There isn't much more to say other than that. He hates me. We've been married for 10 years. We have 2 kids. for years now he's become more and more narcassistic. There was a time when he was depressed and verbally and emotionally abusive and dating other women. i eventually filed for a legal seperation. he since has wanted to make things work, however, has gone right back to treating me poorly. He seems to want me to fee like i'm this mean aulful person, but i know i'm not. he has no friends. i have tones! i know i am a much better person than he percieves me to be. he acts as if i annoy him. i don't want to get divorced, but how do I be with someone who obviousely doesn't want to be with me. how do get through the days with someone who doesn't speak to me or sleep with me. i think he has some seriouse control issues and simply doesn't respect me or women in general. i feel like he's play so many mind games. i feel like he's plotting against me to some how take my children from me.
2006-11-16 04:43:55 · 26 answers · asked by goodtalkin' 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
If you've already read up on Narcissistic Personality Disorder and understand that this is a completely overwhelming disorder that he has, you already know that it is impossible for him to change. You're likely in the "hope" stage where you hope against all hope that he could one day change. But the sweet person he may have showed you before you were married was a total facade, an act, because that person doesn't exist. It took everything he had to portray a "good man" image for you, and the act ended the day you got married. He will never change because he doesn't feel there's anything wrong with him; he will blame everything on you. And you'll accept blame for so much until you're a quivvering mass of guilt and depression, near madness from his covert mental abuse.
I strongly suggest you start planning your escape. You can divorce him, but it will be the ugliest divorce you can imagine, because men like him "won't" lose. They'll do anything they can to paint you as the worst person in the world. You may have to accept a lot of personal loss in order to break free of him, possibly including the kids.
Read up on this at Sam Vaknin's website. It's long but extremely detailed. It will outline exactly what to expect from this guy. Hang on tight, I fear the worst is to come; whether you stay or go. Sorry you have to endure this. Good luck.
2006-11-16 04:53:15 · answer #1 · answered by Ade 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋
It sounds like he has boarderline personality disorder. The best thing you could do for yourself and your children is to get out now. Face it, your marriage is going to end - now or later. Wouldn't you rather find someone who will cherish you?
Of course it's not easy, but I've done it and thousands of other women have done it too.
This is a very depressing and demoralizing situation, I know. I've been there too.
If you don't have a job, get one. Get parents or family or friends to help you move out. He can't take your kids, don't worry. That's a very common threat that holds no water in court.
Leave what you must as far as possessions, but get yourself and your kids out. Hopefully, they are still young and resilient.
Believe me - I am not for divorce at all. I lived through a hellish 18-year marriage because I so didn't want a divorce. i thought that I could do it all by myself and make it okay. I couldn't and you can't.
From experience I'm telling you to cut your losses and move on. Find a good lawyer and get a good arrangement.
Good luck and God bless.
P.S. Enroll yourself and your kids in therapy. You will all need it. You may not think so, but you will later. First things first.
2006-11-16 05:06:07 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
I think you already know the answer to your questions. This man is being emotionally abusive to you, and it is a well established pattern of behavior for him. Your children can feel the stress in your marriage, and they're learning by your example that if their spouse treats them hatefully that they should stay in the relationship and take it, suffering instead of thriving in this world. You can't control another persons actions, you can only control your actions. Step up to the bat and take control of your life by making it BETTER. Divorce him. The court almost always gives custody to the wife. If he abuses them during his visits, you document it and present it to the court. Make the divorce happen before your kids are 18 - he may be hoping to delay it so that he wont have to let you have as much of your shared assets.
2006-11-16 04:51:57 · answer #3 · answered by steve d 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Simple. File for divorce and tell the judge what you are saying here. This is not a healthy situation for you or your children. For their best interest, health and well-being, you must remove them from this situation any way that you can. You do not want them to be exposed to this estranged marital example any longer than they have been, because surely, you do not want for them to except this as the norm for marriage and relationships. Reach out to friends, family or community programs for encouragement and support. And most importantly - Talk about it with someone, anyone, or everyone (consider meeting with a counselor or therapist.) Tell them how this makes you feel: to have experienced this malnourished marriage; to be leaving it behind. Remember, you are not the problem, but the solution remains in you alone. You are in control of your choices and decisions. You are in control of you.
Good will to you.
Roz
2006-11-16 05:01:17 · answer #4 · answered by Roz 1 · 0⤊ 1⤋
This is a lot like what my wife went through with her ex. Your husband has mental problems probably depressed low self esteem and no true friend to talk to. He is going to treat you bad and make you feel bad about yourself or even try to blame you for all his problems. Like my wife's ex he will blame everyone but himself for his problems. My wife told me it was hard to leave only cause she was scared of being on her own. Now everyone she knows says she and her kids are much happier that they are in a more stable and loving home. Sorry to say but you and your children might be better off leaving him and trying to move on to a better life.
2006-11-16 05:06:16 · answer #5 · answered by rottn30 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
The fact you are writing this proves it is not working...however baldly he wanted to try and make it work. The fact that he acts as if everything you do irritates him, shows his unhappiness,which in turn I'm sure makes you unhappy. Some people are never going to be happy, they are most unhappy with themselves, so whatever you do will never be enough.
Stay away and start life again.....there is someone out there who will love you as you deserve to be loved.
2006-11-16 04:50:46 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Start looking for someone new to begin a better more rewarding relationship with.
File separation, divorce and for sole custody of your children.
2006-11-17 01:14:02 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
from what you have said, you already know the answer. looks like it is time to take a stand or be locked into a miserable exixtence forever. self imprisionment. miserable is a terrible feeling. do you want his issues to continue being your issues? it may effect your children. they can feel what you feel even it you try to cover it with busy work and caring for them. pray for direction, and remember to be prepared for what will be revealed to you and to accept it at face value. remember that you were not created to be miserable all the time. we all have trials and tribulations and hopefully we learn from them to make us stronger. on the other had, i'm not going to sleep in quicksand.
2006-11-16 04:53:40 · answer #8 · answered by justrying2makit 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
well. this sounds like the last few months of my marriage. i am sure everyday all day long you think about this and it makes you sick. its so sad to have to deal with this. here is my advice.-- talk to him first and let him know how you feel. if you have been there numerous times like i had..... then i think its better if you just end it all. it sux i know but in the long run...... it will be the best thing to do
2006-11-16 05:08:02 · answer #9 · answered by naynes and kahkah 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Valuable Lesson #1 - You cannot change anyone! No matter what you say, do or plead....he is who he is and if changing needs to be done...HE needs to do it.
Valuable Lesson #2 - If you can't live with him the way he is, cut your losses...the reason....refer to Lesson #1.
Valuable Lesson #3 - If a persons perception of reality doesn't coincide with actual reality...medical intervention is needed.
Valuable Lesson #4 - Regardless of how much you love a person, if they make your life unbearable...its time to leave!!
2006-11-16 04:51:21 · answer #10 · answered by Miloree 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