Leaving abusive husband, feeling guilty, how do i move on?

Question

I have finally made the decision to leave my verbally/emotionally ( has been physical in the past 3 times) abusive husband within the next 2 weeks. I am preparing for my exit with my 2 small children over to my mom's for awhile. We've been married for 12 years and although I feel it's the right thing to do as counseling doesn't seem to be working & he's still abusive. The problem is I keep thinking of the good times when he's being Mr. Nice Guy and downplaying the extreme abuse. I hate to htink of him with someone else and going on happily after I feel like I'm used goods left with 2 kids and all the responsibilty while he lives carefree except for paying child support. I don't know how to stop feeling guilty and dealing with the fact that my so called dream of a family is over. I thought that if I changed for the better he would change and that's just not happening. How do I move on when I still have love for him but I can't take his abuse anymore?

Answer 1

I am 2 years out of an abusive relationship. I have a daughter who is now 4 years old from him. When I left him, he decided to 'check out' and not be involved with my daughter, and I let him, because I hated him.

I hated him for a really long time, until I recieved a phone call July 4th weekend that he was driving drunk, wrapped himself around a tree and broke his neck. He is now paralyzed from the waist down and has no movement in his hands.... (at least I think. I haven't spoken to him since I left him) Thank god he didn't hurt an innocent person... Anyway -

Although I would have never wished for someone to get hurt like that, it was difficult for me to feel sorry for him.

My point is, don't continue to worry about 'what if'. Life has a way of taking care of itself. God DOES work in mysterious ways.

Answer 2

You've made the right decision. Be strong and follow through on it. It's good you have someplace safe to go so you can get your life back to normal. I'm in an abusive relationship as well. He's not going to change unless he wants to, so putting the kids first, and your health, is for the best.

Remembering the good times is the most natural thing. It helps you rest from the torturous thoughts and heal. Be glad you have some good things to console yourself with... but don't give in to guilty feelings and go back to letting him victimize you becuase of them.

He will see (even if he never admits it to you) that he has lost the best things in his life and maybe he'll wake up and try to be a good father to his kids, at least.

Good luck to you and your little angels. We're pulling for you.

Answer 3

I'm 5 months out of a relationship like that. We lived together but we weren't married and no kids were involved. Of course it'll be very hard. I have talked to my ex 4 times since then, and every time I still feel guilty. My advice is to avoid all contact. I was fine the first month or so because I was having a blast re-connecting with friends and such (he was also controling and I didn't go out at all). After the high of being free again wore off, I started to get very lonely, and had to pull myself out of a drinking binge a few times. As time has gone by, I've gotten better at dealing with it. As for seeing him with someone else, your best bet is to cut off any way of finding out. I told my friends that, even if they saw/heard something about him, i didn't want to hear it. I know that I am better off not knowing what he is doing now because all that matters is what I am doing.

Answer 4

There is no place in this planet for violence specially with someone you sup post to love there is all ways a solution with out violence and no body needs to be disrespected in any way I know how hard is to be away from the person you love, your mind wonders all the things he is doing with out you
but you need to motivate your self and think of better future for your children and your self u need to find activities that your mind is going to be focus on
after all the bad feelings you are going trough at this time your reward will be even greater stay strong soon or tattle some one will be there for you the right man who will treat you with respect and love.

Answer 5

If your husband was abusive to you, then he will be abusive to his future girlfriend/wife! There's nothing to be jealous about. It's ok to remember the good times you had together with your husband but that is over. This man is not willing to change for you and him being very abusive is toxic. Do you know being with toxic people will affect your health: phsycially, mentally, emotionally and spiritually?
Do you want to be happy? Do you want to be in a blissful relationship?
Then it's time to move on. Do you want your kids to be in abusive relationships when they grow up? Then set an example for your kids and leave your abusive husband.

Answer 6

I think that you have to force yourself to look forward in life and not back. Think of the life you can live now without the abuse to deal with.

Take life one day at a time and set daily/ weekly goals for things to accomplish or do. It may help you to feel less overwelmed to take life in bite size portions or one day at a time. It can be daunting to look ahead too many years.

Don't feel guilty. Its not your fault that he was abusive. Maybe you can get some counseling or talk to someone at your church.

Answer 7

Believe me, leaving is the only option. I've been there and done that (albeit without kids) and I felt no remorse, not even for a second. The relief once I did it was amazing, and though I was financially screwed and my grades suffered and my car got stolen there was nothing that dimmed the joy of freedom from a relationship like that. You have to understand that for him to have abused you at all, he has no regard for you and is unworthy of your guilt. Also, even if he never laid a hand on your children, it is very much to their detrament to watch their mother suffer at the hands of their father. Think of the peace you will have without him, and the bright future your children face if they learn from you now to be strong in the face of adversity. For my part, I got on top of my debts, went on to finish my degree with honours and have a man in my life who gives me nothing but respect. Sure it's hard, but accept that life has taught you something, have courage and things *will* get better.

Answer 8

Use this time to find out the role YOU played in all this.

It's normal to see things in Black and White at first but there WERE 2 people in that relationship and you DID pick him.

So go to a counselor and figure out WHY. Otherwise you might go through this again. Good luck and you're on the right track.

Answer 9

If u have decided to move on than go ahead. Do not look back. The feeling of guilty will wear off..but remember now you have to live for the 2 kids u have.

Answer 10

if you feel he is capable of changing, then tell him you are leaving the abuse and not him. If he can change and get treatment for his abusiveness, and once his counselor says he has completed therapy then you slowly go back. If he can't or won't change, you will see being out as so much better than being in. you will let go and move on. hopefully you learn and don't repeat the matter.