Will you read my poem and tell me what you think?

Question

Assignment=Villanelle, relies on rhyme and repetion


Silent Soil From Silent Days


His song is being written by his ways;
for each, but once, may don life’s wings and fly.
One man controls the volume of his days.

A breast so warm, a collar blue, may raise
him to his feet—but soon will wave thereby,
his song is being written by his ways.

His peers and he conquer the world, a phase
where sight becomes so bright, it blinds the eye.
This man controls the volume of his days.

The vice of life so twists as youth betrays—
his well of youth, so opportune, near dry.
His song is being written by his ways.

With desperate fire, his gray will sets to blaze:
too weak, too late, too dry to catch the eye,
this man controlled the volume of his days.

And now, in silent soil from silent days,
cry fools that thought no scythe would make them lie.
Each song is being written by his ways,
One man controls the volume of his days.

lol, well people, it is a little ambiguous which is on purpose, but I'm not going to paraphrase the whole darn thing. Basically it's a carpe diem theme. You only live once, and you're going to be remembered by the things you did while you were here.

The pattern follows standard Villanelle form. Line 1 repeats as lines 6,12, and 18. Line 3 repeats as 9, 15, and 19. It is sets because it is in the present tense throughout-- "may raise", they "conquer", "the vice of life twists" and then "his gray will sets to blaze". The title doesn't have to be one of the repeated lines but it may work better if i do use one of them. "His song is being written by his ways" means your life story and the way you are remembered are determined by your actions. "This man controls the volume of his days".
Same thing basically, you control how loud your life shouts... or if you die quietlly, and end up in "Silent soil from silent days". ;-) Thanks again!

Answer 1

a poem about life --- from birth to death...

but when i read it it sounded much like a song...probably because of the repetitive lines that appear at the end of each verse... honestly I understand the verses except the lines about his ways/ his days... and I don't understand why those two lines need to be repeated so much and then it's not even the title.. sorry

oh I think "With desperate fire, his gray will sets to blaze" should be "With desperate fire, his gray will set to blaze"

continue writing...much luck!

Answer 2

Wonderful!Man yer a competition to William Wordsworth!

Answer 3

Great poem. But I don't understand it. You have some way to go till you become a Whittier [sic] but you are right on par with Shakespear.

Answer 4

Err... don't really understand the meaning of your poem... but sound more like shakespear then the normal ones we often listen to.

Answer 5

This is excellent - I find it hard to believe you really wrote it. Do you have more? Share!

Answer 6

the poem is real nice....