My parents might get a divorce. How do I deal?

Question

I AM IN A CRISIS SITUATION. My mom is cheating on my dad, and I know this because they woke me up one night at midnight, and they were screaming at each other. I was in my room while this was happening. Then I heard fists land and my mom was hitting my dad because he wouldn't let her leave. Then my dad started yelling again, and he hit her back, about 10 more times that she hit him. I started crying right then, and I tried to stay quiet, and thankfully, they didn't hear. My mom left walking and my dad got a phone call from my aunt, and he told her what had happened. Then both of my aunt's (mom's sisters) came over and went to look for her.
Last night, the cops were here because my mom got a scary phone call. They (my dad and a cop) were talking and my dad said that they were having problems. The cop asked what kind, and my dad answered that my mom was cheating. Then the cop asked if they were getting a divorce, and he said they might. I cried the rest of the night and told my friends

the next day at school. They felt sorry for me, and I cried again before class. I am worried about if they do, one might move, and I might have to move him him/her and leave behind all of my friends. I am so scared. I have no idea what to do. I am going to write a poem about this.
Anyway, what should I do? Oh, and by the way, my parents have no idea that my 11-year-old brother and I know. I'm not sure if I should tell them. Please try to answer all the questions included in here. Any answers would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

Answer 1

Honey, my best suggestion for you is to see if you can talk to one of your school counselors. If they don't seem to help, then see if you can talk to your Pastor or Priest. If you don't go to Church, see if you have a friend at school who seems very nice and attends a Church. Ask her if you can go to Church with her and see if they have a youth pastor who can talk to you.

Right now, you need people to help keep you emotionally stable while your parents try and deal with their problems. Please always remember in your heart that they BOTH love you, and that it is NOT ABOUT YOU. And, don't take the comments that they sling back and forth toward each other as fact. It's quite possible that your mom is NOT cheating; it's just that your Dad is very upset and overwrought over this. We say things to each other that sting like a bee, that we don't really really mean.

It's a natural reflex to strike out against someone when we are in pain, and it usually starts with harsh words. Then, sometimes (as you noticed), it can become physical. Physical can do permanent damage and your parents both need a break from each other (NOT YOU) so that it doesn't continue to escillate any further.

You need to do something you have never done before - see your parents as imperfect and needing to finish growing up. Not all adults are grown up; some never do. You may have to bite the bullet and grow up before you wanted to, but to survive you may need to see things from an adult perspective.

Be a child as long as you can, but when it is time to take that leap into adulthood, be ready - with your Spiritual life in line and strong in your faith in God (not in mankind; not in your parents). At some point, anyway, when you're in your 60's, you may have to care for your parents, and you would be the adult, caring for an elderly parent that may act childlike and be helpless.

Life is a circle. You're a baby. You grow up. You have a family. Your kids get on their own and have their own kids. You take care of your parents. They pass away. Your kids take care of you. Life is a circle.

Your parents need help ASAP, and Christian counseling focus' on keeping the marriage together more than regular (secular) counselors. Please guide them the best you can, as well as keeping your heart and life together. Don't let their splintering of their lives destroy yours. You are their child. You are not their marriage. They need to work their marriage out and NOT pull you under. Please be patient with them during this rough patch in their relationship. Please DON'T hate either of your parents, no matter what you are told. Time will show what truths remain.

Pray on it, ask God for strength. He will hear you! He will pull you through this, I promise!

Answer 2

I don't know if this is good news or bad, but a LOT of kids go through stuff like this. Talk to other people whose parents fight or have gotten divorced. It's not going to be easy no matter what you do, but at least you can share what you're going through. Any maybe talk to a counselor or trusted adult relative, too. Life does go on after your parents get divorced, and if their relationship was bad, you might find that they're both happier afterward, and you will all end up better off in the end.

I would let your parents know that you know. Then it's out in the open, and you won't have the burden of the secrecy. Also, don't psyche yourself out right now about all the things that COULD happen, like having to move. Talk to your parents first and then take one step at a time.

