Do I have the right to know what happened after my ex left me few years ago to go with another woman now that he wants us to make up and get together again? We do love each other so bac but there is still the ghost of this other relationship which he denies. But I know something happened because of all the information that I got at the time. I told him to be open and sincere because it seems I can not move on if all the truth does not come up. If only he admitted but I found her picture at home at the time and I still can not stand the pain. I know he only loves me, it was just an affair, but to me, when we are honest and sincere, makes it easier to keep on going. It is like a wound, we need to spread some medication to heal. I could not live my whole life always wondering what really happened. Thanks and no jokes please. This is a serious question.
2006-11-17 03:16:47 · 37 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
There is nothing wrong with wanting to know.
However, it's difficult because he may be ashamed, or afraid to hurt you.
So you must find a way to ease his fears about telling you.
He may not be able to tell you all at once. But if you can protect him from things such as emotional outbursts (yelling, pouting, cold shoulders) after he opens up, then you will have a much better chance.
You can't just tell him you have the right. You've got to make a convincing case that things will be BETTER for him as he can fully open up.
You have to convince him that you will NEVER use anything he says against him.
I suspect he fears that if he tells, you will either be hurt, or use it as ammunition against him.
Don't dismiss those fears as unfounded. Instead, address them with consistent behavior that demonstrates you do not do what he fears.
2006-11-17 03:23:46 · answer #1 · answered by camys_daddy 5 · 2⤊ 1⤋
I think sometime the past is best left in the past. All you are doing is bringing back old hurtful memories and opening the wound up again. Here's where you have to decide to forgive it and get on with your life or live in the past and never get started with what is now. If you can not let go of the past and the wrongs done then you will never be able to move forward.
Not everyone that cheats will cheat again. Some of us learn from that mistake and do not make it again.
You need to really decide if you want to be with him now or not and look as if it is a new relationship, that doesn't mean throw everything you learned away. You need to learn to trust again and THAT is the hardest thing to do. If you take it in small steps and explain to him that you do not trust him and that you are working on it, and he needs to understand that he is the one that caused the mistrust. He needs to be honest and open with you about now and the future.
Good Luck
2006-11-17 03:31:49 · answer #2 · answered by mudd_grip 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If he really wants to get back with you, then it is fair to ask him if he had other relationships during your separation. However, the intimate details of such are probably better left unsaid because it doesn't bring you anything good. I mean do you really want to know where, when, with who and how often they had sex? Is it important to know all the kinky details? All he needs to say is yes, he was with another woman, but that's over now. After all, you were separated, so doesn't it go without saying that one might explore their independence? Just let him know that it is ok that he did what he did, but you need him to just acknowledge the fact that he experimented with other women, while you were apart, for you to have any sense of belief in him, so you can move forward. If he insists that nothing ever happened, then he may always be willing to hide some truth from you. It is a difficult trust issue. Good luck!
2006-11-17 03:41:06 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I have to really question why you'd want to get back with him if he cheated on you already? He's already proven that he can't be trusted and now he's denying anything happened? Why put yourself through all of that stress again? If you can't come together again and have a good, trusting relationship I say don't bother. It's going to cause YOU all of the pain and agony while HE will always know what really happened (and he'll sleep at night just fine....). I really believe that you can find someone better than this, without all the past history.
Regarding your "right to know" I have to wonder, would you really be better off knowing what exactly happened? Would you be able to move past it and trust him again if he told you (for example) "you know all those times I told you I was out with the guys? I was really out with her" would that make you more secure in your relationship moving forward? I would say probably not, but that's just me. I think you owe it to yourself to find someone of quality who will treat you like you deserve to be treated.
2006-11-17 03:25:19 · answer #4 · answered by Peach 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I know it's hard to move on, but unless you are willing to move past this affair without dwelling on it and giving him the 3rd degree over it, then you two will never make it. Sometimes it's best NOT to know, which sounds horrid to say I'm sure, but trust me, you do not want to know the intimate details. It's bad enough just knowing he had an affair let alone have those pictures in your mind of them actually being together, because that's something you will NEVER get out of your mind and it makes the forgiveness harder on your part and you'll live with it longer than you can imagine.
2006-11-17 03:32:02 · answer #5 · answered by GirlinNB 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
My dear: I am in exactly the same situation, but in the man's position. From our male perspective, if you are "single" (divorced, separated or whatever) you may have sex with and date anybody you want. If he is coming back to you after all this time is becasue he was unable to make a happier live on his own or with someone else. Most probably that means that he loves you more that he tought and more that what he feels capable of loving someone else.
My advice is that if you really want to give your marriage a second chance, start anew. Forget about the past. Don't even think about what you both did to hurt each other in the past. Don´t even ask or try to know what he did while you were separated. IT DOES NOT REALLY MATTER. Don't listen to friends and family who are still hurt and angry for whatever pain your partner caused you. Remember it is much more difficult for them to forget and forgive simply becasue they were never in love with that man. I leave you with the words of a poet. God bless you!
"Count your garden by the flowers,
never by the leaves that fall.
Count your days in golden hours
don`t remember clouds at all"
2006-11-17 04:02:30 · answer #6 · answered by Hueving 1 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I agree, you have a right to know. Also how can you make a new start with that deception lying between you ? Its best to make a clean start, with everything out on the table. I don't think that you will ever be able to completely trust him again if he can't be honest with you now. So I say sit down and have a heart to heart, speak honestly about what led to him having this affair and how you can avoid a repeat of this behavior in the future. Then put it behind you, it'll be done and over with and together you can make a clean start on your future.
2006-11-17 03:31:45 · answer #7 · answered by LofanNui 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
YES! You have the right to know. If he won't come clean he's still being dishonest, and he's not sincere in his feelings for you!
This cheating was a serious issue in your relationship, and if he's sincere about his feelings about you and reuniting, then he needs to be sincere about what happened. If he won't, he's not worth your time! You'll NEVER be able to trust him....the relationship will kill you, or at least your spirit! HURRY and run away, he sounds like a BIG LYING JERK!
P.S. And he must think you're really stupid and gullible if he thinks he can feed you this line of bull and you'll swallow it. It shows a complete lack of respect for you. This can't be the man you want! Is this how you want your mate to think of you?
2006-11-17 03:28:21 · answer #8 · answered by carrieinmich 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
You have a right to what he is willing to share. You have no right to force him to share more than that. Forcing him to share more than he is ready to will just end your relationship. By focusing on it like you are is what is keeping the wound from healing. Its in the past and he chose you. Too many people get caught up in the past. You need to work for the future you want, NOT waste time now over the past.
2006-11-17 04:33:56 · answer #9 · answered by snack_daddy10 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You do have a right to know. But if it was an affair who says he won't do it again? He may only give you part of the truth if he ever does. He cheated on you, why should you allow someone like him back into your life to have your trust and love? It's not very wise to. Hurt once shame on him, hurt twice shame on you.
2006-11-17 03:21:42 · answer #10 · answered by All I have to do is dream... 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