I'm not happy anymore.We've been married for 26 years and the bad outweighs the good by far.We have 5 children

Question

whom are all grown with the exception of 1 16 year old.My daughter and her 2 kids live with us as well. I have wanted to go to couseling for a long time,he won't go.He works alot and NO he is not "messinng"around.We have alot of family issues that are not EVER going to be worked out.He drinks alot but he says he's not hurting anyone because he is not a violent person or anything so he thinks it's ok but it makes me sick because he comes in EVERYDAY with beer.He will make promises about lets do this or lets do that but then he forgets because he is drunk when he makes the promises.FORGET getting help with the drinking,not going to happen. At this point my only concern is my 16 yr old who is a jr. in h.s. What will this do to him if we split? I know it won't be easy but he is already having some problems with grades/school eventho he is very athletic. My spouse makes good money and I only work 30 hrs a week so my income is limited but I can't do this anymore,I am miserable.

Answer 1

Wait 2 more years until your child graduates and then start a new life. And use these next 2 years to quietly plan your future, save money, etc.

Answer 2

The people who say you should just be miserable for two more years for the sake of your son don't understand the way bad marriages hurt the children more than separating does. Your husband will have to support his child, and you can probably get reasonable spousal support (alimony) as well after 26 years and five kids. Money should not be the deciding factor - he will have to help you financially, at least until your youngest is 18. You may have to switch to a full-time job, but you'll have more free time without him.

You are miserable - why prolong it any longer? Start by seeing a good lawyer. If you have a friend who recently went through a divorce, ask for a recommendation. Your husband is a drinker who does not want to quit. You can't change him, so ending the marriage is the best thing.

But go for a legal separation first rather than an immediate divorce. Unless you meet someone else, there is no need to slam the door. This could be enough of a wakeup call that your husband will get help for his alcoholism, and there could still be a happy ending for you two. It's rough to throw away 26 years together, but by staying with him, you act as an enabler.

Good luck. This won't be easy, but you'll be okay after just a short time. Do whatever keeps your courage high. I'm betting your grown kids will say it's about time.

Answer 3

Vanamont 7 is wrong - if you really are that unhappy it can indeed get worse - if you stay. I was miserable with my husband and reached a point where I knew that whatever the consequences I could not stay with him. When I told him how I felt, it didn't occur to him to tell me that he loved me or suggest we try to work things out. No, he objected that if we split we would both go bankrupt. I said "If we go bankrupt, we go bankrupt, but I can't stay with you." As it is, it turned out I didn't know the half of it. I thought he was in control of the finances, in fact he was running up debts. He got a new credit card after we split and within 3 months he'd run up another £9,000. I tightened my belt financially, got fitter and a LOT happier even though I had no money. I am now well on the way to financial health whilst my ex is rushing headlong towards bankruptcy, spending money he doesn't have on eBay.

You do what's going to make you happy, don't waste any more time. Certainly consider putting off the actual split until your son is 18, or even 17, but in the meantime, withdraw from your husband emotionally and begin saving and planning for your future. There is nothing to stop you seeing a lawyer now even though you may not plan to separate yet, and get advice on the finances. Open a bank account and salt some money away for a deposit on a home. Don't let things get acrimonious with your husband though - be polite and friendly. I would suggest you move into a separate bedroom if you can. You can use this time to prepare yourself for your new life, even get some training to improve your earning potential. 30 hours a week is nearly full-time.

You may even find that once you know your freedom is on the horizon, the mood at home will improve and your son will feel happier and be able to do better at school.

Good luck.

Answer 4

Well, if you are miserable, then you do need a plan.

Since he sounds pretty easy going and what you have to say should not be a surprise....have conversation. Tell him you want to leave the relationship, but that you have concerns for your son.

Research where you would want to live, how much it takes to make it independently, and find out what time if any he intends to spend with his son. Discuss finances with your husband. Where are the daughter and 2 kids going? Do they stay with Dad? Have conversation with this daughter....what does she think?

Is it feasable that Dad could find a place close to the house?

When you discuss this transition, speak to people with respect. Respond to what they are telling you. Do not react. Respond. Think of what you want to say, take a breath, and say it calmly and respectfully. This teaches Respect.

See if he won't be part of the plan.....if he won't participate with making this all easier.....he already knows the relationship is going in this direction.....find a plan that makes the split easiest on everyone, including you.....

