Is it ok for children to show fear when you are upset with them for doing badly?

Question

I never liked my mom to much and said I would never be like her. I'm not like her at all, in fact I'm the opposite and a way better mother for it. However, the other day my 3 kids and I went with my husband for him to take a placement test for college. He was nervous and really wanted us to come. I told the kids this was a school and we had to be quiet. They were really good. However, when we went to the bathroom once we passed some classrooms and my oldest started shouting and trying to hear her echoes down the hall. I told her to quieten down and when we go to the bathroom she started hollering even louder. I grabbed her arm (not hard at all) just to get her attention and I looked closely in her eyes and said, "Kassidy there are people trying to take a test we have to be quiet" She shook her head ok, but I could see so much fear in her eyes. I don't want her to fear me, not like I feared my mother. I hated my mother for that. Course, my mother would have beat my tail in that bathroom

I hated it that my daughter looked at me like that with fear. Am I doing something wrong. Fear is not good right? Help please! I'm confused and worried. Thanks!

Answer 1

yes it's okay to discipline your children but always remeber that there is a difference between abuse and discipline and in your case it was discipline. And if your child shows fear thats a good thing because that means they understand that your the mom and you mean business. A child without discipline infact is no child at all. so don't feel bad your just being a mom and a good mom shows discipline!!!

Answer 2

No fear is not good, but it is something we all will experience at somepoint of our lives. You obviously didn't do anything wrong, but she did get scared-and nothing bad happened for it. Try talking about it with her, that way you will see how much it really affected her. Children will get upset, and they have to do so to cope in this world,they have to also experience fear-however unpleasant that may sound. You didn't cause that fear intentionally, and yes-that should be avoided in the future as well, but if she has the feeling of basic safety, she should be ok. Talking about this with her will tell her that you understand her and that if she feels that way it is ok-she can say it without anything bad happening. Don't beat yourself up about this- it sounds like you are very scared of fear. Well, we all are, but you should give your daughter a model as how to cope with it and what to do when feeling scared. This way she will not have the same scars as you-which, I have understood, is what you want for her. Hope this helps.

Answer 3

There are already plenty of answers here, so I will try not to be redundant. But your question is extremely important.

It occurs to me that your daughter may have been picking up, or even sharing, the fear that her dad was feeling in connection with the college and the stress of the test(s) and just the pressure of the college environment. Probably her fear had very little to do with your demand that she not shriek in that environment. Also, she may have been making noise just as a stress reliever - a way to compensate for the fear that she was already sharing with her father.

It was absolutely correct for you to insist that she stop making noise. You do not need to apologize to her for that and you do not need to give her 'candy' or any other such childish compensation to make her feel better. What you might need to do is work tirelessly and naturally on the problem of fear. Fear can definitely be unhealthy both physically and psychologically. It makes a person (including children) less efficient. However, at times fear is simply real and carrries with it its own instructions, warnings, etc. So you do not need to baby her. But it would be helpful for you to teach her gradually - when the occasions arise - about the origins of fear, by helping her to understand the issues themselves. These issues range from job-hunting, to examinations, to dangers in the society such as bad drivers, angry kids, unhealthy adults, crime, environmental problems, etc. Teaching the child the truth and how to respond to the truth of the circumstances - including adult stresses and anxieties - will make her stronger in the end and also will make her more co-operative in tackling problems as a family, or as part of any group effort. Fear can make people selfish, while the transformation of fear through positive action (finding solutions) can make them more generous because they feel stronger.

I really do not recommend babying her for what you did in the bathroom. If it is necessary to explain to her why you scolded her, do so but do not apologize for it. This weakens her. If she really feared you - which I doubt very much - then you can explain firmly - but with love - at the appropriate moment, why the yelling was not right under the circumstances.

I repeat, I think the yelling may have been a compensation for fear she was already picking up. Children do need to know that adults also have fears and anxieties. But they also need to know that the same adults are trying hard to find solutions to all challenges. This engenders courage and a positive attitude in the children and as already stated, it makes them more helpful and co-operative.

Love and fear are eternal companions. Do not worry about your effort to insist that she be quiet at the college.

Great question. Best to your whole family.

B. Lyons

Answer 4

Of course it is ok! She was scared of doing the wrong thing and realises that there is some behaviour that is just not acceptable and she should be "scared" of the consequences.

You're doing great that she listened to you and stopped when you told her too. You're strong with a good balance of discipline. I believe that it starts to get bad when parents behave irrationally. You're child can understand why you grabbed her and spoke in a severe tone. (She was probably shocked out of the good mood she was in.) She will never understand you being physically violent with her.

Answer 5

Sounds to me like your daughter was so involved with trying to get the echo and the sound of it (and it is really cool to do that.) coming back that she was not even thinking about any thing else. Think like your child. When you broke her concentration, and you did, that is what frightened her (and I'm not sure it was fright, maybe shock). I work with dementia patients and I have to be very careful when I touch them because they are in their own world. When you bring them back to reality, it is a shock to them. I'm not trying to compare your child to my patients but there are similarities.

I would like to hear that you took your daughter to a school after class was out and just enjoyed with her yelling and trying to get your echo to come back to you. There is a certain vibration in the ear from an echo.

Enjoy being a kid.

Answer 6

Firstly, dont compare yourself to your mom as mothers! the times and motherhood challenges you face are totally different.

Fear is a very natural instinct, its AWFUL to see yourself as the cause of it in your child. Maybe you should apologize to your child, coz what's done is done now. She was already intimidated by the impending test, she was in a new place and your your body language intimidated her even more.

But, just reading your words, one can see you're tyring to be a really good mother...even good parents slip up at times, so don't judge yourself so harshly.

Answer 7

To me it indicates that you have rarely if ever grabbed her arm or in any way physically before and being a new experience for Kassidy, it likely frightened her. Also, it happened in a strange setting for her, I doubt she would not have been frightened had it happened at home. She might have even grabbed your arm as well.

Answer 8

You child should NOT fear you!!!! There is a big diffrence between being afraid and having respect, no it is not right for them to look at you with fear in their eyes.

Answer 9

She was just upset she made you upset. You did okay, you had to let her know that was unacceptable. If she is unable to meet you in the eye, or is still scared of you, sit down with her and talk it over with her when she gets back from school today. Let her know you didn't mean to get angry, but she was testing your limitations.

Answer 10

Your getting worked up over a minor incident and you need to forgive yourself for it. So are you supposed to be perfect and never make a mistake? Come on! It is normal for children to have some fear of their parents and in my estimation a lot of our society's problems today stem from kids having no respect for authority. I think you did the right thing.

If you look to the Bible, there is discussion of "the fear of God." When one studies this issue you come to realize that the line between fear and respect is a fine one and the Biblical writers were really referring to a healthy respect for the authority of God. Parents need to insist that their children have a healthy respect for their authority and in my estimation this is exactly what you were doing. She wasn't listening to you, after all, and deserved to be called on that.

My thirteen year old son, who is now as tall as I am (I'm a father) once said he is still scared of me. We talk about things rationally and there is interaction and we deal with issues respectfully. But he knows that if he crosses a line with me I will invoke my authority and punish him. Is he scared of me? Yes, he says, but I think what he really means is that he respects me. And that is worth its weight in gold.

Quit beating yourself up here, okay? You are doing fine.