How do I forgive my dad?

Question

I recently found out my dad has been cheating on my mom for the last 3 years. My mom doesnt know, I found out sort of by accident. I used to be a daddy's girl. I used to think he was the greatest person in the entire world. Now I feel so alone and lost. I really want to get over it and go back to normal. I want to be happy and secure again. How do you start to forgive someone. I feel odd leaving a questions like this on here but I have no one to turn to since Im the only one who knows.

Yes, hes still with her. He'll call my mom and tell her he is working late and everyone else in the family believes it, and inside Im screaming at my mom for being so niave.
My poor mom thinks she has a great husband who is working so hard for his family.
The other day I was rude to my father and my mom was angry with me and said "your father is working long hours so that you can have everything you want" I wanted to just scream it out but I cant because I know how devestating it would be for my mom. My dad is her life, every other thing my mother talks about is my dad and how great he is.

How do I aproach my dad about this thought, its not like its an everyday conversation. Part of me doesnt want to approach him because then it will be even more akward than it already is.
How did life get so complaicted!?!

Answer 1

I know this is going to sound screwy to you but we all fall short. We all disappoint. We all are unworthy of the ones who love us most. I am 27 and married for 10 years. Your dad made a commitment to your mother. Not you. How do you know that she doesn't know? Maybe she does but doesn't want to look at it. Why don't you write her a note? Since you now know about this, it will eat you alive until you get it out in the open. A letter is the best way to deal with it. And at the end of the letter write this. Mom, I wanted you to know these things but i'm leaving it up to you to make it spoken. If you want it will never be brought up again. If you want to talk about it i'm behind you. Love her and support her with what she wants.

Answer 2

I'm so sorry you're going through this - it sucks. You don't say how old you are - if you're young and still living at home and going to school, then it's really important that you find someone (an adult you trust - counselor, etc.) to talk to. You're smart not to tell anyone in your family or circle of friends - a secret isn't a secret if more than one person knows it. It'd be bad news if it got back to your mom through gossip. If you're older and on your own, you seriously should talk about these feelings w/ a counselor or pastor or someone. It's a huge load for you to be carrying all by yourself.
That being said, here are some things you might consider:
* Is it possible that you're wrong, or have misinterpreted the situation? If you don't know for sure, then you could be wrong.
* If you are sure Dad's cheating, consider having a heart-to-heart with him, tell him you know and it's tearing you apart. He may be willing to put his hormones on hold and take a look at his marriage, or at least get real with your mom, and they can move toward the next step - whether it's counseling or separating. As awful as that may seem to you, if it's invevitable, it's best to get on with it so you and your mom can get about the business of mending your lives.
* Your dad isn't doing this to be a bad person. This certainly doesn't excuse his behavior, but he isn't trying to hurt anyone - he's just messed up and has made a bad choice. He's human, just like you and me. Sometimes it's hard to take our parent(s) off of the pedestal we've put them on and admit that they have weaknesses and aren't perfect.
* Your dad loves you the same today as he did before you learned of his unfaithfulness - you're still his "daddy's girl".
* You're a good writer - write your dad a letter, one that you don't intend to send. In it spew all your anger and betrayal and disappointment in him - get brutal. Start out with something like, "How f***ing DARE you do this to us??!?" and keep on ranting from there This exercise can be very healing.

I wish there was a magic answer to your situation, but there isn't. My thoughts will be with you.

Answer 3

I know your hurting and your loyalty is with your mother understanable. but you don't know the whole story. You don't know about how mom and dad were like you said you thought every thing was great and you see its not how much more are you missing from this story. Things arn't always what they seem sure parents try to keep this from there kids and its hard you found out. but don't blame just your dad her infact don't blame anyone. Only those two know what really drove them apart but just know this That your dad still is the greatest person in the world he hasn't stopped loveing you and you'll still be daddy's girl its his hard work and devotion to you kids that you live comfortably. sure is private life was a mess but he wanted to bring you joy the best he could with the way he could. But sometimes my dear people too even dads need love and sometimes they don't feel they get what they need. but this doesn't mean you should hate your father and turn away from him. He loves you more than you'll know. Please don't judge him remmember you haven't walked in his shoes you dont' know the pain he keeps inside. Just go on loving your Dad as you always have.

Answer 4

Your father has made a pretty big mistake by cheating on your mom. It's very sad but the fact of life is that it happens a lot more than people realize. You could confront him on it, but he may deny having any type of affair. You might be best to just continue to love him for who he is, your dad, but realize that he has frailties like all human beings and hope and pray that the other woman disappears before it's too late.

Answer 5

Oh yuck...what a horrible position he has put you in. I would ask your dad if it's over, if not, I would sit down with both and them and spill what you know then leave for a while. Personally, I think your mom deserves to know she could potentially be exposed to STD's and your dad needs to know how this affects you also. Affairs are always selfish. I really hope things work out but remember, parents are people too who make mistakes.

Answer 6

Forgiving your dad is going to be hard. You just have to know that even though he might not love your mom he loves you. Don't be mad at him forever because if you are you might regret it some day.
You'll probably never feel the same with him but you'll feel better if you talk to someone you can trust about it. You don't need it bottled up inside of you.

Answer 7

It sounds like I wrote this question myself. My father cheated on my mother their entire married life and on my stepmother before she died. You should tell him that you know because you will never be able to look at him the same any way that it goes. Maybe you could go out to dinner or lunch and sit down and tell him what you know. I feel your pain. You will never forgive him but one day you will be able to form a different type of a relationship with your father.

Answer 8

What do you want to do? What if any fears do you have that may keep you from action which can be the source of this new alone feeling? Sometimes we put people on a pedestal. People fall from grace from time to time as they are only human. If and when you can see your father in another perspective you may begin to see the way to forgiveness.

Answer 9

As much as it hurts, you have to tell your mom. It will be much more painful for her if she finds out that your dad is cheating on her. While keeping this a secret may keep your parents "together" for longer, you can't make your dad love your mom if he doesn't. I hope that it goes well and I know what you are feeling right now. Best of Luck!!!!!

Answer 10

I would tell him that I know what he's doing, and if he doesn't stop then i'll tell my mother. she DOES deserve to know anyways. it's a chance for him to make things right before it gets the whole family upset. but if he doesn't stop, it's time to tell. I think giving him a chance to make things right is good enough. and if he can't, then he obviously doesn't rerally love your mother as much as he used too. he knows what he's doing is wrong, and he can't just keep doing it and expect everything to work out ok. I wonder, just how long does he expect to keep this up? Just how long does he expect to keep it secret? It can't keep happening. it has to stop. one way or another. you can't possably let your mother go through this any longer, the longer she doesn't know, the worse. I say give him a shot, and if he blows it, then he shouldn't be respected, because he obviously doesn't respect this family enough to stay true to you all.