we have a healthy relationship otherwise, we both ae well educated andlive a comfortable life, he was really stressed and i told him i would make dinner, but i came home ate from med school and i fell asleep. he feels really bad, i'm pretty mad too.....maybe i should have hit him back....
2006-11-15 14:45:16 · 28 answers · asked by Jessica S 1 in Health ➔ Women's Health
I know the feeling. I went to nursing school and my children were lucking to get a home cooked meal. My youngest father bite the **** out of me one day. We were together for five years. I forgave him and that was that. Then one day he came at me again and before I was able to do any more damage I punched him so hard in the eye he could barely see. We split up after that. Then four years later he marries and I was talking to his wife. Without me saying anything she told me about how she has bite marks all over his body.
I would give him a second chance. You are just as stressed out as he is. He could have walked out the door and bought you guys some dinner. He should understand that when entering med school there is barely enough time for yourself. You eat, breath and sleep med, med terms, and everything else involved.
If he tries again I suggest giving it right back to him. It will surprise him and get him thinking that you don't allow that.
Good luck in school
2006-11-15 15:32:59 · answer #1 · answered by Staci R 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
No, you do not have a "healthy relationship" if one of you has been physically violent and the other is considering it.
First, and most obvious is that you both need counselling urgently. Not next week or month but immediately.
There are a lot of "should haves" like making a police report, because these things rarely happen only once, and you should have removed yourself innediately,. but you need to wake up to reality. Hitting an exhausted student for not cooking for you is selfish, immature and entirely unacceptable. Stressed or not, there is NO EXCUSE!!!
You should still file the police report and you really should live elsewhere or he should until a counsellor OK's living together. Your medical school should have counselling available and you should take advantage of it. Your advisor should also know you are having problems at home.
I know the feelings you have are mixed and conflicted, but you need to review and ponder them where you are safe. IQ and education are not predictive of domestic violence, so forget that excuse and rationalization. It did happen, and you cannot just pretend it was not significant.
Please don't become a statistic. Call a crisis line tonight if you can, but be safe and care for yourself.
2006-11-15 16:06:28 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
He hit you because dinner wasn't ready? If this is an isolated incident due to stress, and he apologized and feels bad, you can forgive him. No, dear, you shouldn't have hit him back. That could have made him really angry and he would have retaliated and you could have been really hurt.
I'm hoping this doesn't start a pattern of spousal abuse or domestic violence. If it happens again, consider it a danger sign. If a man strikes a woman without provocation; i.e., she's attacking him, or is being verbally abusive -- that still doesn't excuse him, but is understandable. However, if he hits for no reason, other than dinner isn't cooked, or the bed isn't made, or she's talking to her mother on the phone, then look out! That's the woman who ends up with teeth missing, bruises, black eyes, broken ribs, etc. I don't want to see you in that situation -- not ever! If it happens again, I would pick up and leave. Don't hit back. Leave and call the police. Get a restraining order, if necessary. It may mean the end of your "healthy relationship", but I feel no woman should have to take abuse from her husband. I'm not trying to scare you, but just to warn you to be on the lookout. I just have a real problem with a man who hits his wife because she fell asleep and didn't make dinner. What's with him? Is he a total misfit in the kitchen? Let him make his own f---ing dinner.
2006-11-15 15:02:45 · answer #3 · answered by gldjns 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
How did he hit you? Was this the first time?
It is possible it was a total fluke, but unless it is dealt with it is unlikely you will ever totally trust him again. If your relationship is healthy, it will stand some counseling. If it was a fluke he needs to understand how serious it was and how it can never happen again.
I know I have been angry enough to hit my wife. When this has happened I usually just leave the situation and give myself a time-out. It can happen to anyone. We just need to know when to remove ourselves from the situation and just go run around the block or punch a pillow.
If this has happened before, it will very likely happen again. It doesn't matter how well education and "comfortable" he is. If this was the first time, make it REALLY clear that if it EVER happens again the marriage is OVER. And if it does, follow through or you will be a punching bag the rest of your life.
