Can someone help me with the problem I am having with my soon to be in-laws?

Question

I have been dating my soon to be husband for 5 1/2 years we are getting married in 2008. He has a brother my age and they treat his brother like a god. His brother can't do no wrong. Well last year his brother and girlfiend got pregnant and then had a shotgun wedding. My soon to be in laws were extreamly excited to hear that they were going to be grandparents. Well ever sence then my boyfriend and I have been treated like crap. They have no respect for me and I am very hurt by this I have told my boyfriend and he has mentioned it to his family but nothing has changed. My family treats my boyfriend like he is one of the family and would do almost anything to help him in anyway possible, but his parents will hold down a conversation with one of our friends with me in the room and not say one word to me. I can't take it any more and I am close to telling my boyfriend that i don't want to talk to his parents at our wedding because they will just make me mad and i don't deserve that. HELP!

Answer 1

Ah, yes....the "golden boy" syndrome.

If, in fact, it's as bad as you describe it, I don't see anything changing. If you really love this guy - and, you'd better - get used to the heavily biased in laws.

You have to make nice at the wedding. Just suck it up and do it. However, after that you may have to make some rules to keep your sanity. You need to work that out BEFORE the wedding because your fiance has got to be with you 100%.

I see trouble on the horizon. Your husband may find himself caught between family loyalties and his commitment to you. If you have any doubts about his commitment to you, insist on pre-marital counseling. This is an issue that you will have to resolve or you will end up odd-man-out for the rest of your married life.

You have a lot of time and emotion invested in this. But, if I were you, I'd be prepared to walk. You are a strong willed person who knows what you want. Having a constant state of war with your in laws and a milk-toast husband is a recipe for disaster.

Answer 2

You don't say how your relationship with these people has been in the past. Have they LIKED you and treated you well and then suddenly you feel their treatment of you has changed. Have you thought about just being honest and talking to someone in the family - whoever you feel closest to - and asking why they are treating you in this manner. You could say that you are afraid that you have unintentionally done something to offend one of them because they don't seem as friendly as before, and you'd like to know if this is so so you can correct the situation and get along better. These people are your boyfriend's family. What does he say? Does he agree that they treat you badly? Maybe he should speak to them and find out why they feel this way about you.
There are lots of ways of making peace with inlaws - not talking to them at your wedding will not make peace, it will only distance them further. It would be good if you could find out what they have against you - sometimes people will tell you, sometimes they won't. If they won't tell you why they are treating you with less than a friendly way, then just ignore it and try to act very pleasant when you are around them. Their opinion of you may change for the better. You sound like you and your boyfriend are jealous of the way they treat his brother - maybe they just get along better - or after you are married and officially one of the family, especially if you have children, you may be receiving some of the same kinds of attention. Also remember, these people will be your children's grandparents (and other family). They deserve for you to treat them with respect and kindness. Continue to be friendly and not argumentative if possible. Your fiancee will appreciate your trying to get along with his family. If there is a problem, let them be the problem, not you. Then he will feel protective of you and will be more likely to defend you.
They may not ever be your favorite people to be around, but he will appreciate it if you give it a good try. (It is never good to make a man choose between you and his family - if someone is going to be in the wrong, don't let it be you!)

If this continues, and you see that your inlaws are not going to be your best friends, don't discourage him from seeing them as often as he wishes. He will catch on to the fact that you have his best interests at heart, and love you all the more for it.

Answer 3

I am wondering why you've been in this relationship so long and still not getting married for 2 more years? I am going to say this In-Law problems are horrible and if you are having them now, imagine what it will be like once you are married. Talk to your boyfriend again and have him talk to his family and if you cannot resolve the problems, you may want to reconsider wedding plans. I've been married for 15 years and the hard feelings and resentment only grow.

