Should I end this emotional affair?

Question

Last year I contacted my hs sweetie through a website. I wanted to apologize to him for things I’d done, that got him into trouble with my parents who had forbid me to see him. We’d gone out for 6 months before he got sent away to live with his father… hours away. One day, our relationship ended with a telephone call, and a misunderstanding. I eventually moved away to a different state, and grieved for the guy for two years. What we have discovered is that there was never an official breakup between us, and that we loved each other very much back then. I I was never able to “feel close” to anyone after him. I have been in an unhappy marriage for 13 years. My husband knows I talk to my ex on the phone. You can imagine how he feels about that. There is no way I can leave, I’ll lose my children. I’ve explained all this to my ex and he still calls, and I still call him. When I don’t call him, I feel heartache. Do I have to let go and start the grieving all over again?

I've wanted to leave my husband on many occasions, long before the so-called affair started. I've been financially dependent on him though, and everything I have is in his name. Leaving him would entail moving back in with my parents who live 5 states away. I've checked into it. There is no way I can take my kids out of state in the event of a divorce. And I'm pretty sure if I just left and went to my parents, I'd be charged with kidnapping.

I did leave him once, 10 years ago, and he threatened not to pay child support if I didn't come back to him. Then, last year we were fighting and I threatened to leave again and he said if I did, I'd lose the kids, I'd lose "Everything." I've viewed my husband as controlling and manipulative over the years.

Answer 1

For you to contact the ex states you are lacking something in your marriage. You say you will "lose your children", but yet your children have to see you and your husband are not happy and eventually may even hear (as you are talking to the ex on the phone) what is going on, and possibly lose a ton of trust in you - I would think that would do some damage far beyond shared parenting. You wont lose your kids because of divorce. You need to ask yourself what am I seeking from my ex, can my husband provide it to me? If he cannot and you have honestly given him a chance you need to consider moving on. Definitely seek marriage counseling and cut the ties with the ex if you plan to work it out with your husband. You cannot sit on the fence, it is not fair to anyone involved.

Answer 2

First off, an emotional affair isn't right-especially if you're married and love the person you're with. To answer your questions, yes he should know about it. With marriage comes honesty. Be thruthful about it. Tell him what made you do such things, and nothing physical came out of it. He might get upset and crushed but at least you told the truth. There really isn't an easy way to end an affair without someone knowing or getting hurt. End the affair with the other person right away, and tell your husband the truth. Talk to your husband in regards of how you wish things to change, like how you want him to make you feel sexy or like a woman again. Perhaps take some time off just for the two fo you again to rekindle that loving flame.

Answer 3

If you want to feel whole and happy, then do what you know is right. You already said you can't leave your husband and your children. In essence you have answered your own question. By talking to 'him' on the phone you are causing the heartache to continue. It is much like leaving a splinter in your hand - you can put as many ointments on it, show it to everyone and get plenty of sympathy, but until you remove the splinter from your life, the wound will not heal. Perhaps - (I'm not there so I don't know) your unhappy marriage may be because you are constnantly thinking of 'him' instead of your husband. Try allowing the splinter to be removed by officially breaking up with him (and tell your husband you did because you made a committment to the marriage and are going to do your part to make it work). Do not talk to him. Get rid of all of the memory items you still have in your house, and create a mental closure. Then - turn all your attention to your husband. Write a list of all the things you like or love, or use to like or love about him. Do at least one nice thing for him (that HE thinks is nice - not just things you want to do) for him each day. Get a babysitter and go on at least one date a week. Become his secret admirer, leave little messages and presents for him. After the kids go to bed, have a special drink and put on a favorite song - and just talk! Surprisingly, you may still love your husband - you have justr forgotten. Once you create an enviornmenet to renew the relationship - and give your best effort for at least 6 months - then you'll really know. Watch - your kids will notice, reaping the rewards of a healthy set of parents who are committed to each other, love each other, and work to fullfill each others needs. Good luck!
Note: If there is ANY abuse, then none of the above applies, go directly to police, make a report, and remove the children from a harmfull place.

