What are good causes for divorce?

Question

My ex and I divorced about 3 years ago. He was controlling and abusive. However, he blames me for the divorce. He says that I should feel ashamed at where my life is and how much I have hurt him and my child.

We don't have similar values - his main focus is money and he always works to conserve money. He does not have trash service or home insurance. He buys things from the store, uses them and then returns them. He also used to change the price tags on items before buying them. I did not agree with any of his habits. He also is verbally abusive and did hit me many times during the marriage.

However, when I talk to his side of the family, they blame me and say that I took things out of the family. I talked to my parents and told them what was happening. They tried to pull me out of the marriage.

I don't know if these are good enough reasons to divorce or if I should just blame myself.

Answer 1

Please STOP and do not question yourself. This man abused you and his family is abusing you as well. He needs help because he practices stealing yes stealing. Purchasing products using them and returning them is stealing. Verbal abuse has not one place in a relationship; it is controlling and a short coming on his part. He hit you? Hit you! And you are questioning yourself? What type of love was this that he hit you and verbally abused you? Sounds as if he is a chip off the family block. Them blaming you instead of being concerned with their son who manipulates and abuses. Do not look back only look forward. Stop listening to him or his family it is only more manipulation. Focus toward the future and you will find a REAL MAN that LOVES you CHERISHS you is DEVOTED to you LOVES you and does not ABUSE YOU. This is a game of control this entire family is placing in your lap. Your parents thank goodness were right. Run honey run as fast and hard as you can and never look back

Answer 2

Part of his abuse is making you believe that you are to blame. STOP giving him the power to do that! You did what you had to do. He is angry that you were strong enough to do it, and that he lost control of you! He is trying to win back that control and you are letting him! STOP IT!!!!!

Divorce is not an easy thing to do! I respect you greatly for getting out of an abusive relationship. Many women stay because they are too scared or not strong enough to get out!!
You should be proud of yourself.

I would suggest having little or no contact with him. You have a child together, so you will have to see each other from time to time, but the only conversation that needs to happen should be about the child ONLY! If he starts to belittle you, or bring up the divorce, hang up on him! Don't give him the power!

As far as what his family thinks, WHO CARES!! They should stand by him, that is blood. Don't waste time trying to change their minds. It doesn't matter anyway.

Good luck to you!

Answer 3

You should not blame yourself for anything. That was a good reason for getting a divorce. There was verbal abuse and that can tear up a self esteem. Move on and God will bring the right man into your life. Remember joy comes in the morning smile

Answer 4

Your terms controlling and abusive are vague.

You are more specific when you start talking about money.

It seems you have different values.

A good cause for divorce is the unwillingness to set down with one another, perhaps with a professional counsellor, and try to find ways of living with each others differences.

Having differences is NOT a good reason to divorce. Continued unwillingness to address those differences is.

If you were married by the church, the Bible spells out a process, in Matthew 18 where if you have an issue with someone sinning, you take it to them first, and then you escalate within the church. This process ensures that the charges, such as abuse are valid, and he is given the opportunity to correct his behavior, pehraps by agreeing to be mentored, having accountability partners, attending counselling.

If you didn't try anything beyond talking to him, then in my mind, you really didn't yet have a good cause for divorce. Perhaps seperation. But you didn't "earn" your way out of the marriage by trying to preserve the vow you took with every available resource.

Differences alone are not enough, refusing to everything possible to resolve them is, but not just the differences.

Answer 5

Lack of love and respect. THe wife never was told the husband loved her and thinking he didnt care, she lost all respect for her husband. She became resentful jealous miserable and lost hope suspicious of him and even critical and contentuous. He decided she felt nothing for him, so he went into his cave and kept to himself. Eventually he decided that divorce would be the best thing. You see when those two ingredients are missing in a relationship the relationship goes into what is termed a crazy cycle. For it to improve a decided choice has to be made by one of the partners to change his or her attitude towards the other. THe problem is that the situation has often become so explosive that neither party wants to yield. Adam blames Eve; Eve blames the sname; and the poor snake does not have a leg to stand on. If one decides to make a difference the other within time begins to soften and eventually the crazy cycle stops. THe book Love and Respect by Dr Emerson Eggerichs expounds this theory in detail and I must tell you that his theory is spot on and really has pulled together many marriages, mine for one too. People give up too easily and for the wrong reasons. Often this is through complete ignorance. It leaves them bitter, unforgiving and unyielding and walking around with huge chips on their shoulders. My advise to anyone out there in this position is to buy this book and work through it even if you are divorced, because at least you will know what not to do the next time around and rather be accountable towards your spouse. Thank you for your question, it is a good one to have asked. I am giving you a star rating for it.

Answer 6

You are definately NOT to blame for the divorce. Him being abusive is a good reason to leave him. Don't blame yourself. Once you've realized that you are a good person and you don't deserve what he did to you then you will finally be able to move on with your life. You might check into counseling. It really helps to talk to a professional about it. Good luck!!

Answer 7

Are you talking about a divorce 3 years ago? You need to let it go. Who cares what anyone thinks or says to you. You made a decision now let yourself live. By now I would think your child is well adjusted, so don't beat yourself to death with the "should have, would have, could have". You made the choice to divorce for good reason, feel confident in that. The fact he has you still stressing over this so long after, shows he still has control over you, and he loves it. Don't give him that, you deserve to have a life.

Answer 8

There are no good causes for divorce as it leaves a vaccum that can never be fill most especially if it involves a child it is even harder. For next time whenever you're in a relationship and it's not working don't upt for marriage as abuse in marriages don't start with slap but with the first abusive word.

Answer 9

He sounds like a loser to me!! Of course abusers blame the innocent, that's what they do best! I have been through a similiar situation. Only before you start dating again be sure to get some counseling. If you don't get some self-esteem you will fall into the same trap again! Trust me, I did and lived to regret it!! (You feel even stupider the second time around!!) Remember ~ you deserve better and as far as your child goes, you are teaching her/him not to accept the abuse, bravo!!

Answer 10

NO, don't blame yourself! you are smart you got out of an abusive marriage, many women don't leave and end up living a horrible life that's if the husband doesn't kill them. his family doesn't want to see what kind of son they have, so it's easy to blame you. believe me you did the right thing!