sexless marriage...how do I cope?

Question

sorry people this is gonna be a long one.
Ok, Im 21 and my husband is 26. He has diabedes and has had it since 11. He told me that before we got married. He never told me he had erectile problems because of the diabedes. well, ever since about a month after we got married, we rarely have sex. Rarely meaning maybe twice to three times a month , maybe. Here is my problem. My self esteem and self worth is dwindling downward. I dont feel atractive ( i know im an attractive woman) and i dont feel desirable to my husband . I somtimes spend whole days getting everything "perfect" to have sex. I start in the morning doing my hair, makeup, cleaning up the house making the bed, make the bedroom romantic etc...I have once again, tonight, been turned down by my husband and I feel like screaming. what should I do to make sure that i dont loose my self esteem because of his problem? he doesnt kiss me at all. How do I maitain my self esteem without going crazy witout sex??

Answer 1

If you really love him and want to be with him let him know this bothers you and that understand his problem but your still needing sex.Intercourse is only a tiny part of a sexual relationship so i would suggest that you have him learn some good oral sex techniques and explore other areas of intamacy.

Answer 2

I'm a lot younger than you, 23 to be exact, but my husband and I had a little thing like that recently. I went through a time where I had no sex drive and my husband got really frustrated and stopped trying... I got to where I wanted it again and when I would try he didn't want to anymore. So I was getting frustrated and I began feeling very lonely and I would cry about it often because I felt hurt because of it. One night he woke up and asked me why I was crying and I told him after him coaxing me for several minutes that it was a horrible feeling, feeling so lonely when you are laying right next to the person that you love so much. Since we talked we both tried to compromise with each other and our sex has gotten a lot better. So the best advice I can offer is talk to your husband and really let him know how much it's bothering you and how much it hurts to be neglected in that area. Hopefully he will understand and you can work on it together.

Answer 3

Oh my god, you know what? I've had this same issue. My husbad would do the same thing, he doesn't have erectile issues or anything, he was just shy and scared about his performance.
Perhaps your husband feels the same way.
Maybe he's scared that he's not satisfying you, is embarrassed about the erectile problems and therefore doesn't want to experience the shame.
Have you talked to him about how you feel? Maybe finding out whats going on in his head will help here.

How to not lose your selfesteem: you obviously know you are an attractive woman, and there are probably other things about you that he finds attractive (i.e. your personality, your sense of humor, your laugh, your smile, etc), there are obviously other things that you can do that make you uniquely you - remind yourself of these things when you start to feel down.
And always remember that you are a beautiful woman!!

Answer 4

First, try to understand that he has a real problem as well and that his self esteem is sufferign too. He is likely, too much man to really forhtright tell you that he feels less than a man himself and deep doen inside his inability to have an erection has pshchologial blocks that prevents him from being able to function. While it is said that his diabetes problem prevents him from having an erection, I have read that in some cases things like viagra or celebrex may help. I would start by telling him how much you enjoyed it when you did have sex. Then I would leave brochures regarding erectile disfunction in the bathroom or somewhere he will see them. Then I would consider asking him to go with him to discuss this issue with a doctor.
As to your self esteem, you have to reach down inside of yourself (and it will be hard) and convince yourself that the lack of sex in your life is not your fault, but it is a product of your husband's medical condition.

Answer 5

Alright, I'm gonna tell it to you straight. ONE sentence gave away to me that you deserve better than this. "he doesnt kiss me at all." That's complete bullcrap. I was starting to understand when you said diabetes gives him erectile problems, but when you said he doesn't even kiss you, that sounds to me like a more serious problem. You need to have a serious talk with him. A relationship NEEDS physical touch and warm kisses. Without this it can't be healthy. He is wrong for not kissing you. You have needs. Everyone needs to be wanted. We are born with it, and he is not making you feel wanted by not kissing you, that's for sure. You need to talk to him and tell him how you've been feeling lonely lately. Address the fact of the kissing. Ask him why he doesn't kiss you. Ask him if he's been feeling pain sexually. Communication is KEY to relationships. You need to figure out if he is denying you sexually because of diabetes issues, or because of something else. Tell him you need him to be open with his feelings in order for the relationship to work. Because if you each don't know what the other is feeling and thinking, it can't work for the two of you. And above all, your self-esteem can be controlled mostly by you. Only YOU create what you desire. And you can create the ability to be happy and love yourself. You are worth it and you deserve better, I promise! Also, watch the documentary, "The Secret". I promise it will change your way of thinking and make your life all the better.

Answer 6

This cannot be answered on a forum. You really need to talk to him it is not just affecting him, but both of you. If you are both adults than it has got to be brought out into the open. There may be medications that could help, and it sounds as if you could use counseling on learning how to communicate with one another.

Your life happiness is on the line and you do not want to spend the next 20-30 years in this situation. You will only grow to hate him and yourself, thereby destroying any love or feelings you have for him. It is not too late but remember it is a two way street. I know he has diabetes, I do to, but there are solutions if you both become a team and work at solving this together

Answer 7

I'm sure you're a very attractive woman, and I'm sure your husband loves you very much.

Unfortunately, he has diabetes, a disease that, among other things, afffects blood circulation - and, consequently, male sexual performance

Your husband should have told you that before you married him - but, unfortunately, you had to find out the hard way after you hooked up with him

In any case, there is help..

You should get your husband to go see a urologist (a doctor who specialized in the male genitals) and you should go with him

Explain to the doctor that your husband cannot perform sexually due to his diabetes, and ask the doctor if he can help you (medication usually helps - viagra, levitra, cialis ect)

You two should also see a marriage counselor, to help with the emotional issues you both are going through - you feel unattractive and rejected, and your husband probably feels like a failure as a man - you both need to do the emotional healing, as well as the physical treatments he needs

Answer 8

These days there are erectile dysfunction prescriptions like no body's business, so that's no excuse. You may wish to see a sex therapist and get him to see his doctor to enhance the romantic aspect of your relationship, or lack thereof.

His doctor can determine which prescription is best for him with consideration to his diabetes. If he loves you, it's not asking too much. ....and for God;'s sake, don't listen to "truwiccangal," or anyone else who has a "Lifetime for Women-He done her wrong" slant on your problem. If you go assuming that he's having an affair, you will both be fighting for sure. Talk to a professional counselor, if you can, as soon you can, but together. Good luck!

Answer 9

You knew he had the problem before you two married. Your self esteem and self worth is dwindling? Why don`t you think about how he feels for a change? Better yet, if you cannot stand how things are, do him a favor and leave. He knows you are disappointed in him as a husband. If you feel as if he doesn`t love you, why do you stay?

Answer 10

Erectile dysfunction is very treatable these days. I'm not trying to sound sarcastic, but are you the last people on the planet who have not heard of Viagra? He needs to see a Doctor, and what you need to do to put pressure on him to do so, is calmly, patiently, frequently, and incessantly explain that sex is an important part of marriage, as is caring about the needs and feelings of one's spouse. In other words, just because physically he feels like he could take it or leave it, does not justify his neglecting the sexual aspect of your marriage. If you can't nag him into the Doctor's office, you probably need some serious marriage counselling, because if you make your feelings clear to him and he still will not make any changes, he is not just disinterested in sex but also uncaring and selfish toward you in general.

Answer 11

There are many ways a couple can satisfy their sexual needs even if a husband has ED. If he doesn't kiss you, hold you, and show you that you're desirable to him, there's more wrong than the diabetes. He's got an emotional hang-up. If he's not willing to get help then I would suggest you take a good long look at how many years you are willing to be deprived of a loving relationship. You are too young to be in a loveless marriage.