Answer 5

I agree with Morgan but you need to think about yourself, too. You can't live like this for another 2 years until you 16 year old graduates. You said you're miserable and you can't do this anymore.
I'm guessing your youngest knows about your family problems? It will hurt a kid it doesn't matter how old they are. You said you have 5 kids, say your oldest is 20, it will still hurt her/him as well as your youngest.
So it doesn't really matter if you divorce now or in two years. Well you can't really say it doesn't matter either....oh man, this is indeed very difficult. Did you ever talk to a counselor alone? Maybe get financially help because you said you can't make it on your own if you split up.
Don't try to think about you 16 year old too much, yes he/she might be an issue with the split but think about your life, too.

Hope i helped at least a little bit and good luck with everything. You'll get through this!

Answer 6

when YOU know it's over, it's over. 26 years of marriage is nothing to let go of easy, my heart goes out to you. i understand how you feel from personal experience on both ends of the stick. for goodness sakes, get a lawyer and go for it. there's no time like the present. tell this lawyer, that you will pay attorneys fees from the settlement of your divorce. your husband may make more money than you, that's no big deal, he will be court ordered to provide support for his children that are under 21 and you can petition for college tuition, health insurance, alimony, dividing of marital property and assets, etc. if you are unhappy, your husband refuses to compromise or seek counseling, i can tell you that it will not improve on it's own. you can't just wait for it to change, it won't. your husband obviously is not concerned that his drinking affects other people in his family. you have put up with enough. go see an lawyer. your 16 year old needs to know that it's not okay to live as an alcoholic. take your kid out of that house. kids are very in tune with what's going on around them, it's no wonder he's having problems in school. it's good that he's athletic, and you support that. you have to do this for your kid before it's too late, but more important, you have to do this for yourself. you will know when the time is right.

Answer 7

Does your husband know the stage your discontentment has reached?Lets look at what happens when a couple like yourselves divorce.Both of you suddenly find yourselves alone, the familiar becomes unfamiliar.You both try to attract a partner by dieting, workouts etc,etc.in the process you a hurting other people as well as yourselves both emotionally and financially. Now why dont you both sit down and look at it the way i just explained.Why put out the extra effort for strangers ?

Answer 8

I have to agree with greatnewsbearer's, I too read and continue to read this book "The Power of a Praying Wife" and it has immensely changed my marriage. Give it a try. Also, don't listen to people about waiting until all your kids are grown. Children, no matter how old, never really understand or accept it. In fact, they may resent that you made them live in it and then you bailed after they were grown. Even if you are not a reader, give this book a try, it has changed many a marriage, including the authors.

Answer 9

First of all, let me say that my answer is not going to be what you want to hear because I believe wholeheartedly in the vows of marriage, and with that I believe in marriage until death. That's it, bottom line. There must be some reason you married him, right? Some reason you stayed with him as long as you have and felt the need to have 5 children with him. You have to bring yourself back to that point, the point of beginning where you felt so in love that nothing mattered. I know it is there, and I know you can accomplish it. Schedule times away for just the two of you. Find events you both can go to. His drinking is not going to change until he feels different inside too, and this will start with you showing him the love he needs to see on a daily basis. I pray that something can improve in your situation. As many years as you have been together should not be thrown away lightly. If you can, find a pastor or counselor you can talk with. My prayers really are with you. I have been in your shoes. I was able to get back to my beginning feelings with my first husband and then he left and divorced me. Sometimes these things happen. I believe if you let God be in control, things will change for the better for everyone concerned. Prayers =)

Answer 10

I was in the same boat. It was so frustrating. My husband wasn't changing. The only thing that can change anyone is prayer. I recommend getting the book "Power of a Praying Wife." We will be married 26 yrs next week and just this past year my husband finally started to change. Don't give up hope God can change his habits and also his heart. Even though your children are almost all out it's not worth it to leave now. There will be grandchildren, weddings, etc. I think that you have just lost hope and gotten discouraged. I spent many years crying and unhappy. But now with the change God has given my husband a new heart and he really loves me like I want him to.

Answer 11

Sorry to hear about your relationship. Sticking around for the kids would not be the right answer in my opinion. It sounds as though he is refusing to admit he has a drinking problem. It my be time to put it on the line and tell him that he can make a choice. The booze or his family. I hope he chooses the latter.