Am I Doing The Right Thing?

Question

In the weeks since my ex died, I have tried to be nice to his mother. A few days ago she called me trash and said I was in part to blame for what happened to her son. I couldn't imagine a more hurtful thing to say. He died after shooting himself accidentally with his hunting rifle. She said I stressed him out and he wasn't paying attention to what he was doing. He was engaged to marry someone else but had told her he wasn't sure about going through with his plans because he still had feelings for me. We have a five year old son. I am grieving his loss the same as she is and also have to deal with my son crying every night over losing his dad. She's not speaking to me and doesn't have any contact with my son. I thought about calling her and trying to mend things for his sake but I feel it's best to leave her alone until she's more rational. Am I doing the right thing?

Answer 1

Yes you are I know there is not an excuse for being cruel and hurt full. But she has lost her son and the grief and pain of that is unbearable. She is not thinking rationally, she needs to blame something or in this case someone. Let this alone let her grieve I am sure she loves her grandchild and will come to her senses. In the meantime perhaps when all the do gooders come racing over to tell you every word that she has said perhaps you should tell them that you do not want to hear it! This keep you from being hurt and quite frankly helps these people realize that they are not helping anyone by running back and forth with he said she said nonsense.I am so sorry for rthe pain that you all are going thru. Perhaps the easiest way for you to have compassion for her is to remember how devastated you would be if you lost your little boy. Beleive me whether they are 3 days old or 50 a mother never recovers fully from losing her child.

Answer 2

First of all, don't blame yourself and don't feel guilty. It was an accident, and no one is to blame for accidents. I'm sorry that you have to go through with this. As for is mother, just try to put yourself in her shoes. I'm not saying it's not difficult to loose someone you love, but imagine loosing your son. Your own child. She is obviously devestated (especially if he was her only child) and is angry at the fact that she lost her son and doesn't know where to direct her anger, and you seem to be the best target to her, mother of her grandchild, the one that was with her son. Just give her some time, let her know that you're there and would like to keep your relationship with her whenever she is ready. I think the best thing to do now is to be there for your son. His grandma will come around eventually.

Answer 3

I know of a case similar to yours in northern Michigan. It couldn't be you, could it?
To answer your question: Your son's mother is grieving, and she is lashing out. You are not responsible at all for what happened to her son. I'd let her make the first move to do any repairing of your relationship. She doesn't want to hear a thing from you right now. Stop feeling guilty -- you are innocent. I am sorry that this awful thing happened to you and your little boy.

Answer 4

Give her time and space because it will take awhile for her to get over what just happened. Once you think the time is right, give her a call and see if you can mend the rift between you two. Tell her you are doing this for the sake of his son. Im sure she will understand.

Answer 5

Yes! Leave it alone for a while and give her time to heal. You need time also, and dealing with her drama won't help. Right now you need to focus on getting you and your son through the grieving process. The last thing you want is for her to say something nasty like that to your son!

Sorry about what your going through! Good luck to you!

Answer 6

I think you should wait a while to mend things with her, then let her know how much he meant to you as well as your son! That she's not the only one hurting, and that you would like to keep in touch with her because you want your son to know his father's family, and how important this is to you.. I'm sorry for your loss I hope you and your son get through this together!

Answer 7

This may sound mean but here is what I think you should do:

Consider your past relationship with the woman. If it was good and you want to keep it then give her a couple of months and try it again. If it was garbage, just walk away. That sort of influence will poison your son and it won't do you any good either. Make a clean break of it if necessary.

Answer 8

you sound far more mature than your ex's mom. but she is hurting right now and wants someone to place the blame on. i think you're definately doing the right thing by waiting to talk to her. she will most likely try to apologize after some time passes. that is an incredibly hurtful thing to say but you sound like you're not taking it too personally and you shouldn't. stay strong for your son and be prepared for some tears when she realizes how unfair she's being. best of luck to you!

Answer 9

Yes, I believe you are best in waiting for her to calm down. I congratulate you for trying to understand her and keep a relationship open for your Son. Best wishes with it and so sorry for your loss.

Answer 10

i would say you are doing the right thing, she is looking for someone to blame, and it seems to be you. maybe if you give her some time, she can move on and realize wht she is doing. then you can try to talk to her about it. very sorry for you and your sons loss. may god bless you!