My sister or my friend?Please help!?

Question

My friend is going out with this guy for about 3 years but she is unfaithful to him and does not appreciate her man.He knows about this guy that she is seeing on the side but they are still together.I think that they are just holding on to what they HAD and not what they HAVE.
Now this is the twist,my sister is seeing her boyfriend on the side!She knows that he is in a relationship and she also knows about all the wrong that my friend is doing.I think that they both really like each other and there is lots of potential for the relationship to grow.Am i wrong to keep my sisters secret?
I feel terrible even though i only found out bout my sister and this guy a while after it started.

Answer 1

Hi Sweetie, I appreciate your delema, but I want you to try to take a step back for a moment. This situation is highly emotional and at first glance it may appear to you that you have some degree of involvement in it. However, the truth of the matter is this is between your sister, your friend and your friends boyfriend. Now, also please remember your friend and her "boyfriend" are not marred, so they are not truly in a committed relationship. This fact is born out by your friend seeing another man and the current 'boyfriend" not making much of a fuss about it. Regardless, this situation truly does not involve you, you are free to not say anything to any of them. Let them work this out for themselves.

Now, lets discuss what could, and propably would happen if you involved yourself. First when it comes right down to it YOU will be the bad guy here, YOU will be blamed for stirring up trouble. I know that sounds horridly unfair, but it is as it is. I know as I have seem many situations like this and the person in your shoes has always gotten the raw end of the deal, losing both the people who are loved and cared for, or at the very least having several individuals very upset and angry for the "meddling" that they were accussed of. Secondly, when things are going wrong it is very common and human nature for people to seek somebody other than themselves and the others close to them to blame. It is much easier to blame a person who was just trying to help, trying to do the right thing, than to blame the correct people. I would not touch this with a ten foot pole it I were you. It will only lead to heartache and betrayal, betrayal of you, of your good intentions, and destroy your trust and damage your love. You will be the one hurt the most, not all the other three involved in the mess.

No matter your good intentions, your sister will be angry with you your friend will be angry with you, the man will be angry with you. Why place yourself in such a losing situation when it should be the ones involved who work this out? I know how difficult it is to watch people you love make mistakes. However, sometimes we have to just hold back and let them make their choices and then be ready to love and support them when they fall on their faces. That is the best you can do for both your sister and your friend. Be there to catch them and support them through the pain of their mistakes or the pain of betrayal by others.

This man is in one relationship and now involved with your sister as well. He has not extracated himself from the first relationship and obviously still has feelings for your friend. It is never a good idea to jump from relationship to relationship. It is not healthy and it cheats the one doing it and the ones he gets involved with too. What he needs to do is make a decision regarding his relationship with your friend. If he decides his relationship with her should end, he should end it, break off, and take some time to recover from it, to allow all unfinished emotions to work themselves out. When a person has not truly closed out one relationship and then jumps into another relationship, the person who is now the current main sqeeze is cheated as the emotions are split between two or more people. Each of us deserve all of the emotional wherewithal of our romantic mates. It is not right to still have emotions engaged elsewhere as this robs the new person of attention, emotions, etc. If it is directed in more than one place, nobody gets the benifit of the whole package, and that is simply unhealthy and unfair.

Your friend also is making a mistake by engaging in two relationships at one time. She is unable to give all of herself to either of these men and it these men had higher self esteem they would not tolerate sharing her. It is that simple. Your sister also should not tolerate sharing somebody. It is not indicitive of high self esteem or of self respect.

Sadly, this is something they have to work out for themselves. Even if you are telling them the utter truth they will not appreciate it, not one little bit. They do not want to hear the voice of reason, nor do they want anyone to interfer in their business. Even though your intentions are good, you will come out of this with one or two black eyes, figuratively speaking, that is. All three of them will be angry with you, as unfair as that sounds, it is simple truth.

Sweetie, I understand your feeling torn over this. I would like you to understand you do not have to feel torn over it. This is their mess not yours and you do not owe it to anyone to interject yourself into the mess they have allowed themselves to get into. Let them work this out and just be a good friend and sister, be there for them when they need your emotional support. If they ask for your opinion, speak carefully, as usually in cases like this they are wanting confirmation of their choices, not the voice of truth, wisdom and reason. I encourage you to be honest with them, but it is not your place to tell their secrets to others, even about how their actions are affecting each other.

When you hold a position of nuetratlity you allow the pressure to be off of your shoulders and on those that it belongs. If asked why you did not speak up and tell what you knew, simply tell the person who asked it was not your place to tell the secret. It was not your place to get involved. Tell them that you love them, but that they are the ones in this situation by choice and it is unfair to place any responsibility of the actions of others onto your shoulders. Tell each of them, if it comes to it, that you love them both and that you feel placed in the middle and that is not where you belong and it is not right to expect you to involve yourself.

This establishes bounderies, healthy bounderies, which will stand by you throughout your life. It is important for you to know when you have a responsibility to involve yourself in others business and when you are interjecting yourself, pushing yourself, onto others unasked and unwanted. For example, if you saw a child being abused, then yes you should speak up. In this case however, you have no responsibility to do so as all of the people involved are adults and able to make their own choices and mistakes, and to then learn and grow from those choices and mistakes.

