How to manage a troublesome husband?

Question

I had earlier posted about my net relationship which in one way had no meaning at all. Since my hubby neglected me too much through out our married life I had tried finding some peace with my net friend. Accidentally he saw one of the love poems that I had sent my net friend and that was the end of it. Ever since he suspects me too much and has made my life hell. He drinks too much and has started treating me very badly. Everyday he complains, keeps nagging me. It is nearly one year up that this incident happened and he feels I am crazy after having cheap sex with all possible men on this earth. I am not like that at all. Bcoz of his negligence I went out of my way for some time. I have tried talking many times with him nicely. I have said 'sorry' 100 times. but noway. He says 'That is the end of it'. He is not even leaving me as I am working and earning. He keeps his salary and I have to give account of my sal also to him. How to sustain this situation? I have a small daughter.

Answer 1

If you are even to save this marriage at all, perhaps you both should go to counseling together. You have major issues in your marriage than anyone in here can give you advice for.

Answer 2

You are Wrong,

He has every right to be angry.

And you are wrong to give account for your money.

Don't share your money with him , this is foolish.


Tell your husband, that you have decided you are changing the rules.

but before you can do that, you have to realize the real reason you cheated via internet.

Cause it is cheating, wouldn't you have been angry to find this out?

OK that being said, you need to flip the script.

If your fat lose the weight. if you walk around looking busted, change.

and stop including him in your decisions, if he's gonna leave then he's gonna leave.

If not he'll stay right where he is.

If you want things to change, you need to realize that you are the only person in this relationship who wants change, so the only person you can change is YOU!!!

So start changing. Do things diffrently. Stop the fighting, and arguing and stop feeling sorry for yourself.

Its a F'd up situation, but you made it worse instead of better.
And you knew what would happen if he found you out.

But you needed the attention so bad , you were gonna get it at any price.

Now you have and your still not happy.-

So here is what i suggest, if your already thin and take care of your self physically, then your half way there.

If not then like i said, lose the weight, and fix your self up.

it won't cost you much and you'll feel better right away.

take vitamins, and buy yourself something new every week.

new pants and a new shirt, change the color of your hair.

if you wear glasses, get new ones.

And DO NOT even talk to your husband, just the basics hi bye nothing.

When you do talk to him speak softly, and with a happy tone.
and if he acts fresh , gently and calmly reply, 'O Janey isn't your daddy silly, he knows thats not the right way to talk to people, tell daddy how he should use his manners.!

and if he only does it when she isn't around, then just ignore him, and answer sweetly, and always keep a smile on your face,

especially when he is around, smiles are contagious, it can change anybody's mood.

And if he is still sleeping in your bed, you need to wear a new sexy outfit that is see through and go to sleep before him and make sure your goodies are hanging out.

And when he makes a move you just let him have at it, don't talk, just act, and if he asks for things that you don't normally give to him, give it up girlly.

Men are creatures of habit and routine.

Food Sex sleep.

This will keep most men around for ever.

and the most important thing to remember is that he will not change unless you do first. trust me, I have a horrible husband,
and my hard work is paying off. slowly so you must be patient.

Remember if you always talk bad about people stop, if you complain all the time then stop, if you never make dinner, stop.
Whether or not you are justified doesn't matter.

at first it will feel one sided, but after time, about a year or 2 for me, ( but my hubby is particularly stubborn, muslim culture )
It seems like a long time but it goes fast, and it probably won't take as long as that. not unless your hubby is like mine.

I hope this is helpful, I have more detailed advice for you if you need it, email me if you need to.

Good luck

Meg
[e-mail]

Answer 3

Check your 'sorrys' at the door and stop playing his pathetic game.

As for his drinking, you should seek al-anon (AA for spouses of alcoholics). Many alcoholics will drink themselves into a conscious state of nastiness, think Mel Gibson. Where they will just say the worst thing they can think of just to get people around them to react (same as people who like to get in fights at bars, sort of 'fun' if you will). It means nothing but hurts a lot.

If you are very attune to your partner you can see this coming before a blow up. Maybe a good time for bed at this point until you can get a real solution in the works. Maybe keeping snacks or dinner ready fast, can also stave off the worst part of the nasty-ies. Al-anon will have a lot better suggestions, but in a 30 second window this is mine.

You need to act like everything is normal. That means handling your money as you used to. Any time he says something mean spirited just ask him to not say that again, and leave it at that, only positive reinforcments, like a little dog. Never any repremands while he is drunk, that will only go badly.

Just a thought on the money, if he has accelerated his drinking, that means spending more, that means he possibly has no idea why he is broke. So this whole thing may have little to do with you and the poem and a lot to do with him and feeling bad and heavy drinking to try and feel better. Alcohol is a depressant after all.

You will need counciling to help get your self-esteem back together and to understand what you can do for your man. Especially for your daughter's sake. Al-anon is free so that may be a great first step.

Answer 4

You opened the door on this with your "net friend." That said, he needs to forgive you and move on. If he can't you need to decide what you are going to do.

