Why do I fluctuate between feelings of love and disgust about my fiance?

Question

I have been with him for awhile now, and about once a week i get disgusted with him. He lives in a dumpy apartment with a dirty roommate, has a crappy job, wears lame clothes and walks like he has a stick between his legs. BUT he is the sweetest, most sincere man i have ever known and we have a lot of interests in common. He supports me emotionally and we get along wonderfully. I feel caring and love for him one day, then annoyance and disgust with him the next. How can I marry someone I'm not sure I'm 100% in love with? If I break it off it will break his heart, and probably mine too.

Answer 1

You are struggling with your personal intrinsic validation and the need for external validation (the approval of others). Your man dos not seem to have that problem. You are compatiblle on many levels, but not on this level.

You are feeling not disgust for him, but rather for yourself for judging him by such superficial standards. You are feeling regret for allowing yourself to be so shallow.

There is a middle ground here that you might want to try to reach. Simply "telling him how you feel" isn't the answer. That would imply that he is responsible for your feelings, which he's not. Girls always recommend this, but that's how women communicate with other women, not women with men.

You could sit him down and go over some things that would come up in a marriage. These are things that people blinded by love tend to overlook. These include where you will live once married, what about kids, jobs, college, division of housework, who's family to visit on what holidays, religion, investments, who will be responsible for budgeting, paying the bills, pets, a house or apartment, cars, cooking, your definitions of infedility and inappropriate relaionships, what you will and won't accept, fighting styles, make-up styles, etc.

You do not have to agree 100% with everything, but you do need to have a mutual understanding and respect for each othe's views and values. And it is pointless to think you will someday be able to change those things about your partner.

You might ask him if he would let you recommend a style makeover or at least some suggestions that he can be happy with. You might also let him know that you have higher standards of living that his apartment.

Who knows, you might be holding him responsible for his roommate's laziness, and he might even be tired of it and glad to move out. Maybe he has no fashion sense or doesn't really care.

I am not saying you should change him, but maybe find out why he looks/dresses/lives the way he does. See if he might want some input, or maybe give him a way he can impress you.

And you should decide what is most important to you. The approval of strangers whom you don't know, don't care about, and will never see again, or the one who cares for you, accepts you, respects you, and makes you feel like his #1 choice?

Physical appearance and living standards are superficial things that can change. Sweetness, compassion, sincerity, empathy, and integirty are thing that make a person who they are. If the person lacks those traits, they will not likely "grow" them spontaneously. Hang onto a good man, and the rest will fall into place.

Answer 2

Then don't marry him. If there are so many things about him that really grind on you -- his job would be the biggie--- it will only grind on you worst later. Read some of the questions on the site for real eyeopeners. No one is ever 100% sure of anything, but if his personal habits are something you cannot ignore now, it will be a wedge later. You can remain a fathful committed couple without living with him or marriage, unless you are planning a family, marriage (the piece of paper) a house together, are important... But, hon, if you are simply annoyed and disgusted now, it will all turn to revolt and resentment later, and resentment will kill any affection.... You can't expect to marry a guy, then go about changing him!!!!... . he is what he is, and you take him that way, and he takes you that way, faults and all. So, again, don't marry him,

Answer 3

Well my mom used to say that it's the little overlooked things that are annoying that actually turn into reasons to split up in married couples. If you love him tell him how you'd be more comfortable with him being a little more tidy or suggest he let you help him organize stuff. And as far as the other things you dislike you have to weigh things out, make a list of the negative and positive things about him, make sure things can be worked out before you decide to call it quits, how is he to make changes if he doesn't even know they need to be made?

Answer 4

If you broke off your engagement you say it would break his heart and yours... Would it break your heart because his was broken or because you would miss him?? I married someone a looong time ago that I was not truly in love with - I tried to "postpone" the wedding but he freaked out and guilted me and I went forward with it. I was young and foolish and easily swayed; partly because I felt intense guilt about hurting him... If I had the guts to break it off before we married, my life would have been different I'm sure...

I finally left him and we are divorced - I'm happy to report I'm married again and it's wonderful! I married a man I respect, a man who is good to me, and we have a very nice life together. I really think that if you DEEPLY love & RESPECT your fiance, the things you find "disgusting" would not bother you so much... I also think that being honest with your partner is important and you might need to have a talk with him about your concerns. It sounds like you have a good friend in him, but maybe not marriage material?....

Answer 5

Please understand one thing. Never ever think your will be able to change him. You may a little but for the most part no.

So you must decide if you can live with the things that annoy you. And you must be honest with yourself. You will hurt him less if you move on now than marrying him and dumping him later.

Be true to yourself and save both of you a lot of heartache.

If you decide you can live with his human qualities be absolutely sure. It will only be worse when you share a house together.

Answer 6

Before you make any rash decisions, think about this:
Hasn't he be like that the ENTIRE time you were dating? Chances are you are finally realizing that this is who he is--he is a slob who is content living like one.

You need to talk to him about this first and foremost. You also need to consider your own needs--he isn't going to change once you marry him. In fact ,it will only get worse.

You need to make the decision, but you need to clue him in on it too. It's unfair to pretend that nothing is wrong. Talk to him.

Also--about breaking his heart--this isn't only about him, this about you two. Chances are you would rather stay married for the rest of your life, yes? Instead of marrying because you're afraid of being hearts, you need to be honest with yourself as to what you need. Maybe he's just a better friend.

Answer 7

I'd advise you to at least wait to marry the guy. Until you want to be with the guy, more than ANYTHING else in the world, you shouldn't marry him. Marrying a guy that sometimes disgusts you would be a terribly wrong thing- for both of you.

Answer 8

Honestly, it sounds like you have some insecurities of your own. It is ok to not like some things about a person, but to be disgusted by them is another thing. I suggest that you take a look at yourself and your feelings and figure it out before you possibly make a huge mistake. GL.

Answer 9

He is not the right person for you. But if you want to live the rest of your life in disgust rather than break someone's heart, don't say you were not warned.

Answer 10

If you have doubts as big as those, I'd say stop now before you hurt him. If I ever get married, it will be to someone I love 100% of the time unconditionally, can't live without, and will love forever- no matter what happens.