What are the keys to a long happy marriage?

Question

Lots of post on here about the idea of being in or out of "LOVE" and sex issues. I have been married for 11 years. I think too much gets made of sex issues in marriages. It is important but is it a measuring stick of a good marriage. I also think that sometimes the "feeling in love with someone" get blown up so much no one could live up to it. At all times during our marriage I feel a bond with my wife. Maybe a combination of trust, caring, dependability, familiarity, friendship, sex but I do not always feel that intoxicating feeling of “LOVE” for her. At least for us marriage is not always easy thing but we have been able to make it work so far. So what do you think are the keys to a long marriage?

Answer 1

My friend,
It seems to me that in your search for those keys you should look in your hand. Seems to me you've got the keys.
All this emotional stuff is water under the bridge for the most part. I think the main things are:
1) Thinking more about your spouse's needs than about yours. Sacrificing your needs to meet your spouses needs.
These days people see sacrifice sort of like the sacrifices a hen is making by giving up her eggs (and her future babies). Real sacrifice is best illustrated by a pig. For the pig to give up his bacon, it means it has to give up its life.

2) Choosing to act lovingly towards your spouse regardless of your feelings at the moment.
3) Being commited (When one is thinking of ways out, that's not commitment).
4) Learning to build common ground. Some people say "well, we just drifted appart"... Well, by golly, why don't you quit being so selfish and figure out a few activities that you can do together and build some common memories?
People are such kids these days.
Oh well, I don't have much time to go on, but I'm sure some of the others will have some good input as well.

Answer 2

Thaty feeling of "love" that you find so intoxicating is not permanent. It is the initial attraction or "honeymoon" period. Real love, mature love, is putting the other before yourself, respect, kindness, caring, trust, familiarity, solace, etc. When you have those things, that is love. Marriages are an up and down thing. There are really great times and kind of boring times and downright bad times. The thing is to be there and stick with it. That's what marriage is - a partnership for life.

I always feel sad when i read about the trust and sex issues that seem to pop up most here. Sex is a wonderful and bonding thing, but it's not the only aspect of marriage. Sex will be very good with someone you love and who loves you truly. You can have all the sex toys and partners you can, but nothing compares to making love with someone you adore and who loves to too - all the aspects of you.

Think about it - if, for some reason, your partner could not participate in sex any longer, would you give up loving them? If your partner became horribly deformed or ill, would you no longer love them? That's one yardstick that I use personally to know if it is love. Will he be there for me? Would I be there for him?

Answer 3

Good question, but I do have some answers:

Marriage is: Respect, Admiration, Passion and Trust.... Of the first three, 2 of those three will keep it going. If you have all three, bingo, you have it all. And if the trust evaporates with betrayal, it all falls apart, either immediately, or over the course of the next few months or years.
, sometimes even with counseling, trust cannot be restored, even if both wish it, and spend two years trying to get it back.....

Certainly Resentment will destroy a marriage as will expecting too much, i.e., going in with expectations that are not met and can never be met. But I think those four above make marriages work. Certainly one need to communicate well without being threatening....stating one's needs, rather than accusing. And this is a skill one learns either with counseling or out of a book even -- One written long ago, and still the gold standard called "The Assertive Option" available still in paperback on Amazon.com.

If Sex were the key to marriage, none would fail.....about any penis will fit any vagina, so the idiot above is really anal (sorry, dude).

All of those three above have subsets -- It's lovely you be kind to each other. And a recent study of 30 years of 30,000 couples found that Resentment will build in the following manner: For every negative comment one says to one's partner, there must be at least 6 positive ones.... When that ratio begins to fall, the marriage begins to show resentment. Critical comments show insecurities, accusations, are unkind, and they grate....

Staying involved with each other is important too, as well as developing or having outside interests that each can bring to the relationship. We don't need to be joined at the hip, but we need to have time together, as well as time apart. These things build confidence, and contentment -- two essentials for a successful marriage.

Now, of course all of this takes work -- communication, and doing and saying kind word to each other.... And no one says it's easy......

Helpful???

Answer 4

It sounds like you have already found out what they are. But, If you really want other opinions.I have found in my 16+ year relationship with my Husband. Mutual respect and love go hand and hand because if you don't have respect for your mate it starts eating away at the love you have or had for them. Usually a person whom is not respectful isn't dependable.And that is a big thing in its self. Or at least for me it is. I find great comfort in the knowledge that when something goes wrong If I can't count on anyone else I can count on my Husband to be there and that is way better than sex. Its security.

Answer 5

A lot of people will say communication, or love, or respect, and although these things help, it is not what keeps relationships long lasting. Just ask anyone who's been in a long term, 30,40, 50 yrs and they'll agree with what i say. Its not how much you love someone, or how much chemistry you have. It boils down to a persons faults. If a persons faults is something their partner can live with, then chances of it going long term multiply exponentially. If you love someone more than you have ever loved anyone, doesn't matter if they have that one FAULT you can NOT live with. PERIOD!

Answer 6

just like the Beatles.. "all you need is love".. and well..a few other things =)

honesty is a big one... and intellectual attraction... it's not about sex or beauty.. one day you won't be able to have sex... physical attraction is part of what makes us fall, but not what keeps us there... if someone can't keep you interested in a conversation, marriage is not for you :) I know that when I'm 80 I'm not going to care about how sexy my significant other looked in his 20's... I'll be sitting right next to him in our rockers laughing about the old days and still very much in love.

Answer 7

Communication is number one.

Love
Sex
Respect
Trust
Honesty
Dedication

and

a willingness to be willing to work for it when it is needed. Sometimes you will feel like you are putting more in than you are getting out. It happens sometimes, as long as it's not ALL the time......

Answer 8

Communication.
Being honest.
Not cheating.
Backing up the other spouse.
Your spouse be your best friend.
Sounds like you have a stable marriage.

Answer 9

1

Answer 10

GOOD QUESTION! I have no answer. I see and feel the same as you do. I will see what others write. Hope some more experienced people answer....