Answer 4

youwill have to let go but the good news is you don't have to grieve all over again.. you must understand and make a firm stand on this based on the understanding tht you are a married woman and you have some fine kids and a great husband. i say he is great because he tolerated your behaviour (contacting your ex). you should learn to appreciate him more. he could have given you a slap on the face for doing all this, which is in fact cheating on him. but the fact tht he did not shows that he loves you a lot. learn to appreciate tht.

once yoiu make a firm stand you will then have to confront your ex and tell him tht you have made a decision on this. ask him never to call you anymore. it might hurt in the beginning but this is the right thing to do. trust me, it's worth the heartache in the beginning. if he continues to call, you might have to change your house number or your cell phone number. the key is to avoid him.

you must do this for the sake of your family... think of your husband and your children. they all love and need you, not just the physical but also the spiritual you. they need your love.

go back to your family and enjoy your family. never ever confess tht you have had an unhappy marriage. happiness of a marriage is in your hand. start a happy marriage today. i wish you well..

Answer 5

After 13 years, you are not in love with him, you are in love with the idea of what you romantically remember the two of you had so long ago. Tell him to stop calling and you certainly need to stop calling him. I can promise you, that whatever you may think he is or is like in your mind, will be nothing like what he is in person now. You are holding onto a romantic memory of a teenage affair of the heart, let it go. You need to give all of your effort and love to your husband. All you are doing is being unfaithful (in your heart) to your husband and risking the destruction of your children's lives as they know it now. If this guy even cares about you a little and does not just want in your pants (which is probably the case), he will leave you and your family alone. He does not care about your children, your marriage, your husband or your happiness. He is playing with your emotions in an attempt to get into your pants and then he will be gone. If you love your children, love your husband and value your marriage, let this teenage dream die and pay attention to what really matters.

Answer 6

Why did you wait so long to apologize to him? Why did you marry your husband and have children if you were "unable" to have feelings for anyone but your ex? You need counseling, you do not have a relationship with him, you are married. If you want him so badly, you will suffer the consequences, lose your children. Why should you have them with you when you can "only love him" in your words. Work on your marriage, appreciate your husband, seems he is a kind, patient understanding person, putting up with your behavior. Cut off all contact with the "ex".

Answer 7

You got yourself in a mess by contacting an old love while you were married. You can't work on your marriage and try to make it better while you're wallowing in "what used to be and what might have been."
Tell your high school ex that you can't talk with him any more because you're married, have children and are going to work very hard and as long as it takes to make your marriage good. Tell your husband what you've decided and ask him to give you a chance. THEN LET GO and get so busy making your husband and children happy that you won't have time to think about anything else.

Answer 8

my dear, you got married, you have a family.. if all of these emotions were still within you, then why on earth did you get married and take the chance of hurting this man who is now your husband... sounds selfish... you shouldn't be accepting calls or making calls to your ex... marriage is a promise, and you are really flirting with the line... thats not fair... you made the choice to move away, to get married, and to have children... its not your families fault that you are unhappy, its yours... so do the grown up thing, end it, focus on your family... pray... and with the help of God, you will truly find what you are seeking after, true love and happiness with the man you married... God has a plan, you just need to trust Him.. you will get over this... happiness cannot come without hardship...

I am sorry for coming across harsh in the beginning, life happens, I understand that, it sometimes just happens in a way we don't understand... I will pray for you, and I truly mean that in a charitable way... I wish you all things good in the world!

Answer 9

So you get to live in a fantasy world on the phone with the ex for a while.
Are you losing track of what is important in the real word?
Would your kids accept this new guy in place of their father?
Are you willing to cause your family pain and yourself pain?
You don't need to grieve just let go.
People grow up and change and you have found a little time warp, how has he changed that you don't like? You really don't know who he is with a few phone calls.

Answer 10

I think that life is very short to live with someone you don't love. I'm a hopeless romantic and I beleive in following your heart. However with small children involved, you have to consider their needs. Is this man worth losing your children over? If you are a good mother, I don't think you can lose your children for not loving your husband. I don't know how old you are, but sometimes when you're younger, the reality of love is confusing enough to not realize whats best for you (and your children). Think long and hard and weigh the pros and cons. In the end, you'll know whats best to do.