BTW, if you are in physical danger, call the police, or have a relative get you out of there asap!

Answer 3

This is your parents problem. I know it is hard for you to understand but they have done wrong by not talking to you and letting you hear them fight. They will not stop loving you. Talk to your dad if he isn't aware that you know about the problems. Maybe ask if you can stay at one of your aunt's houses until this fighting blows over and your parents have sorted out a plan. You need to be in a safe environment. Maybe you could stay with a friend. If you don't feel comfortable talking to your dad then give your aunt a call. Your parents might sort it out and stay together, he would have just said that because he is probably very angry at your mom at the moment. It might happen and it might not. Just make sure you are staying somewhere that you feel safe.

Answer 4

Divorce is a very hard thing for everyone involved weather they want the divorce or not. The best thing you can do is talk to your parents. Let them know what you heard and how you felt about it. Ask them "what is going to happen?". But make sure that you talk to them at the right time. If this happen just yesterday this might not be the right time. And talk to them one at a time. Don't worry and try not to take sides and hopefully they wont ask you to take a side. I would also find a counselor to talk to if you are having a hard time at school. Most schools have psychologist in them that are there to help kids that are going through things like this that will effect their school work.

Answer 5

You love both your parents and nothing can change that or their love for you.

Sometimes in a relationship people are lacking in something. Since your mom is cheating on your dad, there may have been something lacking in their relationship which caused her to find what she was missing elsewhere. I'm not saying that that is the right thing to do or the right way to handle it.

Your mom and dad should have gone to counseling and should have been honest about any problems between themselves.

You sound very mature and scared. Speak to your mom or dad or one of your aunts... or speak to a counselor at school.

Answer 6

I am sorry to read your story. But there is no way of dealing with a divorce maybe your mom and dad can work things out. But your mom should of never cheated on your dad that was wrong. Pray and maybe things will work out and your family will stay together I hope for the best for you Good luck hun and I am sorry to hear about your problem

Answer 7

What you need to do first is relax. Yes, this is a tough predicament that you're in, but getting yourself worked up is not going to solve anything. I understand at this point you're probably very hurt and emotional, as anyone would be. So, what you need to do is confide in an adult you can trust that can lend you a helping hand and try to help you understand more about your parents decision.
I want you to realize that none of this is your fault. It doesn't make you mother a horrible mom either, it just makes her selfish. And, at this time, a lot could be running through her mind as well. I am almost positive that your parents need marriage counseling before they can jump to conclusions, that's if they're willing to do so.
Since you mentioned Aunt's, perhaps you could talk to one of them. Inform them that you heard what's going on and you need a shoulder to lean on. This will be hard but it'll make you stronger in the end.

Answer 8

You should tell your parents that you know.

There is nothing you can do to make them start acting like the mom and dad you have known in the past.

It is OK to cry.

Don't worry about what might happen (moving away from friends) since it might not happen and it is a waste of energy.

Being married is very difficult, people feel neglected, unloved and start only thinking of their own happiness and no one elses.

Now is the time to lean on your friends at school.

You do not have to pick sides, they are getting a divorce from each other not from you.

Good luck to you.

Answer 9

Pray first off. However, you can't just think about yourself. Think about them as well. Of course, you may not want to see your parents get a divorce but that may just be the better route for them. Things may change but people are made to adapt to changes. There will be many in your life. My parents just got divorced and I'm happy-in the sense that I know it was needed. If your parents are having problems with cheating, arguing, fighting-that may be what they have to do -for them. They may get alone better afterwards. They may get back together. Hopefully, if one does move, then it will be close and it will not really affect your relationship with either. Wait a few days and see what happens or see if they approach you to tell them about their problem. If you just tell them what you heard, they may feel bad knowing they hurt you in some way. Don't worry yourself-everything happens for a reason. They may need this divorce for realization and for respect of one another.

Answer 10

Yes you need to tell your parents right away what you know as you need assurance of some sort, and do not let them give you a lot of BS. I know this is way out of you depth, but you will feel a lot better if you are kept in the loop and not in the dark is is a lot less scary