He's using your guilt to control you and punish you. Enough is enough. Give him an ultimatum. Stop the booze and get into counseling with you or your leaving.

You made a mistake, but you can't stay in this intolerable situation any longer. You definitely don't need to subject your daughter to it. Find the strength to do what needs to be done here.

Explain to him one more time how sorry you are, that you love him and you want your marriage to work, but that you can't live like this any longer. Make sure you do this when he is sober.

Good luck.

Answer 5

If he is treating you this way, it is not good and it is not fair. This might sound stupid but when you leave someone they change better than staying with them and taking everything from them. You love him right? Well if you love him you should not accept this behavior from him because you dont want the love of your life to be this way, and I am sure you dont want to spent the rest of your life taking everything from him. I understand you have a family and kids but it is not going to do them any good to see all this. If you are sure that you dont want to accept this treatment from him then you should tell him that not once more will you accept it and that you dont want be with him. They say "if you love something, let it go. if it comes back to you is yours, if it doesnt - it never was" . This is actually true. If you love someone you want them to be a good person and you accepting his behavior its just making him worser. Leave him. I know its a marriage but think about the future and how this is affecting your kids. Leave him and see what happens. Maybe he will change for the better. And if he changes for good, you need to move away from your family and do what is best for the family that you created which is your kids, you and possibly your husband if he changes. Listen much and speak less when you tell him how you feel and that you want to break apart. Speak from your heart and look out for what is right. Pray. I will pray for you.

Answer 6

Well write him the same poem you wrote to the stranger on the net.. maybe that will make him feel better. did you tell him that you have never met this person.. it is just someone that pays attention to you so that you have someone to talk to while he is intent on ignoring you ..
Tell him that if he would stop drinking and pay attention to you that this would have never happened in the first place. you have to have someone who pays attention to you..
It has been a year since this has happened , has he paid any more attention to you besides his bitching at you all the time..?
probably not..
Tell him that if you wanted every other man in the world for sex that you would be out there doing it rather than listening to him *****.
you have a line here that says you went out of your way for some time.. what was that for? talking on internet or sex?
If you did not go out and have sex with anyone Sorry should be enough..it won't do anygood to talk to him.. he won't listen as long as he continues to drink.. try to catch him sober someday and talk to him..As for him not leaving that is bull. Tell him that if he continues to complain about this after a years time that he is going to have to leave because you don't need the crap from him.
He apparently isn't giving any of his salary for bills or anything so what good is he to you.. he don't pay attention to you and he isn't helping with the bills so dump his butt.
you are paying for it all and still having to listen to his bitching..
You should never ever have to show him what your salary is.. if he is going to act this way
Sorry for you daughter.. but you have to get control of this situation either get him out of the house or tell him to straighten up. We all make mistakes and they shouldn't last the rest of our lives.. Tell him to go to AA meetings and a councilor and get his act straigthened up and decide if he wants to be a real family or to just leave and let the two of you. You and your daugther be happy.. Didn't want to have to say to tell him to get out but you can't and your daughter shouldn't have to live under these conditions..

Answer 7

You should not have to live down a mistake for the rest of your life, and regardless of your husband's actions, what you did was wrong, you have said you are sorry, and it is up to him to forgive you, if he doesn't that is his pot of tea, don't let it STOP YOU from forgiving yourself. You shouldn't have to live down a mistake over and over again. Don't say you are sorry again. It just feeds him.

Secondly seek threapy. If he doesn't want to go, you go yourself. If money is tight, find a church (baptist I would recc) and a pastor who will counsel you for free.

Your little girl doesn't need to see daddy acting the way he does, hon.

Answer 8

He is self centered and very controlling. Unless you leave him, expect this kind of life your whole marriage..... He can't do anything that you don't let him do. Get out while you are young. You have a full life ahead of you. Find someone who does appreciate you and gets you the attention and kindness that you deserve.

Answer 9

He will keep you "hostage" as long as you allow him to do it. Yes, you made a mistake, but one of two things have to happen now. Either he has to forgive you and never bring it up again, after you've told him you were sorry, or you need to leave him, get your self-respect back, and move on! We ALL make mistakes, but he can't dwell on yours, if your marriage is to survive. Good Luck!!

Answer 10

The controlling and verbally abusive aspect is what is troubling, very. Tell us again what you get out of this relationship? He is a drunkard ontop of all of that. Step back for a second and ask, "What will my daughter learn about how women should be treated by living with me and her father?"

Sad to say, I suggest you separate and seek a divorce. Writing a poem to someone is not the same as dating them or having sex with them. And his behavior is what is the problem. Go to a lawyer and or first call a women's support network and see which lawyer to call.

Best of luck and get your daughter out of that environment.

A father of two daughters

Answer 11

First thing meet a lawyer & get a divorce. You will be happy without his bickering. Find a small place for yourself & your little girl will have to stay at a day care until you get back from office...Run from this saddist!