is anal sex a form of abuse?

Question

i was molested 2 when i was a child up until my teenage years and I can never feel better about myself, my soul has been destroyed. i am now 23 years old. d abuse went on 4 so long that i can't even remember when it started, i must have been 5 or 4. i wasn't raped, but my brother came 2 my bed naked and touched my private parts. :( i think this is same thing as being raped, u still feel very abused and used :( when i was younger, i didn't talk to any1 about this, only my mom knew this was happening to me, and she used to stay up at nit 2 protect me and she got beaten by my brother bcoz of this. :( my life is ruined and i've wanted to commit suicide many times, but everytime something inside me stopped me from doing that - i didn't want to hurt my family and especially my mom. i don't trust men bcoz even my dad was angry and violent person (although he never abused me), he hit me and threatened me 2 take out my brains :(. I haven’t been able to be a normal person bcoz of my past, I find it hard to socialise and I have few friends. When i was in holiday i met a wonderful guy who impressed me with his kindness and friendliness and he is my boyfriend now and i luv him sincerely. he is the reason that i'm still clinging to life, he is the only person (except my mom) that I trust. We made luv and I felt only luv and not abuse when making luv with him bcoz at 1st he was very gentle and told me that we can stop whenever I want to stop if I feel uncomfortable. But after a few weeks of being with him, one morning while we were in bed together, he did anal sex but this without asking me b4 if I accept him doing this, and that made me sad and depressed bcoz I felt used . I would like to know – is anal sex acceptable in a relationship or a form of abuse? I feel abused when my boyfriend does that bcoz it brings back horrible memories of my brother touching me there. Thank u

Answer 1

Basically I think the question is one of consent. Any consensual practice between two adults is not abuse.

The problem that you have is that you feel your boyfriend did something that you weren't comfortable without establishing consent first. I feel for you both... chances are he didn't realise this would be such an issue with you, or he felt that you would ask him to stop if you didn't like it. I don't think he broke trust with you, but you feel as if he did. Perhaps this is because of your history of abuse... because the choice was taken from you in the past, you feel that you can't say no, even to someone you love and trust.

Believe me, your boyfriend will be very sad too. I think you should tell him what you're feeling, and why. It doesn't matter what any stranger tells you about what's acceptable or not, or even what your bf tells you is acceptable. If it doesn't feel acceptable to you, you shouldn't do it. I think your bf sounds nice... I'm sure if he realised that it was hurtful and unpleasant for you he would have desisted. If he wouldn't have, he's not a nice guy and did not deserve you.

I think that you should talk to him... I also think you should look at getting some counselling. Even though penetration did not occur between you and your brother, he sexually abused and raped you. I think you're incredibly brave to be living through this, but you could use some help, I think. Your father also sounds abusive, and I think that the fact that your mother didn't help you out of this environment, whatever her reasons, has aggravated the sense that you have no control over your life or your body. Talk through the issues with someone neutral. I know it's embarrassing, and may even feel shaming, but this is NOT your fault.

Tell your boyfriend, if he is worth your time, he will understand. You trust him for a reason, and your right to control over your body and what happens to it is A BASIC HUMAN RIGHT. It's not something you have to ask for. He knows that.

You are very brave... stand strong, and keep living.
I firmly believe you can get through this, you've already come so far, and you have my respect.

Answer 2

Anal Sex Abuse

Answer 3

I haven't been abused but I can tell you I don't like being touched there either. I guess we intuitively find it unnatural. No, anal sex by definition is not abuse. However, when someone does something to you that you do not want done to you and you have voiced you don't want it done then it is abuse. The exception is when you are a child. When you were a child you didn't know what was going on and let alone that you could say no or run or seek help and so you did not learn to say no to your brother. But now that you are an adult I hope you can learn to say no to your boyfriend when you don't like something. Whether we are talking about your anus or your toes. If you don't like him kissing your toes tell him, if you don't like him touching your anus tell him. Many couples do not have this kind of sex because it hurts, it is dirty (fecal mater is involved) if he is not understanding then I'd have to tell you he is not the right man for you. By the way, you may not be open to that act now but who knows you might be open to it later, a few years from now. As for me, I'll pass.

Answer 4

first things first...
find a nice psychologist to talk to about your past. the past happened and you have to find a way to get over it on your own instead of depending on your boyfriend.
anal sex is abuse when you dont want it to happen. Open your mouth and explain to him that the specific action makes you uncomfortable and does not give you pleasure. no man in their right mind would continue to do it with you. Many couples have anal sex in and out of relationships but that does not mean that you would have to do it.
if your boyfriend does not understand that get out of this relationship now.
i also hope you have no ties with your brother and father anymore. my hopes are that your brother is now in some jail at a distant corer of the world, with at least two or more big, hairy , unwashed men visiting him every night.

good luck with everything

Answer 5

He should not do that to you without your consent. anything that leaves a psychological scar is abuse. You should be talking to a counselor. Is there a mental health clinic that you could go to? You really need to talk to sympathetic people. It sounds like you may be able to take comfort in this new relationship, but maybe not.... and if it turns out bad, you may feel even worse than before, so get some outside advice now! good luck to you.

Answer 6

Wow!!! I wouldn't call it abuse, but I wouldn't tolerate it either. If your uncomfortable then you need to express that to him. Communicate to him that this is unexceptable, and that anal sex is out. He has to respect your needs that is the whole point of a relationship. My fear is though that this is something that is beyond you, and that there is more to this story than your letting on. Honey you are in serious need of professional guideance, and there are so many avenues available now. From 1-800 numbers, to walk in clincs, and even libraries offer assitance (by way of information, help pamphlets, etc) now to people in your position. Sounds like you need something more than yahoo answers, and I would use the internet. Find something in your area condusive to your needs, and go for it.

Answer 7

We have a similar history, let me give you a little biology lesson 1. The anal canal is only 2 cells thick and not elastic once you stretch it it dosen't snap back it grows larger and causes you to not be able to hold your poop in and you have to wear a depends sooner than you would expect plus the penis can rupture the wall and cause the poop to go into your abdomen causing all sorts of infections not to mention just ripping it. 2. The vaginal wall is 23 cells thick and is elastic and made for intercourse. there is a spot two inches up on the roof of the vagina that mirrors the clitoris in reaching orgasm.

Answer 8

Lady I m sorry to hear all this. You know if you don't overcome your past you are going to ruin your future,now since you have a good and loving boy friend you should think of your future instead of cribbing about what has happened to you in past.
Now when it comes to anal sex,just ignore it dont even think of being used,its just a kind of fun which so many men enjoy,women oblige them this fun.....so cheer up and dont take it seriously...or just tell your boy friend that you are not very comfortable with this,if he really cares about you he will wont insist on doing it again....take care

Answer 9

You've got guts. Putting your life story out here for people to see requires that. I know your sense of self-worth is all tied up with your boyfriend, but you shouldn't feel afraid to tell your guy when he isn't being cool. And he isn't being cool. Be strong. You're inspire me, and no doubt others.

Answer 10

im not really sure.... but i think withthe trauma you have since you were young.. you need to consult a professional psychologist to overcome this.... this will haunt you to the rest of your life.... thank you for sharingyour story here. i know it is not easyfor you especially many peoplewho would read your story are unknown to you... it takes a lot of courage..... my advise is: go to a professional and seek help as early as you can..... i am a counselor too but i think we're living farfrom one another.... i can help you ifyou want to....