You honestly do not have any responsibility here Sweetie. It is a burden you can let go of, walk away from, let these three people work through the messes they are making, and just be there when they need you. Try not to judge them, as you really do not have any right to do that either. I know it is difficult to not pass judgements on those we love who we think have made poor choices or acted badly. However, we are all here on a journey of growth, and making mistakes is often how we learn, and when we learn we grow. If you interfer in this you are interfering in their personal growth. You wouldn't want to do that would you? They have to experiance the negitive results of these choices, or they will be doomed to repeat them. We make the same mistakes over and over again until we learn the lessons we need and move on to the next ones.

I honestly do not think your sister should be considering a relationship with a man who has not even left his girlfriend yet, let alone resolved his feelings and emotions regarding her. He is not able to give all of himself to your sister and that is very unfair to her. If he truly cares for your sister he shoud stop seeing her, leave your friend, allow some time to work through and have closure of his relationship with your friend and then begin dating your sister when he has all of himself to offer her, when he is not distracted by another woman and unfinished business with her.

I am afraid this is going to blow up in all three of their faces, and all you can really do is wait it out and then provide unconditional love and support for them when it is required. Neither of them have any right to ask you to choose between them either, when the truth comes out. For either of them to say, "If you were really my friend you would be angry with your sister for going behind my back and cheating with my boyfriend", or "Your my sister and should be more loyal to me than to any friend". Any statements like that are unfair and untrue. Simply tell them that you love them both and they made these decisions not you and it was not your place to get involved in their personal lives when you were not invited to do so.

Good luck Sweetie, and I hope you allow yourself to feel free of all the pressure you currently are under. It truly is not your responsibility regarding telling or not telling, or involving yourself in this sordid mess they have created. Also, if your sister asks you please tell her she deserves more than a man who is divided between her and another woman. Tell her she is worth much more than that and deserves to be the only woman in a mans life. Don't tell her what to do, just tell her how much more she deserves and you love her. Good luck Sweetie and I hope this all ets worked out really soon.

Answer 2

No, no,no! You don't have to unquestioningly support family in every decision. What if she committed murder? No, don't support what she's doing, or what your friend is doing. Tell them both (separately) that you afe done with the trashy, Jerry-Springer-special behavior and to QUIT giving you details or involving you in any way! Keep your involvement with them on a different level that isn't so lacking in character! (And find better friends...you can't do anything about your relatives.)

Answer 3

Personally, I'd go to the boyfriend and talk to him. Tell him that you don't want to be in the middle, but you are. I'd tell him you'll give him the chance to break it off w/ the friend if it isn't working out or you're going to. He may actually be doing this so you will tell your friend and he doesn't have to be the bad guy. They are both together only because it's a habit.

Answer 4

find a good and moral educated and if possible neutral tv series or movie which is simliar in your sister situation.

"friends" tv series may have an answer.

on my view, everyone has a past mistake(s) and if you trust that he or she has truly repented and is making amends, then let it be.

heaven will catch up with anyone who strays.

if luck and fate is on your sister side, give her your blessings.

else, you have to pray hard.

or trust heaven will catch up with the guy if he didn't repent his mistakes.

now, you could concern more about her by small things such as letting her watch the tv series she likes etc.

she has grown up and has to learn from her life and any mistakes she made or make in future, she is responsible for her actions and decisions partially or thereof.

it is time to pray silently.

good luck!

mercury of love

Answer 5

i think,unwittingly they know you are assisting them to deceive their current boyfriend/girlfriend and i also think at some point your conscience is going to make you choose and it may all come out,,,it may be advisable to tell your sis and friend that you feel very uncomfortable knowing all this and want to step back from it ,,at least until they have made up their minds,,,you could end up totally in the middle even though you have done nothing,,,you must feel great strain and the only way out is to make your feeling clear and leave both of them to it,,if it isn't you who is making all this trouble for yourself why should you suffer?

Answer 6

Id leave it up to him to make the decision. If you step in and tell your friend about your sister odds are good that you'll lose both, at least for awhile. Tell the guy to man up and make a decision, maybe threaten to tell the friend to get some action out of him...but I definitely wouldn't be the messenger.

Answer 7

your only way out of this is to look at the situation and back away, do your best to mind your own business , if you get in the middle of this it could ... and probably will be BAD , esp for you being that you're close to both girls involved . Just get out , if they try to tell you anything say you don't want to hear it .

Answer 8

Obviously side with your sister. Family always comes first. In that respect, I'm surprised that you are okay with this guy still going out with your friend. If he truly likes your sister, he should end it with your friend and move on with your sis instead. Sounds like he's getting it on both sides...

Answer 9

Whatever you do it's going to be wrong. You should never sit back and allow people to hurt each other and spread diseases like that. It's already going to come back to them. Karma always finds a way of making people get theirs. I just hope you will still be there when both of them come crying to you because you stood by and allowed them to act trashy. Good luck.

Answer 10

this is a tough one for you,when your friend finds out and she will she will of course be mad at you for not telling her but it actually isn't any of your business.they all sound like material for the springer show.If this guy is cheating ,why would your sister want him?she thinks he cheats because he is so in love with her ? well he cheats because he is a coward and hasn't stood up and spoke up or broke up.

Answer 11

Stay out of it. If you can't, tell your sister she's a jerk for going out with a guy that has a girlfriend, but stand by your sister. Blood is thicker than water and family is forever.