My sister recently moved back to the area where the rest of my family lives and it's really important to her to have Thanksgiving dinner for our whole family (15 of us plus my husband’s side of the family, if they would come). She is thrilled to be back in town, lives in a beautiful house and this will be the first time in years that our entire family can be together.
My mother-in-law also wants to have Thanksgiving at her house (my side of the family is not included). So dinner will be for her, my father-in-law and the three of us (my husband, myself and our son). They have another daughter and grand-daughter but they won't be there. I spoke to my mother-in-law the other day and asked her if since both families want to have their own meals if she would have hers early in the day and my sister can have hers later in the day so we could see both families. She says she doesn't want to do that she’s always cooked for a late in the day meal. (cont)
2006-11-17 00:48:04 · 7 answers · asked by i have no idea 6 in Society & Culture ➔ Holidays ➔ Thanksgiving
We invited her to my families dinner but she doesn't want to do that either. She was upset because she says she can not count on her family to show up. As it stands now, my husband will go to his parents and my son and I will go to my parents. It doesn’t seem fair that because of this my family will be broken up during a family holiday. I feel very torn because I don’t want to hurt my mother-in-laws feelings but I don’t want to miss seeing my family. By the way my sister and parents-in-law live 2 miles from each other. What would you do?
2006-11-17 00:49:25 · update #1
Your mother in law is forgetting the meaning of THANKSgiving.
DO NOT let your marriage be dragged into the mess. If you ate with your MIL last year then YOU and YOUR husband should honor your sisters wish to have the whole family together. Explain to dragon lady that this is the first time in years your family has been together and RE invite her to enjoy a day with NO work.
I lived it the WRONG way for 23 years I spent holidays at my in laws because we are neighbors and my mother in law DEMANDS it. My mom lived 3 hours away and my household was used to the big family get together next door. SO we ALWAYS went to the in laws...So MY mom had a 3 or 4 person Thanksgiving .
My mom died in June and I wish I had spent more Holidays with her.
If YOUR mother in law lives near by, and your husband sees her regularly~ Then let her whine about Thanksgiving. She should NOT be allowed to manipulate YOUR life with YOUR husband. Visit her for PIE at her home after dinner, but do NOT give in and eat there.
Sorry so long , but TRUST me... I lived it the wrong way for 23 years...
2006-11-17 01:06:34 · answer #1 · answered by dbzgalaxy 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you're taking the right approach, if only the parties were willing... have you asked your sister if maybe she can move the meal up an hour or two, so you can be there and have the late meal at your MIL? And may MIL can move hers later an hour or two?
That's what we've done in my family, and fortunately my MIL is kind and flexible and always asks me what a good time is for her dinner... this year I lucked out and my Mom is skipping town for Thanksgiving so just one dinner this year.
Christmas Eve is the same scenario. Early dinner at MIL, drive across town for dessert at my Mom's, then Christmas Day everyone comes to my house.
I guess all you can do is keep talking about it. Make sure everyone involved knows the particulars of your dilemma, and how hard you're trying to resolve it. Hopefully one or the other will take pity on you - and if they don't, at least it won't be your fault. But you really need cooperation from the families to resolve this. It's not something you can finagle on your own. The problem is caused by the families so you need their help (this is affectionately known as 'tribal warfare', and you need a peace treaty).
Good luck to you. I hope you manage to have a happy Thanksgiving.
2006-11-17 09:20:51 · answer #2 · answered by KC 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow, this sounds exactly like, my family, including the 2 mile distance between houses. It sounds like your mother in law is trying to make you and your husband feel guilty since her other daughter backed out on her this year. That's just not fair. You are an adult, and should be allowed to spend the holidays with your husband if you want. You shouldn't have to be split up. In my family, we've always altered holidays, spending Thanksgiving with one side, and the next big holiday with the other side. You can always spend the day after the holiday with the person you didn't visit. For example, you can tell your mother in law that you will do holiday shopping with her on the day after Thanksgiving.
It actually sounds like this is more of an issue of control here. You have given your mother in law the opportunity to see you, your husband and your son by inviting her to have the holiday with your family, but she turned that down. It sounds like she could really make the holidays a difficult time. My suggestion would be to sit down with your husband and come up with a plan for how to spend the holidays that will work for both of you, and then stick with it so you don't have to deal with this every year!
2006-11-17 09:24:06 · answer #3 · answered by Krista D 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your suggestion about having Thanksgiving at both places was great. I had that same problem. For years we went through that ordeal .....so to speak. My husband went simply because his mother would made him feel so quilty if he didn't . She was selfish and would not compromise in any way...she was so controling....it had to be her way. I finally asked my husband point blank. He said he didn't really want to go to his Mom's. I ask the rest of the family.....they agreed they didn't want to go either....So...we did what we wanted to do. We had thanksgiving where we wanted it and not where we had to.
We told mother-in- law she was welcome to come....she declined...we told her to put thing in frig and we would be happy to come eat with her on friday. Haven't had any problems since. That has been several years ago. . Go enjoy thanksgiving with your sister and the entire family..... where EVERYONE is invited and not just a select few. You'll probably digest things a lot easier ....hehehehe.... Oh....one last thing....we broke a 15 year tradition two years ago.....I gave my husband the option of Christmas with his Mom or going to New Orleans with me....can you guess which one he took without blinking an eye......
" Let The Good Times Roll ! "..... Enjoy your holidays.....enjoy your family.
2006-11-17 09:46:14 · answer #4 · answered by Blondie B 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like you need to have Thanksgiving at your own house and you need to tell your "families" why. You should be honest and tell them that there is no way that you and your husband should have to spend the holiday apart. Tell them that you need to be together on the holidays and you will continue to have your Thanksgiving holiday and all other holidays at your own house until they come to a mutual agreement that will benefit all. If you do it now for Thanksgiving maybe you won't have to do it all over again at Christmas, and Easter, and all the other holidays where families get the opportunity to come together for meals. Better to stay home and make your own Thanksgiving feast for your own family than to have any division in your family.
2006-11-17 09:06:34 · answer #5 · answered by Cathie S 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
In my family, one side gets us for dinner and the other gets us for dessert. The next year we switch!
This year I told them all to go to blazes, and I am heating 3 Hungry Man Dinners when we are ready!
2006-11-17 09:01:47 · answer #6 · answered by Witchzilla 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
One year have dinner at one house and dessert at the other and then switch and take turns each year.
2006-11-17 09:17:47 · answer #7 · answered by KathyS 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