my husband of 3 years does not want to help me with domestic chores.We both are young professionals.?

Question

We have a new born child and i feel very overwhelmed,as we can not afford a nanny at the moment,we have discussed about this and each time he would promise to change his behaviour but nothing really changes.If i am too tired to cook he just buys take-away food for himself even though we agreed that our budget doesn't accommodate this on a daily basis since we eat out every weekend.What should i do?i feel like i am alone in this marriage and that unless i accept to be his slave cooking,picking up after him,cleaning,caring for our baby and bringing part of the bread home our marriage is headed for a divorce.He doesn't want to see a marriage counselor either.Please let me know what you would do if you were me.

Answer 1

I really feel for you. I am in a similar situation with my partner (we have a five year old). I have had to constantly remind him to do things (yes, like nagging), but explaining it to him in terms of how it effects me seems to have some impact, and he'll make a concious effort to do the dishes or hang some laundry. However, i still do the lion's share, that's for sure.

I feel for you because you are so overwhelmed with a new baby anyway, you need all the help and support you can get. It's not a viable option to just do your babies and your laundry, or cook yourself a meal because you would end up just feeling guilty (I know!).

Is it possible for you to stay at a relatives house for a week or so? I often find absences like this make them realise just how lucky they have things at home. Once the chaos of dirty dishes, no food, no toilet paper hits home - it may make him see some sense?

I wish I could suggest more for you. I really empathise.

Answer 2

While you can't stop caring for your newborn, you can go on strike where everything else is concerned. Make a list of the things he promised to help with and put it where he can see it. Tell him upfront that if he continues not to help, you'll go on strike. I've read a lot of women doing this (and I have in the past as well). When there are no more dishes, the garbage is overflowing and he can't do the things he's used to because of the mess, a lot of guys will finally pick up the tab. Sometimes talking doesn't motivate the boys...sometimes you need to create a crisis...that seems to speak loudly enough to motivate them.

Answer 3

I had the same problem. I stopped doing stuff for him. Don't do his laundry. Don't clean his dishes. Don't make his side of the bed when you change the sheets. Don't pay his bills.
How is he with the baby? My son couldn't care less if his father is around, and that really strikes a cord with my husband.
In terms of counselling, tell him that you need it. Play on his guilt and tell him you are having a difficult time coping and you need help and it would be nice if he came with you and gave his opinions to the therapist.
Good Luck

Answer 4

If he's not willing to go to a counselor, perhaps he'd spend some time with you to review some Bible principles that apply to your situation. The Bible itself says that it is "alive and exerts power and is sharper than any two-edged sword and...is able to discern thoughts and intentions of the heart." (Hebrews 4:12)

I've personally witnessed huge transformations in people who willingly take in the knowledge of God.

There's a book called The Secret to Family Happiness that deals with subjects like this one. I'd love to give one to you as a gift. I hate to hear of people experiencing turmoil! I hope you reach a compromise.

In the meantime, as a mother of a two-year-old in a youthful marriage myself (we've been married for 3 1/2 years), I can relate to the struggle of adjusting to life with a newborn. If you can endure the first 5-6 months, you'll find it gets easier and you'll slowly, bit by bit, find you can breathe easier as time goes on.

I wish you well!

Answer 5

Some men just will not help out around the house. It is not really worth giving up on your marriage. Just tell him you are going to hire a housekeeper and spend that extra money by doing so...it will be one less argument to have to go through. thats what we do , you figure @ $10.00 an hour , it takes maybe 3 hours to clean your home. $30.00 and one solved problem honey.

Answer 6

If I were you, I would make a list of the chores and cut it in half and give him the choice as to which half he will be responsible for and if he follows up with it, you will forgrt about seeing a counselor. Also, you can see a counselor on your own, that may help if nothing else does
Good luck I am sure you are frustrated:(

Answer 7

I have no advice for you. I am in the same situation however both of my children are now in college. I know how you feel and what you are saying. I feel for you. I did it for 22 years and am still tired. I just sucked it up and did what I had to do. Lost a lot of sleep, and alot of respect for him. Good luck. Wish I had some advice, but I tried alot of different things but they didnt work on my hubby. Maybe just keep pushing him to help out.

Answer 8

Well your baby needs you. Take care of your needs and your baby's needs. Tell your husband that he can take care of himself. Laundry, cooking and anything else he needs. go to counciling alone. Tell him you are going. Tell him that you can only do so much and since he does not want to help out you are going to only take care of yourself and the baby. Don't hire anyone, nanny or housekeeper. Or one of you has to quit working and take care of everything.

Answer 9

I say just let everything go and take care of yourself and the baby. If you're tired sleep. If you're hungry fix your own food. Let your husband see he has to do something or he can sit in the mess.

Answer 10

So you married a lameassed jerk! Too bad for you! Tell him to get with the program or else he's history..and stick to it! Marriage is not a 50/50 deal..it's 100/100 deal..........