To people who are or where in abusive relationships....?

Question

I want your stories!!! I need more information, to help me better understand these women (& 1 man) in my family who are staying with there abusiers. They come to me & ask for help leaving. I have given money & shelter to these people. No abusier is coming onto my property.
But they always go back (URRRGG!!!!) It's like running back into a burning building!!! I just don't under stand.

Why do you (or did you) stay? Do you have children with you abuser, If you left what was your breaking point & how did you get out?

Answer 1

Oh this is my best friend all over! You are a great friend to be so helpful and I completely sympathize with your frustration.

I can't tell you from a victim's perspective, thank God, but I can tell you what I experienced, if this might be at all helpful to you.

In the situations that I'm familiar with, it seems that the victim's are people with either big hearts, low self esteem, or both. The big-hearted people want to be a caretaker, they believe that all people can be helped and no matter what common sense says, they do everything they can to turn a bad person into a good person. In the case of those with low self esteem, of course they believe whatever the abuser says and in the victim's mental state, it's surprisingly easy for that person to sincerely believe that he or she will never find anyone better than the abuser. It's so tragic because try as we might, we cannot make them leave, we aren't as convincing as the abuser because it seems that negative is always so much easier to fall for than positive. And when a person is told (or indirectly shown) awful things about him or herself every single day for so long, it's imbedded into their minds, and to hear something entirely contrary (ie: that they are good or beautiful or deserving of harmless love) once in awhile is tough for them to take, it's confusing and doesn't always make sense.

And on a terrible note, my best friend didn't get out until her boyfriend raped and killed her sister then died in prison. I hate (more than I can say!) that things sometimes have to end like that, but it's frightfully real and more common than most people realize.

My very best wishes to your friends and I hope so much that they sincerely appreciate having someone like you in their lives!

Answer 2

The abuser has control over the person they abuse and for some people they keep going back for a sense of obligation and love like it was their fault if they hadn't pushed they wouldn't have got hit. it is a very hard situation to be in and for myself i figured as long as i stayed my kids had their daddy all the time and that was my first concern and as long as the kids weren't getting hurt in the situation then that was all that mattered my breaking point was when the abuse happened in front of my children that is something i never wanted them to see.
to leave is a hard choice and sometimes a very dangerous one as well they stalk you and threaten you and make life very scary until they finally except the fact that you are not coming back.

Answer 3

I stayed 19 YEARS because i was stupid.
i grew up in a 2 parent home and wanted the same for my kids.
It wasn't about money for me- I always made more & and i am doing OK without him.

My breaking point was last December- when he called our 8 yr old son an asshole and our 4 yr old daughter a *****.

That was when i got a protective order (day after christmas) and he was removed from the house on Jan.4

Best thing i ever did -- should have done it years ago. NO MAN will ever abuse me or my kids again. NOT allowed.

Answer 4

Hi My name is April. The first time my Exboyfriend hit me and my dayghter I left him I moved to a different state. My mom always told me never let a man hit me and if he did leave and I did. But I have a 10 mo. old baby girl by him. but he doesn't know where I live. I lost so much because of him. he tried to pull me away from my family and friends he told me they would not understand. But I love my family and I could not just put them out of my life like he wanted me too. I did all I could for that man and till this day when I think about him it makes me a little mad but I'm so glad I have a God to look over me and my girls and I had the courge to get out before it got worse. He pull my daughter my her neck and there is know way I'm letting some guy pull my 2 year old like he did. I left and I went back to get my stuff when he was at work. I wish I could help other people who went through stuff and let them know I got out and if they wanted to they could. I didn't wanna go through to much detail. I hope you understand what I typed. I hope I answer the question.

Answer 5

i am not in an abusive relation ship but my husbands brother abused his wife and now his girlfriend who i have known since we were kids. I know i used to tell his wife to leave him and she was afraid to be alone they had been together for so long when it had first started and then she didn't want to break up there family, but she finally did. She met someone that showed her how it felt to be loved again without being hit. but now his girlfriend is going through the same thing and i honestly think she is only staying with him because she doesn't know any better because she was abused as a kid.

Answer 6

I think that women stay because its scary to leave - start a new life on their own. They may fear being alone or loneliness.

It also may be that the dream of a family being together is being broken.

Answer 7

hello,
well i was in an abusive relationship for 6 years and i did stand up for my self....i broke phones over his head told him that he had to sleep sometime and he stayed with my parents over night that night.....the reason why i stayed is because he never once touched my children....and i do have a daughter with him....but what it took for me to leave was when he told me that he would kill me if i was to try and leave with his daughter....so i waited for him to go to work one day and just packed a basket with 3 days of cloths in it for me and my children and left.....but it was my children that he had to threaten me with....i could never leave my children behind and some man will never tell me other wise.....and girls never need to see a man beat the crap out of a woman....thats imoral.....and now i prefer to be by myself and have a booty call every now and then.....and that away i don't have to train my self to except some one all over again....

Answer 8

My mother was one of those. I saw more of her blood splattered than I care to remember. Black eyes, broken bones. HE finally left when I was 10. It was the happiest day of my life. But she died, waiting for his return. I've NEVER been able to understand such ignorance.

Answer 9

my opinion from past experience with these people...........low self esteem, fear of reprisal, low goals, and codependency.