we had been going through a bad patch and i said i wanted more commitment from him...... which as we live together could only be marriage or kids......
i was very shocked when he said this to me as he was previously married (divorced now obviously!!) but has always told me he wasnt keen on doing it again. .... or having any more kids......i said to him that i would think about it overnight.... (this was really to see if he would change his mind because he had been so against it in the past). so i thought about it overnight and told him the following day that my answer was yes as i have always wanted to get married to him.(and he knew this)
so you can imagine my dismay when he then said that this wasnt the right time and that he would ask me again sometime!!
now its all i can think about -apart from feeling really stupid- im really disappointed.... and i really want to be engaged to him.
do you think he will ask me again soon?
what should i do?
HELP!!!
2006-11-16 20:56:04 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
i was just emailing him the other day at work (we do this alot in the day) and i was saying what i wanted for my birthday. i said if i couldnt get that particular thing then i may have a ring (not THAT sort of ring but i only wear one and im a bit bored of that one) and kinda fancy a change. he said to leave the ring as christmas crackers often have good ones.... im sure he thought that was funny but he just made me think about this situation even more....
2006-11-17 22:12:19 · update #1
marriage is compermise and negotiation so that be careful being engaging in it rather than breaking later.
2006-11-16 21:02:05 · answer #1 · answered by digendra 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you already live together and are pretty much living together as a married couple, I don't see his problem. Apart from having wedding bands and a marriage certificate what would change for him?
I know getting married is a big step, but if you are already living as man and wife, then I don't get it.
If he doesn't feel that this is the right time, then when will be? Sorry hun, think this one is a dead duck. After what you have said about him being so against it before, I don't think it will happen again. He has obviously thought about it when you didn't answer straight away and realised what he had done. There needs to be more of a compromise on his part, it is not fair, because he has done it before, for him to then stop you from getting married or having kids. That is unfair for him to do that to you.
If I were you, I would seriously think about yourself for a while. What is it you want? If this guy doesn't want to get married or have more kids, can you sacrifice what you have always wanted to stay with him, or is getting married and starting your own family more important to you? Don't think just about this minute either, think about in 10, 15 20, 30 years time.
You only have one life hun and its not a dress rehearsal. You deserve to be happy and experience everything life has to offer!
I hope that everything works out for you.
2006-11-17 05:02:29 · answer #2 · answered by Liggy Lee 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sweetie why did u say no to him when it's what u wanted.. maybe he is just trying to show u what it's like now by taking it back..it would be childish but so were u to say, i'll think about it" when it's what u really wanted, just to see if he would change his mind overnight.
this guy plucked up the courage, with u knowing that he really didn't want to, to ask u to marry him, and u throw a bucket of cold water over his head and say (I'll think about it, or sleep a night over it) u will have really hurt him..
i'll say it again, what i learned to do (through marriage councelling) was to always try and see things from the others perspective, put urself in his shoes and think how u would have felt... then u can imagine (just a little bit) how he is feeling.. if u had have asked him and he gave u the answer á la meatloaf " let me sleep on it. i'll give u an answer in the morning" it would have really hurt u.
just wait, if u're living together then what is the difference? the paper, the vow. he broke that vow for life already- i always said i'd never get married again, i feel different now but i can understand your partner 100% ask yourself why u want to marry him, what would change... your feelings for each other is what is important.
if u guys are going through a bad patch, than marriage and kids is not the answer to your problems, if u get through this time then u can think about celebrating with marriage, but only when u both want it.. if u love him, marriage won't change ur love... if it's the ceremony u want why not get ur relationship blessed and promise each other lifelong commitment in front of friends...if it's the financial security u want well then.. that's the wrong reason
talk to´each other.. he'll put u straight, we can only assume
but best of luck pet, and chin up! :)
2006-11-17 05:28:26 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You told him you'd think about it overnight because you knew deep down that his proposal was only done for your benefit. It doesn't mean he loves you any less,or is any less committed to you-it just means that after a bad marriage,he's going to be extremely careful about taking such a huge step again. But honestly-what does a marriage license provide. Will your love be stronger? Will it guarantee that your relationship will always be rock solid and last forever? No. It will be the same realtionship-but with a legal document.
Tell him how much you love him,that you want to spend your life with him,and should he ever truly be ready for marriage,you would be proud to be his wife. But for now,you're proud to be his and to love him. Pushing himinto something he's not comfortable with will only hurt the relationship. Be patient,be loving. Just enjoying what the two of you have here and now.
2006-11-17 05:31:55 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Maybe you should talk to him - ask him why he asked you in the first place if he hadn't been ready?
Also - tell him your disappointed he retracted his question and ask him if he would consider a long engagement. That way you get your comitment, he doesn't end up feeling a complete berk, and everyone lives happily ever after
but.....you do need to find out where you stand - if you want marriage and kids - you need to make sure he does too.
trust me - I know - I am gearing myself up for that conversation with my partner of 3 years this weekend.
2006-11-17 08:49:12 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
We can all see you hurt his ego :( you should of jumped straight in & said yes shame but we all learn from our mistakes & your only human like rest of us. I did the same thing & it took us 20 yrs together to get married LOL i wish you all the best. And one thing a dam paper does not make you love or hate or fight any different than some one with papers.
I just hope he hasn't changed his mind ?
You owe him big time for this one. Good luck let me know how you go. :)
2006-11-17 05:12:50 · answer #6 · answered by aussi3kar3n 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
As a man, I can say for all of us that we are a fickle indecisive lot. It took me a dozen times to pluck up the courage to finally pop the question to my lady and really mean it. If he is hesitating, I would not wait around for him to ask you, he obviously wants to, so push him. It is a leap year after all, and traditionally women can ask men on leap years - so what are you waiting for? Go get him!
2006-11-17 05:03:02 · answer #7 · answered by brendanconnal 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
what a cruel thing to do to you, i would think twice about marrying him now, what if you marry him then the day after he changes his mind and wants a divorce, make him wait, if he does ask you again tell him you need a few months to think it over, good luck
2006-11-17 05:59:45 · answer #8 · answered by bluebell 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i think he prob felt he was backed in a corner, you wanted commitment, he wanted a relationship, he gave you the commitment now he is getting cold feet. as he has done it before and it didn't work out maybe he fears that he will fail at this relationship/marriage too. give him time to explain himself. if he loves you he will have the time to explain and if you love him, you will wait. good luck
2006-11-17 05:44:15 · answer #9 · answered by angel 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
to be honest i think this guy is messing you about. he doesnt sound as if he is really looking for a commitment if he goes back on your engagement in a matter of days. sit down and get him to tell you exactly what he wants from you and what he wants for your future. if its not what your looking for then maybe hes not the right guy for you.
2006-11-17 08:18:22 · answer #10 · answered by Eden B 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Why would you want to be engaged / married to a guy who is just playing headgames with you? Do you enjoy being a puppet on a string for his amusement? You can do better.
2006-11-17 05:23:35 · answer #11 · answered by Liz 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