When is it time to leave?

Question

I have been with my husband for over twenty years, however in the last year I have become increasingly aware of the differences between us. I like to go out, try new things, socialise. I like the cinema and music, exercising and generally life. My husband on the other hand doesn't do anything, won't try anything new, he works away a lot and when he is around we don't have anything to talk about. On one hand I am afraid to leave, afraid of the unknown. But on the other hand I dread the prospect of retirement with him. I do love him but I am beginning to think that is not enough. I am confused. When is it time to leave?

Answer 1

talk to him!!!!!

Answer 2

Here is what I have learned because you described the exact situation that I was faced with. I worked a lot of hours and just felt like coming home was the best thing going. My wife wanted to get out and do things but I never had the energy or desire to get out and socialize. Thus after some growing apart my wife did leave and now I am paying the price.

First take into consideration what your husband goes through on a daily basis and make sure that you are not being overly selfish when it comes to your marriage. You have to compromise and if he is not willing then what I am going to tell you might work and it might not. The next time that you have an opportunity to talk to your husband, tell him the truth. Tell him that you are not happy and that you want to leave him. If that doesn't open the lines of communication then your marriage may not be worth saving anyway.

The so called experts say that marriages are most vulnerable between the 13th and 18th years due to changes in men and woman. Men feel as if they have had all the excitement the can stand and just want peace and woman have sacrificed so much that they want to get out and experience life to the fullest. Try to get some understanding on where he is in life and let him know where you are at.

It is better to talk it out than act on emotion. Be sure of you feelings and desires and try to reason as much as possible. My wife left me for some of the same reasons you cite and guess what happen. Now she is stuck working sixty hours a week for her new life style and though I am not happy currently going through a divorce, I am doing the very things that she wanted to do i.e. the movies, concerts, working out, and some traveling. I am taking care of my kids and even though I facing financial hardship, I have gained the spark that I was missing. My point is give it some time and don't be to hasty. Work things out before they get any further out of hand.

Good luck.

Answer 3

I was married almost 22 years before I filed for divorce and he had a friend though called " BUD " that I believed he liked better than me and his football and deerhunting. Which , hey football,deerhunting are all OK and even some beer drinking but where do I come in? The beer won over and his unattentative behavior to my needs, things I like to do. Things as simple as a picnic.My stars is that too much to hope for, maybe twice a year? There are other people out there that would be willing to take you off his hands. I really don't think their aware of that. In fact when I moved out, he didn't even bother to show any remorse at all. Maybe he was ready for me to leave also. After all, kids grown, his Mom and Dad are both deceased,etc...What NEED did he have for me ? No, he wasn't even interested in that UNLESS I made the first move. Did I help? Oh did I mention, I have a real sweet boyfriend. He divorced after 38 years because his situation was about the same too. It happens to men too.You'll know if and when its time. Only you will know that answer. Depends on your state of mind and if your happy.Are you?

Answer 4

You have been married for 20 years and now all of a sudden in the last year, you realize you guys are different. Something is not right there. Sounds like you are having a case of the "greener grass blues". Just to let you know, men haven't changed much in the past 20 years, except some now are open about wanting to be with other men. Do you really want to have to get to know someone all over again and take the chance that they might be telling you the truth. I suggest you discuss with your husband exactly what you wrote here. If he isn't willing to make a change then I guess you will have no other choice. I just hope you know what you are doing. Good luck and GOD bless.

Answer 5

While you are confused, I suggest not leaving. Instead of running out on a problem, do your best to fix it first (Of course there is only so much you can do). There are several things you can do, talk to your husband,tell him that your not happy discuss why and try to see if there is a way to work on it. Ask him if there is anything going on that might prevent him from wanting to do the things that intereset you. Make an effort to find out what intrests him and try to take an active roll in it. Seek counsiling so you both have a forum with an independent 3rd party to help you figure out why there are the issues that there are. Try and think back to when you first were falling in love with your husband, what was it that first attracted you to him?

Answer 6

there is no reason to fear the unknown and no your not confused: just dont know how to deal with things on your own. You will be fine and as for the best time to leave: now would be a good idea to take a trip by yourself to clear your head . Sometimes stepping away from a problem and getting your thoughts straight helps in any issue. Take some time to your self in other words. you will then be able to see things more clearly when you come back. You are also important. Remember that.

Answer 7

Give it one last concerted effort, talk to him, plan stuff that you both can do.
If in 6 months you are no happier then move on. Speak to a friend who knows you both well, good to get an opinion from the outside, as some of it may be down to you as well.

If you have tried all options and split after, at least when you look back you know you did your best.

Answer 8

You both need to seek help from a counselor. 20 years is a long time to be with one person and give up because of differences. Who says that you have to be attached at the hip. Maybe talk to him and compromise, he goes with you, you go with him doing things that you don't care to do but do it for the other person. It can be done. And if you leave be warned grass is not always greener on the other side. This person has stuck by you for 20 years through heaven and through hell you owe it to him and to yourself. Good luck.

Answer 9

You'll be surprise to see how things would & can change if you just sit and talk with your husband. Twenty years is a lot to walk away from, based on what you just said.

Answer 10

Try reading "Power of a Praying Woman" by Stormie Omartian. Helped me put alot of things in life into perspective. Including my husband. My husband is similar to what you described. But our relationship has been rejuvenated...got better and stronger.
With God, all is possible.

Answer 11

No marriage, no relationship is perfect. Everyone experiences lulls in all relationships. Remember this, you have invested 20years into this relationship and so has he. Surely you can find something good enough about it to salvage it. I feel you both need counseling. You might be unhappy but the unhappiness can be fleeting. Remember the grass might look greener on the other side, but you never see the manure it takes to make it that way. Be realistic in your assessment of this situation. Best of luck to you.