2006-11-15 16:22:01 · answer #4 · answered by taotemu 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Get counseling and get it now. Education has nothing to do with abuse. Anger is NEVER an excuse for abuse. You are writing like you DESERVED it because you fell asleep? Is that what you think? Abusers always try to convince the abused person that it is THEIR fault. He most likely has issues in his childhood as do you, that have drawn you together. This issue can be solved but not without professional help. You would not take out your own gallbladder would you?
Once the line of abuse is crossed it gets easier and easier to cross it. I would tell him calmly, that you are very shocked at what happened, that no one has a right to hit you EVER for any reason, and that you would like for the two of you to get counseling. Call your local women's center or domestic abuse hotline and have a counselor lined up before you bring this up to him. 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
You are showing the classic signs of a codependent woman. We are the peacemakers, the self-sacrificing, the ones who say that if we only love him enough he will reach his potential. We make excuses, go back over and over again. adn still try to rescue him to turn him into what we are so sure he can be. We usually learn this from our moms.
There is hope for your relationship, but each time you make excuses there will be less hope, and each time the abuse will intensify. Please get help.
2006-11-15 14:54:47 · answer #5 · answered by Linda R 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
LEAVE HIM..... You are making excuses for him. He hit you over dinnner... What will he do next time he is mad about something else more important. Go to counseling together or leave him. Most abusers do feel bad afterwards... But by making excuses you are enabling him. Hitting him back will only escalate the violence. If your well educated then you should know this isn't something to take lightly. And there is no 'otherwise' healthy relationship, you can't rationally otherwise it at all.
2006-11-19 10:02:41 · answer #6 · answered by Wicked Good 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
the people who answered before are overreacting a little bit. this is the first time and it happened and heobviously feels really bad. Im only 14 but my parents arent at all abusive i mean they're very loving and supportive but one time my mom was stressed because she had been going back to school and she hit me but she felt bad and it hasnt happened since. You just need to try not to bring it up because that will help get over it faster knowing that both of yall drop it will help heal whatever tension was there while talking about it or recommending counceling might create more tension and anger for it to happen again. now im not saying its right because its not so if he does it again you need to leave im not saying forever but enough to make him feel sorry and know if he does it again you'll be gone for real.
2006-11-15 15:04:35 · answer #7 · answered by No Name 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Is this a one time thing? Sweety, if he's done it before, I would suggest high tailing it out of there. Repeat hitters will say and act like they are sorry, and they might even feel sorry for a moment, but they are just going to do it again.
If this is the very first time, sit down and talk to him calmly and insist that you guys see a therapist together for your relationship. or he go alone to learn how to control his anger better. If he refuses to even consider it, that is a sign that he's gonna do it again. But if he really considers it and even takes up on it, it means he is willing to work on it so that he can keep you.
As far as you hitting him, you did the right thing. You put yourself above a violent level and held your hand still.
Don't hold a grudge, but never forget this sweety. I lived with an abusive stepfather for 11 years. I never want to see another woman or child go through what my mom and I had to go through.
2006-11-15 14:55:24 · answer #8 · answered by Shel K 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
LEAVE, LEAVE, LEAVE.
There is no excuse for that kind of behavior! Even ifyou did tell him you would make dinner and didn't. So what? Big deal! Get some takeout, order pizza...whatever, but you don't hit someone because of it.
If he will hit you over something so trivial, he will likely find other reasons to hit you again.
Please, leave, and don't believe him when he says it will never happen again! He needs serious help and you need to save your own life.
2006-11-15 16:32:48 · answer #9 · answered by Carrie 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you didn't do anything wrong. it is all his fault for loosing control. stress doesn't make a difference & neither does education. rich, poor, smart, dumb, drunk, sober, white, black... it doesn't matter. abuse can happen to anyone. it doesn't descriminate.
you have 2 choices
go see a counselor ASAP & have him get anger management
(and i would suggest living separately for your safety until things are better)
or
leave him ASAP
staying & hoping it doesn't happen again is not an option because it WILL happen again. it is the same thing as cheating. if they see they can get away with it once, then they will do it again. it is only a matter of time.
so he feels bad... big freaking deal... that won't stop it from happening again.
2006-11-15 14:50:41 · answer #10 · answered by christy 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