Is it Wrong?

Question

Advise please, Is it wrong for me to be so fed up with my husbands daughter from a previous marraige that I want a divorce? His daughter is 20 years old and has a daughter who is 2 years old, she lives with us because she says it is her comfort zone, the only 2 bill's that she pay's is childcare expense while she works and her car payment, we buy all groceries, pay all the utilities and do not charge her anything for living with us, Now she has decided that paying her car payment is just too difficult, She earns $400 plus per week at her job and collects child support at $73.00 per week. I have told my Husband that I am either leaving or opening my own checking account to insure none of the money I earn goes on anything for this BRAT..
I earn more then my husband does and he does not like the idea of seperate checking accounts nor does he want me to leave... Suggestions please???? Am I wrong for feeling this way?

Answer 1

No at all. his daughter is an adult who is living with you as a guest. It is right that she pays her own way. In no way should you pay for her upkeep or the upkeep or her daughter. I thuink the seperate check in accounts is very sensiable. You have obviously discussed this with your husband but perhaps you need to sit him down and explain it calmnly and reasonably highlighting what it is that bothers you and makes you feel uncomfortable. After this the two of you have to present a unitied face to the daughter in a meeting that clearly defines the boundaroes and responsibilities that she needs to agree to if she is to continue to live with you.

Answer 2

As someone in a similiar situation, think about it. You knew your husband had a daughter when you met. When you decided to marry him you decided to take on the daughter too, whether she was shiftless or not.

First talk to him. Sounds like the daughter needs a good kick in the pants and a taste of tough love parenting. Give her a couple months to save get herself together and then send her packing. But you two must come to this agreement first. If that idea doesn't work come up with something, maybe her paying rent there, but try working with your husband.

Now as you describe it, sounds like the daughter is daddy's lil girl so the first plan may not work. Next step, make life there hell. Your house, your rules. Change the locks on the door, don't give her a key. Your door locks at 8 oclock each night no matter what, things like that. This will motivate her to start looking.

If all else fails, do the seperate checking account. I am not a big believer in this because I feel like it seperates marriages. You two are one, not two seperate entities. But if it saves your marriage do it.

I feel for you. I have step kids and as the main bread winner sometimes I would feel like my check was going to support her kids. I just took over the finances and started limiting spending. I feel better and can account for every dollar spent.

Answer 3

You are not wrong for being upset, but I would not consider divorce over this. Explain to hubby how this situation is bothering you and you both need to come to an agreement. If he has already said no to the separate checking account, then do something else.......like "Charge" her rent! If she were living anywhere else she would be paying at least $500 to $600 in rent alone, then she would have to buy groceries too! I know family is family but she is an adult with a child. Comfort zone?? I don't think so. Time to learn what life is all about.(I was a single mom at age 17 and did not get child support) It was not easy, but I sure did grow up fast, and I sure did not have a car payment every month--back then I travelled on the "TTC", I think they are still up and running. There is your rent money (her contribution).

Answer 4

I would hate to be your husband and step daughter. So, you pay for some groceries. Child care is expensive and she couldn't make it on her own, $73 a week in child support isn't a whole lot. Are you jealous of her? I don't mean to be rude but you sound it really. You need to chill for a while. This is after all your husbands child and leaving him for something this simple is crazy. If it bothers you to this extent ask her to pay the water bill or cable bill. She should however pay for her own car payment and her personal items. Give her a break she is only 20 after all. Yes you are so wrong. Children are always supposed to be able to come back home to the parents. Just because they turn 18 and are legally adults, it doesn't make a parent NOT a parent. This is all over money and that is wrong. If she is still with you at 25 then time to talk. Make sure she is securing her future by going to school or something.

Answer 5

Not wrong at all and very easy to answer. Set an amount per month that she needs to come up with. Make sure your husband has your back on this. Treat it like a landlord because that is all you are to her. If she does not pay, give her a 30 day notice to pay, or quit. MAKE SURE YOUR HUSBAND HAS YOUR BACK ON THIS. If he does not support you and it bothers you that much, get the checking account. Talk to everyone and agree what your share of the monthly bills are. Pay that every month and live your life. If your husband doesn't like it, tough. He needs to step up and be a man about the situation. He needs to support his wife and things that she deems important. Otherwise you really don't have a marriage anyway. Let me know how it turns out.

Answer 6

Your not wrong what so ever!!!

Sit down, figure out all the bills ( utilities, rent, car insurance ( if she's on your's) groceries.

Then divide the full or closest amount by 31/2. Show her the list and explain the 1 1/2 is her responsibility from now on. TAKE IT OR LEAVE!!

I'd open my own account and pay my 1/3 share of the costs and see how hubby likes that!! Let him make up the damn different for his own brat!!

If he doesn't see this as a problem, hell, I'd get out!! Then see where the 2 sit after you do.

Stand tall, be brave and fight for your rights!!

Answer 7

I don't think it is wrong at all to want a separate checking account. That is your hard earned money, and it shouldn't go towards bratty children who don't contribute to the family funds, especially if she's not even paying rent or buying groceries. Tell your husband that some serious changes need to be made. The girl is 20 and has a kid, she needs to start being responsible, and stop living off daddy. You also need to tell the daughter how you feel, be upfront, tell her she needs to start contributing, or get her own place, and if she disrespects you, tell her she has a certain amount if time to get her act together or she has to leave. That is your house and you should be respected and you shouldn't feel uncomfortable in your own home.

Answer 8

NO Way. You are justified in your feelings. It is great you told your husband how you felt. I am 24 and married. I have always been very responsible. I think your hubby might feel guilty for not teaching her responsibility. If he keeps this up she will NEVER learn. I think if she cant "afford" bills she needs to start doing lots of chores around the house. Give her a list and deadline. Then give her a date where she will have to pay a certain amount for bills. She will never learn if you don't take action NOW. I would also suggest for you and your husband to go talk to a counselor and express your feelings to each other on neutral ground. It will help him listen to what you are saying and validate your concerns. I hope this helps. Good Luck.

Answer 9

Imagine if it was your daughter from a previous marriage. Would you still feel that way? I am 20 years old with a baby. Thankfully I do not live at home but when I did my step-mother always resented me. Instead of coming to me if she had a problem with me she would tell my dad, which really hurt their marriage.
If you want seperate checking then go for it.
Just know his daughter was in his life before you and he's probably going to help her out whenever she needs it. That's what a good Dad does.

Answer 10

Go ahead and get your own checking account. If she can't or won;t make her car payments, then maybe she doesn;t really need a car that badly. My only reservation about kicking her out would be the 2 year old child, who deserves a stable home, but this 20 year old needs to grow up.

If your husband believes you're serious about leaving him, maybe he'll put his foot down with his daughter.