I have been married for 11 years to a man I fell in love with in Jr High.?

Question

Since we have been married we have done nothing but grow deeper in debt. My credit rating was excellant before we married. I have paid his bills several times, thousands of dollars and now I am in debt too. Lately he has been writing bad checks, gets NSF notices every day mail comes. The phone rings constantly from creditors to him. I am a nervous wreck. Now tonight he has run away. I dont know where he is. This may be a good thing I dont know. I love him but I dont want any more lies from him.
Coments please.

I want to thank all of you for your great answers. In answer to some of you, he wouldnt talk about finances and if I did get an answer he would yawn while talking. I wonder what that meant? After the first year of marriage I had my name removed from all his accounts and his off mine.

Answer 1

Did your mother tell you to date around?

Answer 2

Do like I did with my wife when she was that way. If he comes back, take away all of his checks and credit cards, and give him an allowance. If he ever gets a job make sure that it is direct deposit. Tell him that as soon as he gets his act together you will loosen up on the $'s. My wife has done way better since then. She even handles the bills now since I'm am working 14 - 16 hours / day. I'm pretty sure he will come crawling back, especially once the money is gone. By the way if you are in joint accounts, cancel them right now! All of them. Start all over with a new account. Call all of the people you owe and set up a payment plan. If you let them hang you'll just end up in court and you do not want to go there! Going bankrupt sucks too. It will follow you way longer than the backyard lawyers will tell you!

Answer 3

Love isn't enough, and it doesn't pay the bills. Part of showing someone you love them is being responsible and being able to take care of those resposibilites most of the time. Sure, sometimes we all fall and need a hand once or twice, but as adults we need to be self reliant and find our way.

Sit down and get everything on paper. Get help from a financial consultant and map a way out. There are plenty of people who do this for a living... it may take 5 or more years, but you can't keep living like that with no end in sight.

If there is no resolution and he is not able to climb out of this hole with you, then perhaps do it on your own and think about splitting up. I am normally a proponent of keeping families together, but I was married and chased the bills for 14 years with someone who never wanted to help find a solution. At some point, you have to save yourself.

Good luck.

Answer 4

I'm kinda of in the same boat you are! You know ya love him and he loves you! You guys are married you need to sit down down together and figure out your money situation! You could either go try finding him or wait till he comes home! Hearing lies get old and eventually you do get fed up with that! But if you really love him give him one more chance and together you guys might be able to pull through the hard times! And even if you both have had enough with another and are done as being a couple then you both need to still figure out what to do with your bills! Hopes this helps

Answer 5

Your financial situation in reality is probably 10 times worse than you even realize right now, I'm sorry to say.

You need to get some legal advice as to your options here. If he's written a pile of bad checks, and your name is on the account, they may come after you; if he's written a certain amount over a certain amount of time, he's facing serious jail time, and while they may not try to arrest you, you are almost certainly going to be held liable for his bad money management.

You should file for some sort of separation at least at this time; he's apparantly in it deep, and if he's going to turn things around, they may have to get even worse before they get better. Besides, you've got some work ahead of you just figuring out your financial situation, and that may be done better in a non-emotional setting, i.e. no contact with him except legally.

Answer 6

This was the straw that broke the camels back with me.

Our marriage was very strained, 2 kids and we were very young.

We decided on a separation and she went on a spending spree. I got bills from all over the state and a letter congratulating me on "our" new car purchase.

I ran to the county building and filled for divorce, and was only responsible for about 1,500 of tens of thousands of dollars of debts, but this was 20 years ago and the laws have changed, if your name is on the same account (checking etc.) then you are responsible as well, and you will pay all if he is a dead beat and runs from his bills and you are a stand up woman.

I was lucky, I got custody of the babies and she got the bills.



This is serious. Id talk to a lawyer, pronto.

Answer 7

Quite a problem u have here, but it can be re-
solved. Find ur hubby and have a serious dis-
cussion about the the debts accumilated and
both of u need to go to a debt counselor to-
geather,; also talk to him about his lying to you
and how it makes u feel, U say u love him that
is why you should try and make it better for
your and his sake. If you do not get any re-
sponce from him especially after talking to him
directly then its time to seperate and see if he
will change, and if not then you should know
what the next step should be.

Answer 8

Get rid of him (if he comes back). Close your checking account tomorrow, and work with your bank tell them what is going on, so that you can get those NSF's under control...Consider this a huge blessing in disguise, it may not feel like it now, but it will some day soon. File divorce papers, get him out of there, and start working with a lawyer or someone who can help you regain your credit, pay off your bills and get yourself back on track.

Good Luck.

Answer 9

Unfortunately, his running away doesn't get you out of the bind that you're in. The debt is just as much community property as the house and the car -- even if he never shows up again, you're still liable. The good news is, you might be able to get out of the hole without him around to dig it deeper.

I suggest that you seek credit counseling with or without him. One thing I learned; pay off your smallest bill first. That way you can use the money that would otherwise go to that to help pay off the next smallest, and so on.

Answer 10

Get a credit consolidation. It will go down a little more your credit score, but in a long term you will build your credit back again. Go find a financial adviser to help the two of you. You both might have to get a few second jobs here and there to help pay faster the credit consolidation. After that, you can breathe again.
The ease way out, divorce.

Answer 11

My question is why is it that I never get a woman like you to be my wife? I would have been a millionaire today. You give and give and give and give. How do you do it? why have you stayed in such a situation for eleven years? Why could you not realize that you have a better choice? I just hoe that you will take courage and bear up until there come s a firm solution.