After 16years of marriage and with 4 kids i'm finding it impossible to stop thinking of ways to sort out our differences. he changes his mind like corn in the breeze, but when we are together it's good. things are at an all time low, he's not seeing the kids (or paying), refusing to communicate and generally being a git. i don't want to carry on like this and thats when i start fantasizing about us getting it back together.
Will I ever stop thinking about it?
2006-11-15 21:19:37 · 11 answers · asked by trixiepipworth 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
the only way to stop feeling like you want to get back with him is to realise all the reasons you haven't worked in the past. Write a list of everything that split you up and then study it. Then ask your self if the only reason you want to get back with him is because it's better than being alone. Which in the long run it isn't.
2006-11-15 21:26:18 · answer #1 · answered by Heather 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You are confusing the fantasy husband you want with the the one you have got and who is not worth having. After 16 years it is natural to think you might get back together as it is better than coping on your own with 4 kids and being lonely. Focus on the fact that he is not seeing or paying for the kids which just shows what kind of a husband and father he is. Then equate this with a picture of what it would be like if he came back permenantly - the same as it was, and the reason why, you broke up in the first place. The fantasies of a reconciliation will go on as long as you want them to. Stop fantasising and think of all the bad things that were wrong in your relationship and why you broke up in the first place. Good luck and I hope life gets better for you soon.
2006-11-16 08:06:24 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I guess we are not much different. Only I'm still in that relationship 11years and 4 children. I haven't left because I want to exhaust all chances of things working out first. So that I don't have any regrets later. However, I've read that if we want to learn to get over someone that we could make a list of things we dislike about them and have it handy to add to it. Read it every so often, especially when you find yourself fantasizing again to remind you of why you left him in the first place. Since I am still in a bad relationship I'm trying just the opposite to try to look at the pros of the relationship to try to make things work. Why you ask? For the kids mainly, so that they can grow up with their daddy and someday the grand kids will open their gifts and find us (grandma and grandpa there together). I'm in love with that fantasy but not my husband. How about you? Are you too craving the fantasy? I don't know that the fantasies will ever end because you are right, wouldn't it have been nice if things had worked out. But if he is not seeing the kids and not paying and the such, keep adding these cons to your list and be glad you had the guts to leave when you did. I still don't know what I want or should do. I'll pray for both of us tonight. God bless!
2006-11-16 05:43:05 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I like the phrase "he changes his mind like corn in the breeze"! Good writing!
It sounds like you're not only lonely, but that life is harder now because he's not around and he's not paying his share. So it's a double whammy: you miss the companionship, and you also miss what was probably an easier way of life. It's natural to want to bring back the good times. Just remember all the reasons you broke up in the first place and you won't be as tempted to think of reconciliation.
It doesn't seem like reconciliation is in the breeze, anyway. If he's not supporting his own kids or even seeing them, that speaks volumes about what kind of a person he is: selfish and self-absorbed. What kind of a man is that?? Not one you really want to be with.
It does take time to recover and move on. Try using your extra time to take up some activities you enjoy, They will help satisfy you and help you forget him.
2006-11-16 07:24:11 · answer #4 · answered by AnOrdinaryGuy 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hopefully. It's time to move on. Obviously if after 16 years he still doesn't know what he wants then he isn't worth your time. It's sad to see a relationship that had lasted that long go down in flames but under the circumstances it may be better off. He is the one that is losing a great wife and mother. Just the fact that you are here asking this question is enough to show how devoted you must have been to him. It his loss not yours. Move on, get back out on the town and live it up. It wont take long to realize how fun being single can be.
2006-11-16 05:25:47 · answer #5 · answered by April C 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I totally understand what you are going through. Been there still going through it. I can't say how long you will be having these fantasies. After a total of four years apart, I still have them.But what i can tell you is that as each day goes by it will get better. And once you realize that maybe it wasn't meant to be, and start to move on with your life, you will notice that you won't do it as much. Take it from me it will get better as time goes on. And remember to pray and ask God for strength to help you through this. And everything will work out in the end. Best of luck to you.
2006-11-16 05:33:52 · answer #6 · answered by gurly 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is a tough one, but I just went through it with a man that was completely wrong for me and completely bad for me so here is what I did, I hope it helps.
As I would get one of those but I want him back fantasies I would stop myself and say why? What could possibly come of this that is not more of the same? Don't I deserve more? Would I be happier in another relationship? Would I be happier without him than I am with him.
In the end, I am so much happier without him than I ever was with him. I was just so focused on how good it felt to have someone to share my thoughts, feelings and even fun with that I was sure it would be worse without them. It's not
Good luck hun, I really hope this helps. I have been in your situ and it is an awful place to be. *huggs*
2006-11-16 05:28:16 · answer #7 · answered by Star 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Match your "fantasy" husband with the real ex and you realize they will never match up. Even in a good marriage this is true.
2006-11-16 05:23:32 · answer #8 · answered by xx_muggles_xx 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
well u need to compromise here for ur kids, try to give him a call, invite him for a dinner or movie , i guess dinner in his favouriate resturant wil,l do better, and then try to solve out ur differences.
Good Luck
2006-11-16 05:24:04 · answer #9 · answered by engr_ehsen 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
You may and you may not stop.You won't stop thinking if you don't give up trying to change things, but once you stop thinking about how to change things then you have given up.So please don't stop thinking and don't give up if it's possible for you.
2006-11-16 05:28:23 · answer #10 · answered by shiva 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