going to do about that, can you live with that or not. Are you going to accept it and stay with him, to do that, I would say that you need to stop nagging him about it. Just accept that is who he is and as hard as it may be for you, you will need to just deal with it and move on. If you decide that you can't live with it, then that means that you can't live with him. That may sound harsh, but that is an option that you need to consider. Neither of these decisions can be taken lightly, you need to put a lot of thought, consideration and prayer into making the decsion. But Ultimately YOU and ONLY YOU can decide how you will deal with him.

One last thing- if you have children, you need to consider how his behavior willl influence your children. Even moreso, how will your reaction infulence them. If you just accept the behavior, you will be sending them a message that the behavior is okay. Do you want your sons to grow up thinking it is okay? or do you want them to know that it is completely unacceptable?

Good luck. I hope all works out well for you.

Answer 6

It's not your fault, it is normal to feel that way. Our human nature is designed to attach and bond with one partner and it causes us to feel betrayed when that partner lusts after someone else. Some women are ok with it, which is their own choice and that's fine for them. However insecurity has nothing to do with wanting your husband to only look at you that way. Your husband and every man that uses that excuse of saying "gus can't help it, we need it" or "every guy does it, no big deal" are just making excuses. Not every man does it, and those with any concience only TRY to justify it because deep down they feel bad for hurting the women the love. It takes a real man to admit it's not normal for a married man and to give it up for their spouse.

It sounds to me though like your husband has an addiction to it. Either that or he may just not care about your feelings. I would seek help in counseling.

Answer 7

When it comes to porn I am a take it or leave it kinda girl. I feel if there is a natural healthy appetite for it. Then it's cool. But there's a thin line between liking to look and obsession. He may feel uncomfortable watching ti with you, so he sneaks when your not around. He knows how you feel about it.
As far as being insecure, you say that you are. Are you concerned that these women are sexier, younger and cuter than you, that he may be fantasizing what it would be like to be with them. Then that's not insecurity. If he's fantasizing about what it would be like to have sex with them. He's being unfaithful in his heart.
How would he like it if you started chatting with men in chat rooms. His excuse is that he's not interacting with these photos and porn. That's his poison not yours. I bet he would be upset and feel the way your feeling.
First believe there is nothing wrong with you. Do what you can to feel better about yourself, for you no one else. Maybe it will bother you a little less. Ask him to be open, not sneak anything. So you don't feel so deceived. Good luck

Answer 8

OMG!!!!! It's not your fault!!!!! Wait til you see how many responses you get on this one. If you have offered to watch with him and he has an issue with it, that is complete bull. He is the one with the problem. He's living in a fantasy world. No woman wakes up looking all primped and perfect. When you are looking at a video or a pic they are perfectly done, make up hair etc. Gimme a break he needs to step into reality. No woman looks good like that everyday. We have to live and we can't spend 14 hours in the mirror. Tell him how you feel and if he doesn't work with you then obviously he is not being considerate to how he is making you feel. I'd feel insecure too if my guy wanted to look at porn rather than be with me. Sounds to me like he is the one who needs counseling. I could see if you had said no I won't look at it with you but you even offered yourself up to be a part of something that turns him on and he's in denial about his addiction. He can only look at it alone because he feels guilty. If he thought it were right he would have no problem doing it in front of you. He's making you feel bad about yourself and it's not you!!!!! The internet/fantasy world makes it so easy for guys and girls for that matter to be disrespectful to the significant other in your life. Tell him to wake up and join the real world.

Answer 9

I think having negative feelings about porn is absolutely normal. I myself don't mind if my husband looks at porn every once in a while (I do that too) - but it would upset me if he was so preoccupied with it that it was affecting our life together. There are plenty of times for him to look at it while I'm not around; I don't need to know, and I don't really care. It's just I would find it totally disrespectful if he was watching it while I was around if I stated it bothered me. I think, at the very least, your husband needs to find his own personal time to look at this stuff, and leave you out of it. He doesn't need to have it right there in your face. Second - looking at porn has nothing to do with how much sex a person has or doesn't have. These two seem to be quite unrelated, so if you're trying to remedy the porn problem by catering to his sexual appetites, you're barking up a wrong tree. Third - if his desire to watch porn interferes with his daily functioning, including work, family, hobbies, it is called "addiction", and has to be treated aggressively; and for things to change, he has to WANT to change. There isn't much you can do if he doesn't see it as a problem, and doesn't want to change things. Good luck.

Answer 10

Its normal to feel unsecure. Look at those girls they are nothing compared to someone real. As i have answered these questions before. Ill reply with the same answer. Your husband is addicted. It is a disease just like alcoholism. When looking at it enough the person gets unrealistic look at life. The more he looks at it the more he may detest you. Maybe because you dont look like that or you dont do things like that to him. Try counseling and talk to someone about what you are feeling. Maybe try talking to him again. I just dont understand why some men are like it means nothing and then the come off like your husband. I understand where you are coming from and if you need to talk more email me.