I told my niece I couldn't let her come over anymore. She refuses to get help for her drug addiction and?

Question

5 months ago gave her kids to her mom (my sister). After several attempts to get her into rehab so she would stop shooting coke, I came to the decision I had to stop letting her into our lives. I have actually been having physical pain for the past 2 months because of the stress. I am not talking to my sister anymore about her because I am angry with the denial she has and the way she has handled her. I feel my niece doesn't even have to make excuses anymore because my sister does it for her. My question is, my sister is trying to make me feel guilty and I am wondering if I need to confront it. She says that she has an "unconditional love" for her daughter. I have 2 children, and I told my sister that I don't want my niece around them until she gets clean. She said "if that's how you feel, you have to do what you have to do" and she says it in a voice...I can't explain it. I'm running out of room here. Answer the best you can...and please be kind.

Answer 1

Corona you did the right thing. Your sister is enabling your neice and helping her to remain an addict by making excuses for her. Tough love is the only thing that will get her attention. You also have children to protect and they come first. Exposing them to it wont be good for them at all. I dong know how old your children are, if they are old enough to understand but if they see how your niece behaves and how she has wreaked havoc on everyones lives it is a good example to show them what drugs can do to a life and the people around them. However I wouldnt let her be around them,Im sure theyve already seen enough.
Dont let anyone make yyou feel guilty for doing the best thing for your kids and for your niece. Being nice to her isnt going to help her. she needs a rude awakening not soft talk.

Answer 2

It's your choice and right to not let your niece who's on drugs be around your children. You have to look out for your family. And if it means keeping her away from them-so be it. Don't let your sister make you feel guilty. Just don't speak to her. Say what you need to and leave it at that.
She's an enabler. She's making excuses for her daughter. Sooner or later, your niece is going to hit rock bottom. It's unfortunate that you sister doesn't know enough to put her in rehab. I guess some people have to lose everything before they get better. Let her deal with her daughter and you deal with your family. Don't let yourself get stressed out about what they are doing. It just isn't worth it. You aren't getting anything out of this!
And I owe you a HUGE apology from before when I answered your question. I said something about you not having any kids and I had no idea. I am sorry. Since you do have 2 of your own, you must know what it's like to try to keep your children away from others who aren't doing well. You don't want them around your niece shooting coke or anything else. Good luck with this.

Answer 3

You are so right! Your niece gave her children to her mom because of her drug habit? Well, she did something right! I was totally in the same mess. I lived it for years. I never did give my grand daughter back. She's 13 now, and my daughter still had one more. She has been off drugs for almost 2 years now, but it made my life hell. I loved her "unconditional" too. If I had it to do all over again, I would of been a whole lot harder on her. Instead, I let so much of my life go, for her. I say stick by your guns, because the niece IS NOT GOING TO STOP UNTIL SHE IS READY!!! And believe me, she doesn't care who or what she does to others to keep having the drug. BELIEVE ME!!!

Answer 4

Do not let anyone in your family make you feel guilt for making the right decision. You have to let it go and recognise that your own family come first. Your neice obviously hasnt hit the bottom yet and is not ready to try and get clean. Untill she has made an effort and suceeded to get clean you dont need the stress in your life. It is hard not to beat yourself up over things like this but take it from experience if you let your sister and niece put you down by making you feel guilt, you are just starting a cycle that is very hard to break. Be comfortable in the decision you have made and remember that your own children are what has to come first. If you are not happy or feeling stressed they suffer.

Answer 5

Your niece is not going to kick her habit until she hits bottom. Unfortunately, many addicts can't/won't face their situation because relatives try to help an unaddressable situation.

You're doing the right thing in telling the niece and your sister that the niece is not welcome around your kids. You care for them and want to protect them. To a similar extent, that's what your sister is doing for her daughter. The problem is that your sister may not realize that she's not doing her daughter any favors by helping her along.

You may have to tell your sister in no uncertain terms how you feel about the situation. I suspect that you still want to be on good terms with the niece if it wasn't for the addiction. Stick to your convictions.

One thing I would recommend is getting in touch with a Narcotics Anonymous group in your area. I think NA has a program similar to Al-Anon for spouses and other family members of people with addictions. They can help you decide what to do about the situation because they've all been there.

Answer 6

You are absolutely in the right to protect your family from drug abusers and enablers of them.
You've made a gooooood decision and you know you're right. Stand your ground and if your sister needs you to watch your niece's kids let her know that you will do that for her...so she can help get her daughter to the right facilities. That's as much as you can do given the attitude of your sister. Regardless if it's a close relative...would you hand your family to a less known person with the same problems and attitude? Draw the line on things you will and wont allow. Peace.

Answer 7

OH Corona, I'm so sorry addiction is a terrible thing it destroys lives and families as I know you are very aware. I understand you not wanting your children put in harms way be exposing them to a situation that is out of control. I know that it is because you want to protect them, you don't know what your niece may do are what someone she is hanging around with may do. At the same time the way you want to protect your children and love your children, thats how your sister feels about her children and grandchildren. I'm by no means saying that you should accept what your niece is doing, but your sister truly needs your support right now, she needs your unconditional love. I know you may not agree with your sisters way of handleing the situation, but some time agreeing isn't important, loveing and being there for them is. Your sister ( as much as you are tired of hearing it, and I know you are) needs to be able to talk to you. She needs to know when the chips are down you got her back. Be thankful, what if it was one of your kids, Its easy to say what we would do when we aren't the one haveing to do it. I know you love your sister, and I know you love your niece. I'm not saying let your niece in your home. I'm saying love them both inspite of where they fall short. It's going to hurt, but family is worth it. May God Bless your family, I pray that your niece well get the help she needs before its to late, and that your sister and her grandchildren our able to find some peace. My heart goes out to you all I know the pain of loveing an addict. May the Lord Bless you and strengthen you in your time of need.

Answer 8

It seems that we're all on the same page here. I've NEVER seen such insight in as many answers to a call for help.

First, don't feel guilty about the way you feel.

I was in a similar situation. It's called "TOUGH LOVE", and believe me, it's tough on everyone.

If you need to, seek out ALANON's drug counterpart (I think it's called ADANON for addicts).

What you will learn is that you have 3 basic choices:
1) Be miserable and live with it while you watvh someone die.
2) Beat your head against a wall trying to change someone who is in DEEP DENIAL (in this case you have 2 people in denial)
and...
3) Remove yourself from the situation - WASH YOUR HANDS of all of them.

Whatever you do - stick to your plan - don't waiver in the least.
and remember - you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped.

Good luck with this and Godspeed.

Answer 9

im not sure exactly what your question is, so im just going to write. you are completely right for not letting your neice over. she has a horrible (and possible deadly) habit that can affect your children if she were to come over. "She said "if that's how you feel, you have to do what you have to do"" implies that she is definately in denial. you need to comfront it and make her see what is happening to her child. she need to see where her life is going. does your sister want her daughter to see her next birthday? does she want to have to keep caring for her daughters children because she made the wrong decision to have sex while she was possibly high? try and make her see what is happening and tell her she needs to do something before its too late. i hope this helps. best of luck. ♥♥

Answer 10

stick to your guns. Toxic relationships are not healthy. You'll still be around when she gets her act together, but you need to understand that she may not be around regardless of your help.
You be right for you, and don't blame yourself if it doesn't work out for her. She must make her own decisions, even if they are wrong.
Hold your head up high and say "I did the best I could and that is absolutely all that is required of me"
Sweet Dreams