My bf and i have on and off since freshmen year of highschool we met in middleschool but hated each other till the end of 8th grade. I will be turning 24 years old soon and i really want to get married and to start a family. It took months of convicing to get him to ask me to marry him. He does not believe in it his parents went through a nast divorce.When we first started talking about wether we wanted kids or not he said no and i said yes i wanted kids then he said well maybe i have to think about it?I found out last week he had a vasectomy done last year and never told me.I feel heart broken i have always wanted kids and i have been getting the baby itch recently. Make matters worse he does not even seem into getting married says he just gave in to shut me up what do i do?
2006-11-16 10:43:03 · 23 answers · asked by Jessie L 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
It's obvious he isn't as in to you as you are in to him. He went behind your back to see to it that he couldn't have kids, something you want, and something that he knows you want.
I have a feeling that he likes just having fun.
Women should never pressure their men to marry and never ever ever give an ultimatum, either they will or they won't. After two years, either sh!t or get off the pot. It's been a while, and nothing has progressed.
You deserve somebody that wants to be with you, wants to be married to you, and wants to raise a family with you. No amount of hand wrangling or convincing will ever "make" someone come around to your point of view.
In short, do what will be the most difficult thing you've ever done in your life, get rid of him. Split up for awhile, be alone, learn who you are, have a great time, and then you'll just run into the person that is a great fit, becuase this guy obvously isn't.
Y'all have been together for what? 10 years now? Seriously, are you are anywhere close to the same person you were in 8th grade? Is he? Don't you deserve someone that will want to make you happy?
2006-11-16 10:50:32 · answer #1 · answered by Manny 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Personally I feel you are making a mistake...This has divorce written all over it...It would be one thing if you were together from the beginning, but being you are on and off over the years tells me things are always going to be up in the air...You want kids he doesn't tells another thing,i.e vasectomy...You are definetly pushing him to do something he is either not ready for or don't want any part of...I am sorry to say this...You want to get married and have children so bad, that you are missing the big picture..Stop pushing the issue and think about the next 50 years with him.That will tell you if you really will be happy in the marriage or not...You have to take in account,that if he can reverse the vasectomy, if you want to raise the kids on your own if things don't work out....I wish I could tell you something different, but this is how things are...Good luck
2006-11-16 10:58:30 · answer #2 · answered by Frank D 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
A lot of times, women get married becausr they think that it will help them make their fairy tale complete. I can tell you, from experience, that is not the case.
Even little things that bother you now will become big someday. You guys have different views on some of the most important things life has to offer...think about that.
Do you really want to live your whole life resenting the man you rmarried? I'm sure he doesn't want to live his whole life being resented.
It is obviously beyond the point where you can turn back. He has made up his mind; now you just need to decide if you're going to allow him to make up YOUR mind. If so, you are starting down a long path of giving in.
No relationship is perfect, that should go without saying; but - you need to figure out what are the most important things to you, and figure out what things you are willing to give up. From there, this is a personal decision you are going to need to make...looks like he has already done that.
2006-11-16 11:05:35 · answer #3 · answered by Jax 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I hate to say this because you probably love him alot but you need to leave now before you make a big mistake. I know what it feels like to love someone so much and want to be with them forever. But he has already let go of you. When he got that vasectomy and didn't tell you, that was a way for him to tell you that he wasn't interested anymore. If he really loved you and wanted to be with you, he would want the same things out of life that you want. He would want the kids and you wouldn't have had to convince him to marry you either. He would have asked you because that his how he felt. Not to shut you up. You need to go find that person that is gonna love you and want the same things that you want. Because your boyfriend isn't it. Trust me. You don't want to be stuck in a marriage with someone who doesn't see the same future you do. You see kids and grandkids one day. He obviously doesn't.
2006-11-16 10:52:17 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
End it. Break off the engagement and stop seeing him. Believe me, there is nothing sadder than finding yourself married to a man who doesn't really love you, didn't really want to marry you and whose heart is just not in it. Within a few days of the wedding he will be making snide, angry remarks about the wedding and what a stupid nuisance it was and how glad he is it's over. Benefit from my experience and do not go through with this. I only wish I could turn back the clock and not go through with my wedding to my ex.
Read "He's Just Not That Into You" - it will be a revelation.
2006-11-16 10:56:15 · answer #5 · answered by Specsy 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are definately in a tough spot. If he got a vasectomy and didn't tell you, even though he knew that you wanted children someday, then the two of you are on different life paths. If I were you, sorry to say, I would find someone else. I know that you have been together a long time, but if he doesn't really belive in marriage, doesn't want children and is not interested in any planning for the life you want, then it really is time to say goodbye and find the life you want and are entitled too.
Sit down with him and have a serious talk, you both need it.
2006-11-16 10:48:33 · answer #6 · answered by Jane S 2 · 3⤊ 1⤋
My God! You are going nowhere with this guy (and why did you pursue to "convince" him to ask you to marry him? - why did you not just ask him the question). If you were to get pregnant by him there would be a 95% chance he'd just resent you. He obviously is firm in his beliefs and desires about children and marriage and they are not yours!!! Your guy obviously kept his secret because you were nagging him.
And you should not look to marriage as societal consent to become an immediate baby-producing machine.
If you do want to marry this guy (I know not why you would or should) and hope he changes you should ask him to become foster parents with you. If he does, and he softens to parenting and you stay together then it will be time to see if his vasectomy can be reversed or look into adoption or (If you JUST HAVE to have a personal birthing experience) your being impregnated by a surrogate.
Otherwise, reevaluate becoming a single mom.
2006-11-16 10:56:55 · answer #7 · answered by Marie L 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Pack your bags and move on. If this guy can lie to you about something as significant as a vasectomy then the lies will never stop. As distressing as it might seem right now, you can't save this relationship. Get out now while you still have time to make the life YOU want for yourself. He's not interested in you or your happiness. He's only interested in himself. Run girl! RUN!!
2006-11-16 10:51:39 · answer #8 · answered by Lynn K 5 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Jessie you are going to drive this guy away. He's not a jerk, inconsiderate, or any other slam yahoo's are labeling him with. He is telling you the truth! He doesn't want kids! He doesn't want to get married. That's it in a nut shell. You need to make one of two choices. Either accept a childless life with him, or, get married to someone who "does" want a family atmosphere. Why do women insist on trying to change a guy, then after 5 years, they dump him because they are not what they want. Either accept him or not, end of story.
2006-11-16 11:01:51 · answer #9 · answered by delux_version 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
you move on!... you will NEVER be fulfilled in this relationship. It may hurt at 1st better to hurt now then 20 years from now hurt and have no children be to old to be a mom and have wasted your life on something that you already KNOW is not going to make you happy. Neither of you are right or wrong it's not right for either of you to keep this up. You both want different things out of life don't make each other miserable.
2006-11-16 10:54:19 · answer #10 · answered by ally'smom 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