Grieving the loss of an ideal marriage with children. Many lies, pornography, tobacco, a 6 mos weekend warrior bout, he almost left us once 3 yrs ago Now in marriage counseling. Just confessed has been secretly gambling for 3 years, has cheated 3 times, all one-night stands, once before our wedding, none in last 7 years and lied about where we could live for 10 years even though I wanted to be near my family. The list goes on. I'm an educated woman, not stupid but he is a very good liar. He is getting help and we are getting help but I never imagined my life would be like this. Don't know what future holds.
Grief 2: I got over my one true love when I met my husband. However, his memory has come back now. I've contacted him despite my better sense. I got some answers I needed: he did love me and he felt it would have worked had we been able to stay together then. Now, he too is married and with children. I pray that he is happy and makes a good spouse.
I need comfort!
2006-11-15 21:13:36 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I want to make clear that I did completely fall in love with my husband when I met him and was sure was over my one significant love before I married. However, ever since my husband decided to leave us 3 yrs ago because he "just wanted to be single" I have begun to think about that other love again. I contacted him not to start something again but more out of curiosity. I hoped that he was happy. I think he is and spoke to him online and decided not to talk to him again out of respect. This was very hard to do but the right thing to do. That's why I say I'm grieving the love of that other ideal as well too. No, I would never think of wrecking someones marriage. Not to mention I'm a woman of faith and so is that ex-boyfriend. As for my husband I'm trying to make it work. I think I'll need time. I do wan to hear what others would do. Can you understand that it is hard to be in this situation especially having known that I was once loved well and in the most pure way?
2006-11-16 08:00:18 · update #1
While your husband has acted VERY badly, i think you should take comfort in the fact that he's told you the truth. If he has not cheated in the last 7 years, and yet he told you, then perhaps he realises that his old habits were wrong. He is trying, because he loves you.
This doesn't mean that you have to stay. Your life remains your own, you have choices. If you choose to stay, then you have to try and forgive him, for many things, not least for not being the man you wished him to be... and this may not be his fault, or yours. Sometimes ideals are hard to live up to. You have to forgive yourself for being fooled by his lies, as much as you have to forgive him for telling them.
The fact is, while he is not the same man you believed, he is not totally different either. While the lies cast a bad light on a lot of things that happened, chances are that most of the happy times still stand. Don't mistrust ALL the good because of some bad.
The thing about marriage is that it's a compromise. That goes from both sides. If you feel like you've had enough, that you can't forgive any more, then end the marriage. But if you can find it in your heart to sincerely forgive him, it may be that you emerge even stronger in your relationship than in your years of deceit and self-deceit.
With regards to your old flame... let him go. If you were meant to be together, you would have been. And who is the "one true love" in your life? This man with whom it didn't work out, or the man you've had children with, who you've lived with, who you've built a life with, however complicated? I feel like you're idealising the past, you're idealising the possible present.
Get real. Don't just blame your husband, cherish him for who he is. You don't HAVE to be married to him, remember you chose him for a reason. He's got problems. You probably do to. Either you can grow together from this point of crisis, or you can't. But whatever you do, don't just go on dissatisfied, betrayed and blaming. That's not a good environment for either of you or your kids.
Marriage isn't supposed to be easy. I find it goes in waves. And the time after the crisis is often the sweetest. Do you have it in you to go on? Good for you. Are you tired of it all? Good for you.
It's your life, you're educated, you're not stupid, you can do better, whether that's staying or going.
Just please please please don't stay only to resent. Stay to try anew, or let it go. It's better for everyone.
2006-11-15 21:47:31 · answer #1 · answered by Greta B 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Same thing recently happened with my sister. Worthless scumbag cheating when he's got 5 kids, drained the bank account, the list goes on. What I'm getting at is that you are not alone. Reaching out to your last lover is natural, but don't try to make too much of it. I'm sure he feels terrible for you (as I do), and his current wife is probably a little threatened by you coming back into his life. As for your husband, I hope you aren't thinking for a second of staying with him. Times might be tough, but the sooner you get on with life, the better. Be strong.
2006-11-15 21:44:49 · answer #2 · answered by ? 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
no marriage is ideal, have u asked yourself if you can forgive him and go on with your lives, the future can only hold what you make of it, do what you both can do, it sounds like he at least wants a chance. Don't look back on his mistakes that's never a good thing or your old boyfriend.
2006-11-16 00:00:08 · answer #3 · answered by TC 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If your "One True Love" was not your husband than you need to divorce him. He might have done all those things because he knew that you did not love him the way you loved the other guy. You are not being fair to him or yourself. Just stop this relationship now and move on
2006-11-15 22:27:29 · answer #4 · answered by kelsey 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i think its time for you to move on and go and find true happiness, you are wasting your life away putting up with his vices, he has done to many things to you in my book to be worthy of forgiveness, noone know's what the future holds but you can sure help get rid of what you dont want it to be, move on sweete find a better life out their for yourself, as for your one true love, if he is in a happy relationship let it go, you will find happiness you just have to make a stand and stick to it.
2006-11-15 21:56:28 · answer #5 · answered by pebblesandkara 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well my grandma used to tell us "You can watch a thief,but you can never trust a liar"Don't even contemplate,reviving an old love affair.Tf you must find anew life.Make it with a new beginning.Don't destroy another marriage.It won't save yours.There is no honor in deceit
2006-11-15 21:55:17 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
good luck!!!
i hope divorse is legal in your country....
2006-11-15 21:24:20 · answer #7 · answered by bugi 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