My husband has a problem with porn, which isn't normally an issue which would affect our children right now, however I am going to be returning to work and leaving him home with them on a regular basis. My concern is that he will spend his time online veiwing porn while I am gone and not pay attention to our kids, I am also worried they may stumble across him doing it and see it themselves. The are all under the age of 7. I know if I do lock up the computer it will cause a HUGE arguement and I will be accused of being controlling. I feel like I need to look out for my children though. What would you do in this situation?
2006-11-16 06:40:34 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
We have gone through counseling, and honestly I don't like the porn at all, but I do not try to control him. I am only concerned because our children may see something that is inappropriate for their ages. My husband has a known addiction to porn. I have to return to work now because he was recently injured and is on a medical leave from his job for a few months.
2006-11-16 06:52:00 · update #1
Oh, Hon. This is a BIG one. We have several issues here. First, porn should ALWAYS be a problem. You see, if men would stick to a couple of mags a month, no problem, but that is not the case. You see, porn is a slow poison. First he does it every once in a while and then before you know it, it consumes him. He will tell you he does not look at it that often, it is most likely a lie. Porn addictions are just as bad as crack additions. It is VERY hard to break. Not impossible, but VERY hard. With this addiction he is taking time away from you and your kids to fulfill his selfish needs. We he looks at porn, it is mentally cheating on you.
You are right, when you leave home, it will only get worse. He will neglect the kids so that he can sit in front of the computer for hours looking at naked women. The kids will eventually see him doing it.
You know there was a situation like yours that was recently in the news. Sarah Evans (Award winning country star and contestant on this season's Dancing with the Stars) had to leave the Dancing with the Stars completion because her husband has a porn addiction and their young son walked in on him watching pornographic materials. Her son was devastated. She dropped out of Dancing with the Stars because she had to take care of her son.
What I am trying to say here is, you children will suffer because of this addiction. Not only will they be neglected, they will be hurt if they run into this material.
This porn addiction is about to be kicked up a notch because he is going to go crazy when you are not home. He will be like a kid in a candy store. He will have free reign to watch all the porn he wants.
If you are strong enough to take the computer from him, then do it. It is not about you trying to be controlling (which any addict will call you if you try to stop them from indulging in their addiction), it is about you taking care of your kids even when you are not at home.
Be warned your husband will eventually want more than the porn, he is going to want to start touching what he is seeing. It is called natural progression. He has a bad habit that will only get worse.
You and your kids do not deserve this. You are going to be out there busting your butt for your family. You need and deserve the security of knowing that your kids are not going to be ignored while you are at work. You also need to know that you man is being faithful to you in EVERY way while you are gone for the day. He needs to be faithful to you, mentally, emotionally and physically.
By the way, children are very impressionable. They stay innocent for such a short a time. They don’t need to walk in on their father indulging his fantasies with a computer screen, if you get my meaning. He is getting aroused by the porn, and he is going to want release. This could be at a time that your kids need him for something and that will really upset him.
Take the computer if you can or if you don’t need it for work, cut the internet connection (but most likely he has downloaded a lot of stuff and saved it somewhere on your computer). He needs to get into some counseling. So do you. His porn watching has had to have some effect on you and your self-esteem. Try one or two sessions. Just talk to someone. Nothing is worst than having the man you love constantly watching other women. Even if it is only on a computer screen. I wish you the best and God bless.
2006-11-16 07:06:44 · answer #1 · answered by ME 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If you feel your husband is that irresponsible then why are you even trusting him to watch your children? You two should be able to have a discussion about this and come to an understanding without ending up arguing. Make suggestions such as making sure the kids are okay first and then setting a specific time for your husband to get on the computer IF he absolutely has to. He can put the computer in a position as to where the kids can't see the screen and tell them not to approach that area until he has turned the monitor off. His priority should be watching the children and if it isn't perhaps you should find another childcare provider. I'd wonder why he's looking at porn obsessively in the first place.
2006-11-16 06:51:12 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Little Kids Doing Porn
2016-11-16 01:08:36 · answer #3 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I do think your concerns are very valid and need to be addressed.
When women don't do things because they will be accused of being controlling, that is a big red flag.
I'm glad you have the foresight to understand that locking the computer would set him off. Again, that should be a big red flag.
