Married and ... dead. Help!?

Question

I was one of those late bloomers. Clumsy, zits, no athletic ability. I've had less girlfriends than I can count on one hand. One of those girlfriends who I met when I was 17, I ended up marrying. Today, though, I am not the same person. After braces, some corrective jaw surgery, an MBA, an understanding of nutrition, and an intense 5-day a week workout schedule, I'm what you might call a good catch. I'm not that shy teenager anymore. And I've learned to actually look at women and notice - some pretty attractive ones are checking me out.

The problem is that I love my wife - truly and deeply but flirting around is such a testosterone buzz!!! I asked this question earlier:

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=Am8hwmUFhy0diwdowZ64wNHsy6IX?qid=20061115170722AAzBXyr

and the consensus is I haven't cheated on my wife. Is there a happy medium? Can I still somehow experience the single man life (and boost my self esteem) or does marriage have to = testosterone death?

I've only ever had sex with my wife. Dated + Married over 16 years.

Answer 1

I can perfectly understand how you feel. Flirting can make you feel like a truly sexually desirable being. You just need to make sure you're being sensitive to the feelings of your wife.
I too am a major league flirt, and my husband's okay with it because I would never ever cross the line into the realm of cheating. I guess it's because I flirt only with guys that he's friends with, and they'd tell him if I crossed a line. He trusts me completely, and I him. Plus it adds a little spice to the bedroom due to all the sexual tension of the evening!
How does your wife feel about flirting? Does she do it too? Just make sure you're paying more attention to her than other women and things will be okay.

Answer 2

Marriage should not mean the Death of the Libido.

Here's my advice: You've re-invented yourself, now help your beloved wife to do the same!

I don't necessarily mean prod her into plastic surgery. I mean find something new and exciting that you can learn to do together. You've probably heard all the usual ones: take up a sport is a popular suggestion. But, I suspect that you would really like something totally original.

Clearly, you're a thinking man; imagine something that would seriously boost your wife's well-being, and that would appeal to her sense of play. Let HER be your project, and that will keep you out of trouble (heh!), and make your marriage even better.

Perhaps you two would like to build a perfect scale-model Victorian house; maybe a semi-annual road trip to write a log of great diners & restaurants on the road. Maybe you'd enjoy becoming part of one of the New Orleans "crewes" that build the astonishing Mardi Gras floats, or learn to walk on snowshoes in Vermont.

There are more things to do than you can imagine; I hope you and your wife can find just the very thing that puts that special glow back in her eyes. It's the best tonic for dreary routine that I know!

Good luck!

Answer 3

What's wrong with what you're already doing now? Seems to me that looking at women and having them look at you too is already quite a testosterone boost for you (like you described above). Isn't that good enough for you?

I don't recommend cyber flirting/dating like some people here have suggested because doing so has the potential to lead to something else. Also keep in mind that anything you feel you need to hide from your wife can be considered infidelity and if you value your marriage so much like you claim, then you should be careful with what you do to get this "testosterone boost" you're seeking.

There's certainly nothing wrong with wanting to be admired by the opposite sex. We all want to be admired, whether we're married or not. It's part of being human but there's certainly a fine line when you're already married and that line can be easily crossed so tread with caution.

Answer 4

How long were you married? You can go out to lunch with a woman if you are married. If you flirt you are OK. But once you have sex you crossed the line.
If you do cross the line don't come home and tell your wife because you want to be honest. If you wanted to be honest you would not cheat on her. Once you crossed that line you are not honest. It's like being a little bit pregnant. So if you do have sex don't waste your time telling her you will only serve to hurt her and ruin the marriage. Just don't get a STD and don't get caught. Either of those two will screw everything up.
Then again she took a chance on you when you were butt ugly and now she should be enjoying the benefits.
Maybe use that charged sexual tension on her.

