Are people who stay in abusive relationships really victims or are they actually volunteers?

Question

I really had to ask this question because, I think that you can only be a victim of abuse once and anything after that you have volunteered for. I strongly feel that after being slapped, hit , kicked or whatever for first time why would you choose to say & not leave? With all the help (shelters,state aid,housing,etc...)there is avaliable to women (& men) in these types of relationships there really isn't any excuse for staying. Or maybe I'm just confused!!

And before anyone thinks or says "easy for me to think & feel this way because I don't know what it's like" ~ Yeah I do, I was with an abusive man for 6 years & YES I know that I was NOT a victim but a volunteer, I made the choice to stay with him everyday, I just looked at the relationship I was in like it was a job where I really hated my boss but I needed a pay check, so I stayed. I haven't ever boo-hoo-ed or wallowed in self pitty as a "survivor of abuse" because I think that is a bunch of crap.

What's your opinion???

Scared to leave ~ LOL

leaving couldn't be any scarier than staying. At least we you leave the will be some sort of end to the continuous abuse. & Yes the only true victims are the poor innocent children who hover in corner while the adult throw a blood bash

Answer 1

Thank you! You are absolutely right, victim once, volunteer after. Some people like to be martyrs, some think they can change the person if they love them enough. The person who is doing the abuse is sick but the person that allows it is sick in their own way too. Our educational system completely overlooks the education of our young girls in the area of relationships, and obviously mothers are not doing the job either.

Answer 2

I think that it's both and that everyone has a different experience that leads into a relationship like this. One thing is for sure though, no one could possibly plan to love a person and then have that same person turn around and hurt you like that. Whether they had tendencies or not, you would have to be blindsided by such an experience.

Another thing that is for sure, is that after the 1st "incident", if you stay, it sends a definite WRONG message to the offender, that he can do it again and again and again. But, even when that, it doesn't make the "victim" a volunteer, as much as it does naive or to trusting. LOVE, DESPERATION, CHILDREN, MONEY, etc will make you decide to do some strangeeeeeee things in a relationship and so will fear...

Ultimately, its a sad state of affairs. And I'm just glad that I will never know the feeling. My mom endured an abusive relationship for 7 years; she divorced my Dad when I was 2. And I can recall her saying when I became grown in a convo about it, "Your Dad loved me and I knew he had a temper when we met in high school, but I NEVER thought he would put his hands on me like he did"...

Answer 3

Many women were raised in an abusive home enviroment. They were taught that in order to keep peace in the family, and to protect the kids, they needed to listen to the husband. And just take the physical abuse. So unfortunately, some women don't know any better. They think that this is love. Most of the time because their mother, or grandmother stayed, they think that they should too. It is just a never ending cycle. These women also look for these kinds of men. It is like they are programed that way. Really it is a lack of self-esteem. They really need to get help and confidence. But these awful men usually threaten their lives and scare them so badly, that it is hard to do. I was an abused child, and I told my self that I would never hurt my kids the same way, or have a abusive husband. I made sure I really knew the man, before I married him. My husband is not abusive. I thank God for him. It is because my husband is a christian man, and he knows how to use self-control. It had to be me that made sure I protected my kids even before I had any. I built up my self-esteem, and it took alot of effort, but I did it with God's help. I forgave my step father, who abused me and my family. That helped me to grow up. And he has changed even though he and my mother divorced years ago. I still love him. He did have some good points. I guess that is another reason people stay with an abuser, it is because they see they have a few good points. But then reality kicks in. I really hope women out there like you and I, will not allow them selves to be hurt this way. And leave, not only for them selves, but for the kids if any. Your son or daughter will learn this act from the abuser. Most boys become an abuser like the father. Or the girls will think that this is love being expressed. This is very saddening, because love is a beautiful thing, and we all should experience how it should really be. I teach my son, how to be a gentlemen. And I am responsible to make sure he knows not to ever hit a girl, no matter what. Parents must teach this to there kids. I hope that you are doing okay now. I hope you are healing. Maybe you can help other women, cope and get strength to get out. These Men out there have to answer to God for there actions, even if no man can stop them. He will!

Answer 4

It's really a question of mental strength. People in abusive relationships either have not developed the mental strength to get out, or they haven't been shown that it's possible.

Some people honestly don't realize that there is an alternative to abuse. If that's all they've ever seen or known of relationships, they probably think it's normal. And even though those who try to help know that abuse is cruel, the "victim" of abuse may see other people who are trying to help as people who are trying to push their opinions and lifestyles onto others.

In other words, they might honestly believe this is how life is supposed to be if that's how life has always been, and how can anyone else tell them differently?

Hope that made sense. It did in my head.

