abusive relationship?

Question

my boyfriend of 4 years has been really cold to me for a while now. he likes to boss me around when were around his family or friends. He grabs me really hard by the arm sometimes to "make me listen" and leave huge purple bruises. if i do something wrong, instead of laughing it off like we used too, he treats me like a child who should be punished. he makes me feel bad about myself and calls me fat and other immature names. i'm 23 5'6 and only 116 lbs! i don't think i'm that fat. what should i do? does this even constitute as abuse?

i do confront him about it but he always says he does it because i make him do it. he blames me for what he does.

Answer 1

My sister,

Let me first say I am so sorry that you are going through this. It takes courage to post a question like this and risk hearing answers you may not want to hear.

You need to get away from him. I know this because I was in an abusive situation but I was married.

Please open your heart to hear this the best way you can. You are a beautiful queen with a spirit who deserves the best in life.
Physical abuse and emotional abuse is wrong. Regardless of the reasons that he gives you for his actions.

He has real issues with anger and abuse because he was probably abused himself. It still does not give him a right to abuse you.

My concern is with you. Your heart knows that something is wrong. I had to ask myself after I left my relationship. What was it in me that allowed myself to stay even after I recognized something was wrong? I ask you the same question. No matter what has happened in your personal past that makes you feel bad about yourself, you can recover and build your self esteem to heal the wound.

I say that because I have been there. I will pray for you. Get out and now and allow yourself to heal before entering another relationship. You don't need to be with anyone. Love yourself first. Learn how to do that. You deserve it. Once you start to love yourself you will be able to see exactly why leaving this relationship is a blessing.

Feel free to email me. Call your local family violence shelter. I would also say to call a church. Unfortunately there are a lot of Churches that don't have experience in domestic abuse. So if you call there and it seems like no one understands you, that's one reason why.

I know you can do this. He has messed with your mind for 4 years and he knows how to get to you. My heart hurts with you.
Take Care of you. Know that you are not alone.

Answer 2

Please sit this guy down and talk to him. Let him know how you feel and this cannot continue. If it does, tell him it's over. Before you expect people to respect you and treat you right, you must respect yourself and treat yourself right. You need to realize that this relationship is going to end up in a disaster if you don't put a halt to it right now. You need to take a good look at yourself and tell yourself you don't deserve this type of abuse. I've been married for almost 17 years and I have never, never put one single bruise or aggressively grabbed my wife. We have had very serious arguments but I have never belittled her or offended her, just to get my way or hurt her. When a person gets to the point of hurting you and then telling you, "it's your fault or it's for your own good" it's time to take a step back and re-evaluate your relationship. Imagine if he treats you like this as bf and gf, what will it being if you dare marry this guy, uhhh, scary.

Good luck, talk to him, if he doesn't change, it's time for you to leave and regroup.

Answer 3

Sweetheart, yes this is abuse. Nothing you say or do gives anyone the right to abuse you. He has no respect for you and needs to get professional help! There are so many men out there that would treat you with respect and love. You need to get out of this relationship as soon as possible, before he hurts you more. He will not change. If anything, he will get worse, and you don't have to put up with it. Good Luck! I hope this helps a little.

Answer 4

Girl, you need to get out of that relationship and FAST! You are in a very abusive relationship and it will not get better I hate to tell you. It doesn't matter if it has been 4 months or 4 years, it will only get more difficult for you to break up with him the longer you let this go on. I don't know the statistics but too many women and children suffer and even die from domestic violence each year. It's some horrific number. Please do yourself and the ones you love a favor and get out of the relationship. Ask a friend or family member to keep you accountable for not contacting him so you're not tempted to get back with this guy. I know it's hard but it's the truth. I know if one of my friends was in your situation, I would want her to get out of the relationship and would do everything in my power to help her avoid him. YOU DO NOT DESERVE THOSE BRUISES AND ABUSIVE LANGUAGE AND HE DOESN'T DESERVE YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE BETTER THAN THAT. Hope I helped. :)

Answer 5

I know you feel you have been with him for awhile, but never let anyone talk bad to you or treat you without respect. He has changed and you don't understand. When people start to grow up and you never really know who they might grow into. Does he go to church ? Is he in therapy? If not, I don't see him changing his abusive behavior. Alot of women who are beaten horribly by men start out the same way you do - abuse escalates. Don't wait to see if the disrespect and roughness turns into cursing at you and beating you. I would advocate standing up for yourself, but this guy may get violent, so it's best to find a man who will really nurture you and be gentle with you.

Answer 6

Anyone that grabs and leaves a mark is being abusive. Mental and phyical abuse is not good for anyone, the bruises will go away but the mind feelings won't. You need to open your eyes and just walk away from him. I really don't understand why women stay in that situation to begin with, how they can love someone like that. Don't be afraid to walk, there is someone out there that will love you for who you are.

Answer 7

Hey Twiggy, Yes this is clearly abuse.

The first thing you need to do is leave him now.

You need to know that this isn't your fault, it's his. You also need to know that he will not change.

The next thing you need to do is, get some counseling for yourself (there's no shame in that at all) and find yout why you are attracted to guys like that. It's not your fault, but you may be dealing with some insecurities (we all have them) that make you feel like you need an overly assertive person in your life. Otherwise, there's a pretty good chance that you'll go find another abusive guy like this one.

Good luck, Twiggy.

Answer 8

I think the fact you even think you are in an abusive relationship means that you are. you know what to do deep down. get some help from your family or friends and get out!
No one should ever be treated like
Good Luck

Answer 9

girl it is abuse anyone who treats you bad in any kind of way is an abuser and believe me it gets worst i was there years ago till i woke up from fantasy land and smack him back the last time he put his hands on me and believe me is hard but you learn and a relationship is not about discipline is about understanding and love and he dont seem to be doing any of the above so please get over him and take care of you and what you need then someday you will find someone who will compliment you and not put you down and be carefull with him it usually just gets worst

Answer 10

Yes, it is an abusive relationship. Get out. You don't deserve this behaviour. Find someone who knows how to treat a woman.