Answer 5

I truly don't think marriage has to = testosterone death but finding a happy medium might be a little more dangerous than you'd like to think.
Flirting is natural. We all do it, I think it's healthy to flirt with someone because it makes us feel good about our selves.
As silly as it sounds though maybe you could try flirting with your wife. I'm sure she's noticed the big life changes you've made and how hard you've worked to make them. She more than anyone else is no doubt checking you out right now and loving what she sees.
Congratulations on conquering nutrition, fitness and confidence.
But be-careful when checking out other women and flirting around because as natural as it is, you sound like although you haven't cheated on your wife, the thought has entered your mind and experiencing the single man life now that your married actually to me seems impossible.
Take a good look at your wife. You've made all these changes in your life and grown into a sexy human being....
Maybe she has too!

Answer 6

I am glad you have done some self improvements that make you feel good about yourself, now what have you done to make your wife feel good about herself or your relationship.
The grass is never greener on the other side and you risk the trust, the caring and the love of someone who has been there for you, even in the less than handsome times. She has been your support and you want to risk that for physical acrobatics.
Maybe I am lame but I have been married 37 years and have never cheated on my wife, and I don't expect and award I feel that as she has been faithful to me has been the strength when all hell has busted loose.
No we are not jumping up and down on silk sheets and a water bed bumping the uglies, but life is a bit more than that, and I suggest you wake up and see the difference.
If she does not meet your expectations at least talk to her and try to make things better, if that does not work , than counseling. You don't just start screwing around because your now the big hunk.
The bottom line is you don't disrespect love and the person who has given themself to you for a life commitment

Answer 7

You feel good about yourself already. Other women are checking you out and that's an ego boost for sure. But if you truely deeply love your wife and don't want to destroy your family and send your kids spiralling into adulthood making the same mistakes you think about making because thier family fell apart when they needed it most, then stop thhinking about nailing everything that moves. There isn't a "piece of ***" out there that is worth it, and the women you could get into bed, knowing full well you are married, aren't the type you would want to have coffee with, let alone a relationship. Fantasy is fine, but leave it there. Wake up to the reality of a happy, loving family, and find a hobby.

Answer 8

dude i've always been hot and gotten attention for it, but i've never slept around and only been with 3 or 4 people my whole life. you can still be attractive, and have great self esteem AND be in a commited relationship (not be a whore) the thing is attractive people that sleep around do this because they have really low self esteem and think the only way they can get attention is by ******* people. sad huh? well, casual sex without feelings is empty and it gets old after a while, that's why i've never been into it. i'd rather get all the attention i want from one person, so i advise you to try to do the same. spice up your sex life with your wife dude. you can do this by making HER feel sexy too with compliments, the way you look at her, romantic gestures, gifts..stuff like that. by makin her feel sexy, beautiful and good about her self she will hopefully return the attention and it will keep your relationship young and hot! this is just my advice, of course you will do what you feel is important to you and what you want in your life. peace out


p.s. the grass always seems greener on the the other side. people that are single want what YOU have, a lover that's commited and wants to share their lifes with them, and people that are married wish they were single. happiness is learning to appreciate what you DO have, and not dwell on what you can't have.

Answer 9

Unfortunately, there is just no way to be married and still enjoy the single life (unless you are one of those lucky few who have a COMMUNICATED understanding with your wife that says otherwise), the two are just polar opposites.

It's unfortunate that you didn't get to experience the fun of dating and being young when you were young, and I can completely understand where you are coming from with enjoying attention from the opposite sex. With that said...in order to stay true to your marriage, you are probably going to have to just stop allowing the flirtations to happen...as harmless as they seem now, they can easily turn into a situation that you will regret later.

Unless your wife is one of those women who would be comfortable with exploring an open marriage (that means that you will have to be okay with allowing her to do the same thing), you're just going to have to decide which you want more, marriage or freedom.

Answer 10

When you get married you forfeit all "single man" rights. Even if your not cheating, things you do would probably hurt your wife. If you feel guilty about it then you are probably doing somethig wrong.

At the same time, people go through alot of changes between 17 and 25, in many different ways. You may need to re-evaluate your defniition of "love" and make sure it's not attachment, convenience, or you being dependent on her - emotionally, not financially.

It's completely natural to "look"; but if you're wishing you were single and could be with someone else the problem doens't lie within yourself... it's within your marriage.