Answer 4

Wow. Okay. I can tell you from experience, this situation will probably remain the same. As long as the brother can do no wrong. My sister in law is "perfect". Nevermind that she really isn't. She's just as human as anyone else. But everytime I go to my in-laws, it's Jenny this Jenny that. And Jenny is a decent person. But they have her so far on this pedestal. But, maybe, with your situation, there might be some unresolved issues between your fiance and his folks. Don't take it too personally! I know that it is personal, but these folks of his aren't perfect either. Just try to be helpful whenever you can. Bite the bullet, so to speak. You just might have to earn their trust. Show them by your actions that you are wonderful and thoughtful. Don't be fake about it. But just step it up a bit. It might take awhile, but I know that it worked for me. My in-laws love me. But, it took alot of hard work on my part. But I know that Jenny still reigns!=) Oh well. I hope everything works out for you.

Answer 5

YOu take the inititive.. YOu need to invite them over "without" your boyfriend.. Have a dinner for them.. Take the mother in law to the movies, coffee/brunch, or just shopping.. Ask her (whether you want it or not) for her advice on house decorations.. (bite your tonque if her advice is stupid,, act all excited about it and thank her generously) bake for them.. even if they critisize your cooking. they inside will enjoy it.. You just need to be more pro active and hold your anguish in till you leave.. what is a couple of hours to endure to make it well in the long run.. ... the list is endless. tell her you just love the way she's done her hair, house, her choice in shoes.. You dont have to like it, but compliment something..

Answer 6

confident! His mom on our wedding ceremony day advised my superb chum and Maid of honor "nicely there is going my threat of Jeremy ever shifting in returned" and she or he additionally advised my father on the dinner that night that, "She hopes we don't have toddlers for 5 greater years with the aid of fact she is only too youthful to be a grandma" even with the undeniable fact that she is 50 and my dad is 40 two. My dad needs us to have a toddler. in any case, that's like his mom nevertheless has and umbilical cord linked to him and has to call every day and ascertain i'm feeding him and looking out after him. even with the undeniable fact that, his father and brother are happy to have me an element of the family members. And we've been mutually for over 2 years. as quickly as we advised them we've been shifting the date up his mom became into hysterical. She became into so mad at me. She began crying and yelling at us. luckily she has sort of grow to be slightly greater effective. it gets greater effective. only hang in there.

Answer 7

How about you don't?For one thing, your wedding will be the most important day of YOUR life and that is all that matters.Go for YOUR happiness and let all else fall how it do. Invite them,let them know about the rehearsal since I know they will probably be in it but don't ask or consider anything else.Make sure no one ruins your big day, have fun and plan it FOR YOU.

Answer 8

unfortunately they would still be your in-laws. but the good news is, you are not getting married to them. so it means you're not obligated to spend your whole life living with them. the best you can do is to make sure you live at a seperate house once you get married. to minimize the risk of them having more reason not to like you.

but you still have to do your part in reaching out to them. try to be always good in their eyes. do something to cheer them up like bringing some goodies when you visit. in short, butter up to them. just don't overdo that you lose sincerity in your actions.

my grandparents, aunts & uncles never liked my mom before. but she never gave up. she proved to them that they were wrong to judge her. she never hated them. (well atleast not openly ;-)). and now she is the most loved in-law they had. all their problems they come to her. even gossips they come to her.

just don't give up.

Answer 9

Words of wisdom..."IF YOU MARRY THE SON, YOU MARRY THE MOTHER"...IF YOU LIVE IN THE SAME TOWN....believe me i know from experience....i am in my 40's and if that is the way it is NOW.....WAIT UNTIL after you are married...i just hope they do not live close to you guys...they are NOT GOOD people...PREFERRING ONE SON OVER THE OTHER...that is criminal...and degrading to your soon to be husband...some people just make it harder to live...and they are one of those people... i am truly sorry to hear about that...it sickens me....why don't you just say next time..."HEY I AM IN THE ROOM, DOESN'T ANYONE WANT TO TALK TO ME,,,HELLO!!!"...AND JUST see their response...i would!!! atleast it would make me laugh!!!

Answer 10

You better resolve how he plans to deal with this situation NOW before you get married and then see if he does. Otherwise you are in for many years of hell.