I am concerned about the way you phrase things. I think your husband's problem with porn IS an issue. Perhaps you have been in a position where you've felt you had to compromise in order to maintain some control or freedom in your marriage, so that's why you're being careful not to paint your husband in a bad light.
Thank you for looking out for your children.
If possible it would be good if you could talk to your husband about this. Tell him your concerns. Ask him how he'd like to handle the situation.
If his answer isn't a solution, then you need to take stronger steps. If possible, tell him you're not comfortable with his suggestion. You might give him an alternative of your own, but he might try to get you to compromise. Or he might agree, but then bend the rules.
If talking to him isn't an option, don't let him look after your children just because there's no other solution. Get out. He is trying to control you by his unwillingness to compromise!
2006-11-16 06:50:03 · answer #4 · answered by jen 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like the symptoms of sexual addiction. Is it a problem? It can be. Talk to him, be gentle and concerned. Tell him that you are aware of his addiction to porn, and move carefully through the conversation without being judgmental. Judgment here would be a negative thing. The worst thing you could do is to cause him to clam up and close down completely. It could be a very healthy sexual appetite. I could be that he has fantasies that should always remain fantasies. Once a fantasy becomes a reality it spoils the allure. There are solutions for sexual addiction, but they are lengthy and expensive. These are questions you need to riddle out yourself. You are not alone there are thousands of women in relationships with men who view porn. There is a healthy amount of fantasy that can increase the pleasure in love making. What you have described is a little more than that. If he is open to the concept maybe you should ask him to seek help somewhere. This is a delicate matter and will require patience and kindness on your part. Talk to someone you trust that would never repeat your deepest secrets. This is not a do-it-yourself project. You need help with this one. I hope that I have given you food for thought. Good luck.
2016-03-19 09:17:06 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Typing...
You said: "...which isn't normally an issue" Does he do it openly all the time? The problem is that you let him think that its OK.
Do you yourself think that porn is fine, besides the issue at hand? You need to talk to him and set the record straight. Porn is an addiction, and like all addictions, it affects your lives in a negative way. Porn possesses its victims. Also, what a loser any grown guy with kids must be to sit at home and watch porn during the day, especially when there are kids running around. Highest degree of selfishness.
My advice to you, confront him and say NO MORE PORN!
Someone further down also suggested putting kids in day care, now you have to spend money to finance his "harmless" addiction?
Also, what is he doing at home while you're at work? He doesn't have a job?
2006-11-16 06:46:30 · answer #6 · answered by Rick 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Speak with your husband regarding your concerns and ask that if he feels the need to surf for porn that he only do it while the kids are down for nap or next door playing with the neighbours children. Advice him that you are concerned that he is beginning to have a problem with how much and when he views and that you don't want to have the kids exposed to this at all. Hopefully he will be open minded enough to hear you concerns and be on the same page as you. Best of luck and be truthful and honest without losing your temper through this conversation.
2006-11-16 06:45:07 · answer #7 · answered by crazylegs 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
The best thing to do is look out for your children. Porn is always going to be there, if he feels the need to look at it, he can look at it when the kids are either asleep or while you are at home able to take care of him. He loves his kids and i'm positive that he wouldn't want his kids to barge in while he's looking at it.
Good Luck Hun!
2006-11-16 06:43:39 · answer #8 · answered by Mrs V 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
The trust issues in this relationship seem to run deeper than your husband's issues with porn.
Fact is, you feel like you need to control your husband because you don't trust him. And any attempts to restrict or monitor his access to porn are, in fact, attempts at controlling him.
There is no simple solution to your dilemma. I would strongly recommend couples' therapy. Good luck!
2006-11-16 06:47:16 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
first of all, i don't know why you're defending him and the porno at all. sure porno is fine for private time, but the sheer fact that you are afraid to leave your children with your own husband because he might whip out the porn in front of them is just ridiculous! it also worries me that you are afraid to confront him with this issue because it will cause an arguement. this is not a safe living environment for your children whatsoever, and it sounds like your husband is the one who needs the job as opposed to his twisted hobby of porn with the kids. i think the two of you need to sit down and discuss this issue on a serious level, and maybe he needs professional help. i think cps would agree too.
2006-11-16 06:46:17 · answer #10 · answered by Linz 1 · 2⤊ 0⤋