sexless relationship?

Question

I love him completely, we have known each other since May 2003. His ex really f'''d up his life. We had a really good start to our relationship, I then became ill and he resigned from his business partnership... I am now in a good job and have bought my own place, he is now on the up in his consultancy... I want to have a warm and physical, relationship, but he has become scared of anything physical. He hates me being let down by this and has opened up on occasion. He seems to get his happines from committing to his new business enterprise, his winter activities and his girls, who I have to agree, are the best! He says I deserve better... I say WE deserve better. I understand the need for friendship, but for soo long I thought we had more, and physically for a while we did. I noticed when I used his computer the other day his history had over 300 hits to specific sites, this has left me feeling low in self confidence... He good at putting his head in the sand.. What do I do???

Answer 1

this is difficult..but it seems you are not getting out of a relationship what you deserve!you may love him and he may love you but you both need to work harder at it or you need to walk away!!this is not the way to spend your life!!i wish you well for whatever you decide to do..but be happy and follow your heart xx

Answer 2

If you want to talk about this you can email me.

What has happened is that he is emotionally drained, scared, disillusioned..... We don't ever think this about men as they are the ones that seem to do the hurting and the women are the 'sensitive' ones.
Don't dispair, but you have a long , confusing & sometime hurtful road ahead of you. You have already experienced some of it. You can't do anything to rush the situation. It will take time. He thought the brief time you were intimate would be all he needed, but found out that wasn't the case. He was wounded deeply.
You can bolt now or work on this together if you think he & the relationship are worth it.

Answer 3

Listen i had a very similar problem with my ex husband. You are banging your head against a brick wall here. I tried EVERYTHING to get him interested in me physically, and we did have sex occasionally, but i found that he had was well into porn and was probably addicted to that. He was masturbating regularly downstairs, while i was upstairs in bed, feeling unloved and unfulfilled. Our relationship limped on for many years but it was never going to work. I'm so glad i'm not with him now.

LISTEN to what he is saying. He says you deserve better. I think he is telling you what he wants you to know. He DOES have an interest in sex - you've found that out from the computer. But he doesnt want to or can't channel his sexual energy towards you. If i were you, i wouldnt keep trying. You say finding the sites has made you feel low in self confidence - i'm not surprised!!! 300 hits!

Let him have his pathetic online sexlife. He doesnt want a real woman, he wants easy release where he doesnt have to interact with anyone or attend to their needs. My advice is to leave him before you get lower and lower, and think the problem is you. Its not, its HIM.

Leaving will be painful, but you will get over it, like i did. Find a nice warm genuine guy who wants a proper adult relationship.

I really hope you can take this advice.

Answer 4

You didn't mention the nature of the sites he goes to. This could make a difference. If the sites were nasty sites... drop him fast.

If the sites were innocent just be there for him. Give him the space he needs. Right now he needs a friend more than he needs a sex partner. Sex partner's are dime a dozen, a sincere friend he can trust is not. Be there for him. Try to understand where he is at this point in his life and support him. You could be his anchor right now and it sounds like he needs one. The best relationships stem from friendship not sexual attraction.
Value your relationship, the rest will come. Trust me.

Answer 5

I don't think the relationship is going to work if there's an area that just isn't working at all between you two. It's the same deal with money, family, jobs...all kinds of things can cause trouble in a relationship.

If this is going to work, he'll have to at least get some help or take steps toward giving you what you need. If he says you deserve better...but he won't be the one to give it to you, you'll have to take it at face value. You can disagree on a ton of little things, but when it comes to something like this, you have to work things out or break things off.

Tell him what you need and see what he can do about giving it to you. If he can't or won't take care of your needs, you'll have to move on.

Answer 6

He is either not into you that way or there is a physical reason. Ask if he is having erectile issues and if he denies it, but still isn't into sex with you then I have to say he wants a safety net, a companion, a shoulder to cry on,etc. Can you live without the other, would you want to? Me personally, I have no interest in the other anymore. I guy like that would be fine by me. I take it you want more.

Answer 7

What value do you place on yourself? It sounds as though you have locked yourself out of some great opportunities to meet other people. This man just doesn't want to commit. He wasn't scared about anything. He still is not afraid of anything. He wants to be kind to you because he "likes" you very much. This is truly and sincerely the way he regards you and with respect I might add. You don't have to help formulate another person's thinking. There is no love chemistry between the two of you. You are very intelligent and know this already. You just don't want to accept it. YOU don't have to take any "garbage" from anyone especially this man. Nothing about him, his "ex" or his children is in any way more important than you. Decide how you want to play this out and do so. It is all up to you. Remember this, "If God be for us, who can be against us?" - Romans 8:31. Also be in tune with God as "God daily loadeth us with benefits, even the God of our salvation." Selah. - Psalm 68:19. Peace and God Bless.

Answer 8

I understand that finding out he's been looking at these sites must have hurt you but at least he isn't out sleeping with women, he's just imagining. Most people would say that's just as bad but you can't do anything about the thoughts he has, as long as he's not acting them out.

I've been having problems with my partner lately & the best thing I did was talk to him about my thoughts, I told him how I was considering ending the relationship as I just wasn't happy & now we have agreed to both put more effort in & see how that works, if it goes back to the way it was then we'll know it's not going to work out with us!

Answer 9

This is very confusing and I would advise you to ask him exactly what you want to know from him and if he doesn't give you an answer leave him alone and just be his friend until he gets himself together. Tell him exactly what you want from him and see if it is something he is willing to give to you. You want a relationship of love and passion if he doesn't want that there is nothing for you to do but look for what you want some place else. Good Luck!

Answer 10

Lets me get this, he doesn't want a physical relationship with you, you are on his computor checking what he is looking at and you are wondering why he has some trust issues? If you did that at my house, I'd throw your butt right out the front door on your tuckas. Being let down? Does this mean you all tried? His pieces didn't cooperate? WHAT? I hate this vague guess what I am talking about nonsense. If he ain't hitting it with you, and he is hitting it on the computor, and you are checking up on him, you got more problems than can be addressed in a few measley paragraphs!

Answer 11

One mistake that we all make, men & women, is to tell our lovers that we want sex. There's nothing new about that. Everyone wants sex.

What we need to do is to let our lovers know that 1) we love them, 2) we are happy to be at their side, 3) they make us proud, and 4) we want to have sex with *them* because we love *them* and desire *them*.

So, call him at work when you know he's about to come home and say, "I was just thinking about you and now I am all wet. What are you going to do about that?" Or, say it to him when he walks in the door.

Here's a fantasy that I wish I could have.

When he comes home, sit in his favorite chair. Bring him a beer or a glass of wine. Turn on some music, and say, "I'll be right back". Go to the bedroom, undress, and put on you robe. Turn down the bed. Go to the bathroom, draw a hot bath, light a few candles. Return to the den, stand in front him, and drop the robe. Sit in his lap facing and kiss him like he's going to Iraq tomorrow. While you're kissing him, remove his shirt and unbuckle his belt. Kneel in front of him and remove his shoes and socks. Then take his hand and pull in to his feet and remove his pants. Lead him to the bath. Climb in so that you face each other. Soak. Talk. Ask him to rub your feet. Let him shave your legs or more. Talk while he's doing it. When the water starts to cool, lead him to the bedroom. I'm sure you can take it from there. Think of some things that you two have never done (or rarely do) and do them.

I hope it all turns out well for you.