Men, I need your advice, please?

Question

My husband recently confessed to a short lived affair that occured back in July. He cried, begged me to forgive him and stay, showed remorse, agreed to marriage counseling, has treated me like a princess since, and when we're not focused on the affair, its like our marriage has never been better. Not that there is a ever a good reason to cheat, but I can clearly see that I was part of the problem. (Constantly refusing him sex and treated him poorly). My question is, can a man make a mistake like this, and learn from the guilt and pain its caused and be truthful when he says he wont do it again and be sincere when he says he wants only me and to focus on making our marriage survive this and be better than ever? I do see it in it his actions every day that he is sorry and that he does love me, but I'm afraid to commit again. The betrayel and the destruction of trust is taking its toll. Is it possible to stray once and realize everything you could loose and vow not to do it again?

Answer 1

Typically, but not always, men have affairs for sex with little or no emotional attachment.

Women typically, but not always have affairs for the emotinal attachment and are more likely to want to end their marriages because they are intensely attached to the other man.

(BTW women file about 2/3rds of all divorces in America)

So, if he is truely remorseful, and is willing to be accountable for his time, AND you are willing to really listen to why he did what he did, then I think you have a chance.

As long as he owns the decision, and you both own the environment, you can resolve this and build a stronger marriage.

If he simply blames you, and says it's all your fault. (Very different from saying I was hurting from not having you as a willing partner in bed and I made a bad decision out of my hurt.) Anyway, if he blames you, he is not sorry. If he explains how your actions lead him to make a very bad decsion and says you are not responsible for his decision, then he really does have remorse for what he did.

Answer 2

My marriage has never had to endure an affair.

Where it can go from here is completely open. Depends on you, your husband, and how willing and honest you both are. There ARE people who's marriages are made better by an affair, oddly enough, because it forces open the communication lines and makes people realize what they stand to lose.
However, that trust is SO hard to rebuild. Whether or not you can do so is completely up to you. If you decide to stay, don't just "take it", you will need to honestly forgive him. If you cannot do that, you cannot stay happily married.
You need to take a good hard look at how much you can believe him that this only happened once and won't happen again. What about in the future if you aren't putting out anymore? What about 3 years, 10 years, 20 years from now? Kids? Everything. I have no idea how old you are of if you have kids. If you don't have any and are recently married, I would say you have a very low chance of fixing this.
DON'T stay just because you love him. If you do stay, do it because you really believe you will learn to trust again, and you think it is really worth it. Counselling will likely help.

Answer 3

Yes it can work the trust issue may be there for some time
but relizing that you may have been a part to blame well I'm sorry that is wrong a husband is suppose to be there through the good times and the bad. So think do you really want to make this if he turns around and says honey I cheated on you again but you have been treating me like crap and I need sex. Those are words of a chauvanistic pig and a cheater he is apologizing because he knows if you ask for a divorce you'll take him to the cleaners alimony etc.etc. etc. in the end this is decision not to be taken litely but think hard about his intentions. REMEMBER THE SAYING AS WELL ONCE A CHEATER ALWAYS A CHEATER
HE NEEDS SOME COUNSELLING AND MAYBE A WAKE-UP CALL BECAUSE WHAT HE HAS DONE TO YOU CANNOT BE BLAMED ON YOU for taking some time for yourself isa no reason
to stray be cautious and watch your back keep an eye on phone bills that means home and cellular and take care of yourself. God Bless and Good Luck!

Answer 4

Infidelity is always destructive, and often fatal, to a marriage. Discovering the betrayal and anticipating the potential loss of the person most important in your life causes great distress.
The victim of betrayal questions if the spouse ever loved them, and if so, what they might have done to lose it. It is as if the adulterous spouse has thrown dirt in the river of their marriage contaminating the water behind them and before them.
To recover from trauma, a victim has a natural tendency to go back to the traumatic experience, questioning, going over details repetitiously: “What did you do? Where? When? How often?” The traumatized spouse must go over the events until the emotional distress caused by them becomes manageable. They must reach a point where they feel there are no more surprises.
Often, the betraying spouse wants to get things over quickly, after admitting to their infidelity. They must develop empathy for what the betrayed spouse is experiencing, and be willing to live with the pain of guilt, until genuine healing can occur. In addition, the betraying spouse may learn something about them self in the questioning process. They may begin to see their own motives, vulnerabilities, and selfishness. If both spouses can tolerate and control the emotions involved, they may come to a joint understanding of how the infidelity occurred, signaling the beginning of a more substantial level of recovery. Recovery usually takes 1 to 3 years.
Judging from your letter you and your husband have chance to recover and recovery is possible.

Answer 5

Did he tell you that you were part of the problem for refusing him sex and treating him poorly? If he did he was only trying to rationalize his behavior and it is not your fault. If he confessed and there was little chance of you finding out about it then he may be sincere, however, he may have confessed only because he may have known that someone else was going to rat him out if he didn't. Personally I would not stay with a cheater, if I can resist temptation then so should my wife. Since I don't know you I would say to do the counseling and see where that leads, it may reveal some info that may better arm you for this decision.

Answer 6

Yes is possibble to stray and then not stray again if he truly loves you and has quit searching and you give the man the sex life you both desire.

I strayed yrs ago because my wife did not try to keep the romance alive. It was sad as I really loved her, so i jumped ship and found a woman that is very sexy and lives and breathes a romantic life she always keep my attention sexually and makes me feel as I am the most important person in her life. Well because of her commitment to me I'm proud of her and work real hard to make sure I treat her as well as she treats me

Why because I don't want to lose a good thing. You have to make yourself so valuable to the otherperson that the otherperson will take great steps not to lose you.

Try secretsinlace.com and live the glamour of being a sexy woman and not only will your husband never leave but he will treat you like the queen you deserve to be treated

Answer 7

In a marriage there are only two unforgivable sins.

1. If a man hits a woman, it will happen again. It is not forgivable!

2. If your partner cheats. It will always be there in your mind in the future. He can be late, he can have a drink with the guys, he can want some time to himself... all these are reasons to make you wonder. Is he doing it again. This is a hell of a way to live and cheating is a sin I could never live with. If you can, you're one in a million.

TX Guy

Answer 8

It's possible. It's not always true that once a cheater always a cheater. Life is more complex than that. I used to cheat on past girlfriends and never lost any sleep over it but I had a change of heart and would never consider doing it now. People change. It's the truth.

Answer 9

Yes, I believe a marriage can be rebuilt. Its a hard road, but in the end it is worth it.

The old saying: Do it once, shame on you. Do it twice, shame on me.

Keep with the counseling, focus on the goodness that is within each other. Good luck, and best wishes.

Answer 10

Stick with the counseling. I can't give you a definate answer of whether to stick with him or not but I think that the counseling is the best option right now.

Is it possible to stray and never do it again? Possibly. But its up to you both to see if it will happen.

Best of luck to you.