Answer 5

I've been in an abusive relationship and it only took me 3 months to realized that I was worth much more than that kind of relationship. But I don't think it's fair for me to judge anyone who is in a relationship like that without knowing the people involved. I watched a friend get beat for two years and I was so angry about it that I started telling her she's not a victim and she deserves it. I didn't realized it until it was too late that she was suffering from PTSD, Severe Depression and a Lack of Self-Esteem, which was her reasoning for staying with him. He convinced her that she would never find a man that would take care of her, and she was so naive and stuck on the fact that he bought her everything her heart desired and bought her a brand new car and all kinds of things that she convinced herself were making up for all the beatings she went through. She watch him practically kill a man about 6 months into there relationship and it scared her so bad that she developed a severe case of PTSD. Which also caused the guy to beat her too, out of fear that she may tell someone. Finally, he killed her two months ago and the last thing I said to her was, "Stop calling me with this B.S if you're not going to help yourself, I don't want to hear your F***ing whininig, you're not a victim you're an Idiot and I'm not going to be there when he finally finishes his job. Grow up, he doesn't love you!" There is quite a bit more that I said to her but I'm too hurt to tell the rest but anyway none of these things I found out about what she saw until after her death and her mom called me to go with her to pick up my friends belongings. So with that story told, I ask that you or anyone else judge others and talk about whose a victim and whose a volunteer because no matter what kind of situation you've been in, that will never make anyone so free to talk about or judge others and their situations. I don't believe any of us are so smart that it makes us experts on other peoples lives. I don't know if they are victims or volunteers unless I'm a fly on the wall and have witnessed the everyday life of the couple! So although you or anyone have been in the same KIND of situation doesn't make yours the same as everyone elses' out there.

Answer 6

I think you have made a dam good sociological point. We have become a victim-oriented society. Lawyers make their livings off victims; the more victims they can find, the more money they can make! So yes, I think that much of what you say is true, and you have been there, done that.

However, you really can't speak for everyone.
In your case you looked on the relationship as a job, and you hated your boss. Some women however look upon there relationships as imprisonment, and they are in Abu Grahib!
They see no way out. They voluntarily became victims.

What is so terribly troubling, though, is that women see this coming; they know their man is abusive before they ever become involved with him, and get in anyway! Most of the time they do it while nice guys are grovelling at the trough trying to get their attention.

But you aren't interested in nice guys; you want the "bad" boys. They're more exciting, and for that you are willing to take some knocking around, getting knocked up, and sent to the hospital a few times.
Sounds voluntary to me!

Answer 7

Sorry but I think your wrong. Abusers are like con artist they know how to play on your weakness', they manipulate you, brain wash you and convince you that it's your fault "you got what you ask for". Maybe there are women like you that stay because you choose to, maybe there are even some that like it, but when a man threatens to kill your kids if you leave or tell anyone that's not volunteering to stay. When they tie you up, that's not volunteering to stay, so don't judge every abused person by what you did or didn't do because nobody knows all the facts about everyone else's relationship.

Answer 8

Let's quit blaming the victim.

I don't feel sorry for myself. I was married for five years to a mean (fill in the blank) who put me in the hospital several times.

Eventually I got smart, got strong, took our infant son and got the h*** out of there, over twenty years ago. I never looked back and I never once asked for any kind of support, emotional or financial, from anyone -- even though I probably should have! But I made it, and no regrets except that I didn't leave his sorry self the first time it happened.

I thought I could make a human being out of a junkyard dog. I was wrong, and I paid dearly for my pride. But the point is, I got myself out of there.

Not everyone's so lucky. Not everyone is smart enough or strong enough to do what you and I did. Let's not look down on anyone unless it's to help them up, okay?

Answer 9

u were codependant and wanted to fix what was wrong at any cost, maybe u blamed yourself, thought in some way u deserved it, we often stay because change is hard, and we always hope tomorrow will be better and the madness and abuse will stop. we fear the unknown also, we don't know what's in our future. we stay because we don't want to leave our home, or our children or our animals, so we minimise what they are doing to us, we make less of it than it actually is. we do love them, and need at any cost to make what's wrong right, we fail to see the danger. everyone is different, just because u have never cried, crying doesn't make us weak, it shows we have emotions, and we are hurt by life. i would never be embarrased if i cried when someone hurt me. we stay and sometimes for years, because we love him, and he always lures us back in, with false hope and promises. all of us aren't that strong, and we most of us would do anything to avoid divorce and avoid leaving our homes and our lives. we stay because it isn't always bad, there are times when our abuser is kind and loving, so we get mixed messages,we get hope and faith again. they claim that a woman will go back to her abuser 7 times before actually leaving. also depends on a person's self worth if they stay in a relationship like this or leave. a person with a higher self esteem would definitly leave an abusive marriage faster than the girl who has been beat down as far as she can be, who has no self worth, she is the one who believes she deserves what she gets, she believes she is responsible for what has befallen her.

Answer 10

I think you must be a very strong woman that woke up and said i have had enough good for you i agree i think any woman that stays after the first slap kick or punch needs to get out of that marriage do not ever stay a be a victim or a volunteer