Am I overreacting?

Question

Every November my husband and I would host a dinner for about 80 people. He began doing this with a smaller crowd before we were married.
The last 20 years I have hosted and prepared everything myself. I just love it and I had such a great time. It was my way of expressing my gratitude and love towards our friends and colleagues.
My husband and I have recently seperated and he is going ahead with the party, hiring a caterer, etc. I feel very hurt as it feels like I am so replaceable. (I want a reconciliation in our marriage and this just doesn't feel right.) Many of our friends don't know we are living apart and they will receive his version of the story which is a little altered from the reality of the situation.
The thing that makes me question my reaction is that I have been very depressed and seemingly I am not ready to move on yet and it seems he is. It almost feels like a betrayal in some sense.
I don't know if I have the right to feel hurt or not.
What do you think?

Answer 1

I think you have every right in the world to hurt by this. If they were mutual friends it makes it that much more difficult. However, it looks like your correct when you say he is over the grieving part of the breakup and he has began to move on. But you don't seem to be accepting the end of the relationship as well as he. The end of a marriage or relationship is a lot like a death and people need proper amount of to time grieve for it. Sadness, betrayal, anger, resentment, denial and acceptance will all come in due course if you allow then to take place naturally and don't continue to dwell in denial by believing that you will reunite. If necessary you may need to see a counselor or your family doctor to discuss how the end of your relationship continues to affect your mood and to also inform that you have been feeling depressed lately. Best of luck to you in starting a new life as a single. I know as well as anyone how difficult this transition can be but realizing that your not the first nor will you be the last person this has happened to may help the situation also.

Answer 2

Hi Cat--It's not a matter if you have "the right" to feel hurt or not, you DO. I believe I honestly understand why you would, even though I've never been in your situation. You invested a lot of years giving & caring. Just "imagining" it--I can only say it has all the elements of "shock" to your emotions. I'm so sorry. Quite subjectively, it seems like a "slap in the face." DOESN'T IT? Of course that hurts! Yet all the other things you say--well--part of the feeling is obviously that you want to "reconcile," (be where/who you were), & if he "seems" ready to move on, he probably is. Do try to consider his thinking when he made the decision for the caterer. He could hardly have asked YOU to do it, (although I suspect with your continuing feelings about him, & your loving nature, you WOULD)! Perhaps this "message" confirms your saying "..and it seems that he is." I don't understand why many of your friends aren't aware of your situation, & also how this would contribute to your feeling of impotency that a CATERER is taking over the dinner. How could they understand this major change after twenty years? It's a very awkward position for you to be in. I would make every effort to handle this with grace, &--oh well--indifference? Even if that isn't the way you "feel." A "role" isn't easy to relinquish; but when the time comes, we're all replaceable. I assume you gave much more to you marriage than hosting dinners. There are so many aspects involved in this issue on which you've focused so well. & yet so much between the lines. Yes, sweetie, you have the "right" to feel hurt, but I hope in time you'll get past it. & I believe you will. We ALWAYS DO. "Moving on" seems so simplistic, but are there any other choices? Better sooner than later. You can feel HORRID if you choose, or fell PROUD when it's over, that you handled it in the best possible way. Leave your heart at home. This dinner is no place for it. My very, very best...

*** I answered before I read the others. I liked Robin_TNs very much--but I had assumed you'd been invited, so there'd not be any "talking about you." Point of fact, all ex-spouses don't necessarily do this. My answer would have been quite a bit different if I'd thought you'd not been invited. That would be a totally different message. Also, I didn't mean to "move on" with dating; I meant with your LIFE.

Answer 3

Your marriage is very important. If you want a reconciliation you should be honest with him & let him know this. There is nothing unforgivable in a marriage. A marriage is a partnership where no one should be looking out for their own self interest but you should each be looking out for each other. You sound like a very giving person to have hosted this party for the past 20 years (which I might add is a long time, even to be married today - God bless you!) & with the motivation to express gratitude & love towards others - how wonderful is that?! If you could do all of that for your friends - how much more simple should it be to express a little bit of that love for your mate by extending forgiveness for your hurts? You are not that easily replaceable - you are his life partner, bound together for life by marriage, whether you both like it or not. Your souls are intertwined for eternity. You have shared too much to just go your separate ways & move on with your lives. Maybe working together on this traditional party that you have might be an opportunity for reconciliation. You obviously have been married for a very long time & should not throw all of those years away. Difference are reconcilable - don't give up. I pray that you will both give your marriage a chance.

Answer 4

Are you attending this party? If not, then it seems like he would need to get some help on setting up the party. Even if you are attending this party, maybe he didnt want to ask you to help like you used to. If he realizes that you arent ready to move on, perhaps he is afraid that asking you might lead you to believe that there still may be something there. If you are worried about what he is going to tell your friends, maybe you should announce that the two of you are seperated- it may help you to realize that this is over, and allow you to progress to the next phase. It seems you two have been married a very long time, and of course it is going to take some adjusting. You are going to feel hurt, scared, betrayed, especially if this wasnt a mutual split. The only thing you can really do is maybe seek some counceling to help you get through this.

Answer 5

His version of what happened to "other people" don't matter. It's the truth of what you feel transpired btw you two. "Other people" can't live your life. If you feel betrayed and want to get your message across DON'T GO TOTHE PARTY. He made arrangements for you, so you do the same. If he said he wants to move on, then respect that and move on. It's hard right now because the wound is fresh. Time heals all pain. Start the process. Make up in your mind what you want and do just that. The mst important thing to you is your happiness. Nobody can give you that other than you....Good luck

Answer 6

You have the right to feel exactly what you feel. However, do not think in terms of being “replaceable,” because that is not what it is all about. Think of it as both of you are in a state of adjustment, and will learn from it and become better for it. Every person progresses at different rates and becomes aware of conditions and is able to admit them at different times. Your reaction is because you are not ready for change. Human thought is very slow to accept change, even if it is for something better. All couples are on different pages when it comes to and after separation, and there are two viewpoints of why things happened or didn’t happen, and there is nothing you can do to get him to see things your way at this point. I think a slightly different viewpoint will lesson the hurt you feel. Better days are coming.

Answer 7

Just think that they're not going to enjoy the food as much this time. You may feel bad, but it really is time to move on. You have separate lives now, and whatever he does or say shouldn't affect you that much because he does not affect your decisions in life. Why not host your own dinner party as well? Invite a few friends/neighbors over. Throw parties, go out and enjoy your life--it is too short to be sad about.

Answer 8

OF COURSE you have the right to feel hurt. This is a very hurtful and difficult place to find yourself in. There is no easy answer on what you should do moving forward, but I think that you should do yourself a favor and possibly speak with your closest friends and let them know the situation prior to the party... Good luck, and keep your head up, things will get better.

Answer 9

read

Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends by B. Fisher

You might as well tell all the guests by email that you are separated and will not be there, although you would like a reconciliation. Then, plan a great day for yourself, even if alone. All things must pass.

Also read

Necessary Losses

by J. Viorst



Been there, done it, bought the tee shirt and burned it.

Answer 10

Cat,
You have every right to feel the way you do. Separation is difficult especially if you've invested that amount of time in the marriage. However, as impossible as it may seem to move on, you really need to focus your energies on becoming a happier, healthier, and more balanced person. Learn from this time apart and try to better yourself in the process.