why does he want to leave.?

Question

my husband of 15yrs,had a affair with a 18yr old he is 38 with 4 kids,he told me he loves me but not in love with me when it happened.but wanted to stay so we could work it out,yesterday nearly 12months on i find out he is still seeing her,he says they are just friends nothing has happened,now he does want to go,and leave me with 4 small children,part of me belives she is dragging him away,i really do still love him or am i just scared of being alone.what hope does he have with her.

Answer 1

Well firstly, I dont believe anyone can drag anyone away unless they want to go. He has a mind of his own and while this woman (well shes more of a girl than a woman) may attract him, he can still make choices. She is only 18, she has a lot of growing up to do. She really wouldnt know a lot about love because she is just starting out on her life's journey.

If you want my honest opinion, I cant see it lasting with this girl. He has 4 children and they wont go away. He has responsibilities and I think it will only be time before she will tire of it all and want to be an 18 year old, going out with boyfriends and having a good time.

I think you have every reason to be scared about being on your own. Four children is a big responsibility and to raise them on your own is a huge task. That doesnt mean it cant be done, it just makes it harder. Let me ask you this though. If the girl tires of your husband and he decides to stay in the marriage, how would you feel? Everytime he went out you would be wondering who he was with. Everytime he was home with you, you would be wondering if he was with you out of responsibility or love.

How do you think it would affect your confidence? I know if it was me, I would prefer to go it alone than have a man who I couldnt trust. It is heartbreaking to find the man you love is in love with someone else.

I dont think the question is will it last between your husband and this young girl, I think the real question you should be asking is, could you live with yourself happily, knowing he was in love with someone else. You would never know if he was thinking about her. He could even be imagining it is her, not you he is making love to. You would be forever wondering.

If your marriage has any chance of making it, he needs to get rid of her totally. But how would you really know? He was seeing her secretly when you thought it was over with them, so seriously, you wouldnt feel too wonderful about yourself.

Marriages break down all the time, it hurts like hell and you never think you will get over it. Believe me you do. When my marriage split I was absolutely devestated. I never thought I could ever love any man ever again. I was still totally in love with him when we separated and even when we divorced I was still in love with him. I had 3 young children at the time too, so it wasnt easy.

Time was my only friend. It is not a cliche. It has been 10 years since our divorce and I no longer love him, I dont hate him either, as a matter of fact I dont feel anything for him at all. I did, however, go through a lot of ups and downs and the only thing that really saved my sanity was myself. It was only when I said to myself, enough is enough did things start to change. I started to see myself as an important person. I started to do things that made me feel competent and confident. I got a job, I did a course...well several courses. I pampered myself, lost some weight and was really liking what was staring back at me in the mirror. I started to hang around with positive people...people who were always ready to build me up, not bring me down. You are in the early stages yet, but believe me...there is a light at the end of the tunnel. You do have the strength to get through this, and for you and your kids sake, you need to take every ounze of pride you have and let your husband know you are not prepared to come second to anyone.

I really believe it will not last with this young girl, but lets hope by then you will have found enough strength and self confidence for when he comes begging for you to take him back that you will look at him and say...."You had your chance...you made your bed, now you have to lie in it". There is a perfect man for you out there somewhere...just waiting. It happens. You will not always love your husband this way. Time will make it get better and better until one day you will wonder how you could have ever loved him in the first place.

If you beg your husband to stay then it will be you who suffers in the long run because you would never know if he trully loved you or not and you would be forever wondering....its not a good way to live and you deserve much better than that. You have to place a lot of value on yourself and try to be strong and tell yourself every day that you deserve much better than you are getting.

I wish you all the very best. I am sorry you are hurting....I certainly know what that feels like.

Answer 2

Unfortunately you cannot make him do anything that he doesn't want to do so if he wants to go he will leave. You suspect he has cheated on you and you are not sure what you should do and you really love him. Well the best advice is to start thinking about how you can get yourself together because at this point your children need you. There is nothing more important than having the best possible attitude for your kids because they know when things aren't right. 15 years is a long time and I'd imagine that there are problems in your relationship that you have not mentioned. He basically has had an affair with a child (18 yr old) and that probably doesn't sit well with you and is lending to the insecurities that you have about yourself. Work on yourself and talk to someone about the way you feel. You may have to take the kids and get away from him or let him go to get yourself in order. Once trust has been violated it is hard to maintain a relationship. Counseling for yourself may give you some options and who knows maybe one day he comes to his senses and the two of you can seek help.

Take care of yourself and the kids and don't be afraid of being alone. Do what is right and everything else will take care of itself. That may not mean that your marriage will survive, I don't know, but by taken care of yourself you can generate the strength needed to deal with what is to come in the near future.

I pray things work out the way you want them too. But take care of yourself for your kids sake.

Answer 3

He wants something that you cannot be. Someone new, young, unbound. This is his fantasy that he is living out. I really hate to sound so rude. My ex husband, before I left him, was obsessed with this 18 year old, I found out the hard way. It is his selfish fantasy that he probably will never change. If it wasn't her, it would be someone else. Be strong sister, just know that you are wonderful. You are a mother. You have so much purpose. Don't let it slip away. Men, are just men. some are good, But most have insatiable carnal desires. Live for YOUR purpose. Pray for strength. Pray for courage. You will find it. You will realize how stupid he is being. You will realize your potential if you just focus on other things.

Answer 4

lol gho beat the little girl up! thats a little pediphic no offense. but you shoudl talk it out withim. maybe go to marriage counseling to work things out. but you are right what hope does he have with her. she is so young and will probably soon realize he's an old fart. too old for her anywyas and she will probably date someone her own age hopefully. remind him he has a loving wife with four great kids at home and doesnt deserve how shes being treated. im sorry that this is happening to you but i think you shoudl go see a marriage counselor if you both want to make things better.

good luck =) i hoe things work out for the best for you.

Answer 5

I think you deserve better than what he is giving you..Too me it sounds like he is having a mid life crisis.. Having an affair with an 18 yr old in which he would have nothing in common with except lust is ridiculous. Yeah it would be scary but you would not be alone you have your children and you have to put them first. you and your kids deserve better than someone that is going to back out of his responsibilities and go chasing a teenager.

Answer 6

there's no future between them.first of all she's to young and will soon get board with him.in my opinion honestly there's probly something keeping her around and most likley he's buying her stuff.she'll get tired of him once his old age ketches up with him or the material things stop.trust me.soon she will find some other man with more to offer.if she already hasn't those relationship with young females most of the time don't work out.i know people who have been in the same situation i've seen both sides and they always go back to the wife or the younger chick splits.he's probly with her to feel younger but soon reality will kick back in.

Answer 7

GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT! I was a single mother of 4 boys when my ex husband did that same thing. I was terrified to be alone... and I was terrified no one would ever want me again with all the kids. I was also feeling very unloved and very rejected and the more he wanted her... and she wanted him... the more I wanted him. I had sick thinking. What I did was also found someone else. That is much better then dealing with hurt! I am SOOOOOOOOO BETTER OFF NOW!

Answer 8

Hey, you have to think about those kids. Forget how you feel about him. He is not doing his part, and you need to devote all your heart to your children. He is devoting his "heart" elsewhere, and doesn't seem to think too much of you. So be strong. You have four children. Show them who you are. BE STRONG.

Answer 9

Hes probably in it for the sex. After a while he'll find someone newer and younger than the other woman.

Answer 10

don't believe him for a second. once a cheater always a cheater. Fight for him if you really want him. if unsure kick him to the curb where he belongs. He's a loser and you're better off