We have been together 17 years but the last 5 have been ruff and neither of us has been happy. I have been tried and tried to get his attention to the situation, but he ignores is. After trying for so long last year I gave up and shut down my emotions in regards to him. Now that he know I have had enough, he thinks that I should forget the past and move on. I don't think its that easy. I care about him and always will, but I have no desire to be intimate with him at all. He is very controlling which does not help. We tried a month of seperation, thats all I could get him to agree to. I loved the alone time and he hated it. He has made me feel worthless for years and I don't want to feel that way anymore, but I don't think that will happen living in the same house as him. I feel like I am constantly being judged on everything I do. Its been a year from hell for both of us, we were going to counselors, he quit, he says he has changed everything he can so now its my decision.
2006-11-15 08:16:40 · 25 answers · asked by limbomom 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Kiss him goodbye and go on with your life the way you want to live it....everyone needs happy....go find it......good luck...
2006-11-15 08:19:48 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
His control is only an illusion. Truth be told, you can do anything you want. Whats he going to do beat you up? If he does then you've got a great reason to run.
If he insults your person for control then that is good because his power will be exposed. Once I realized that insults and sex deprivation and the silent treatment was the best that she had, I realized that she had nothing at all after that. When they see their best games fail they panic because manipulators are really just bullies.
People who allow themselves to be manipulated via insults and other degrading methods do so because they get a large portion of their self image from their partner.
With Mr Right you can fly like a bird, with Mr wrong you will sink like a weight.
Sadly the only thing that helped me see that I was worth more than she had me believe I was, was another woman. I'm not suggesting you cheat, but once I realized how awesome i was, there was nothing more that she could tell me to bring me down. As a matter of fact she could see it in my eyes that her methods were useless on the new me and she changed completely.
When you are free you will be able to love him again and even better you will be able to teach him how to love you. When he sees that you are free from him he will be anxious to learn.
Good luck!!
2006-11-15 09:02:33 · answer #2 · answered by Big Marc 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, sounds like he's a quitter when it comes to counseling. What does your counselor say about that? Do they feel it's all the counseling he needs?
You know, it was HE who only agreed on a month seperation. He's a control freak, but you already know that.
Don't ask his permission for a seperation, period!! IF you felt better being away from him, then do it. IF your both so unhappy, you don't have to live like this. WE ONLY LIVE ONCE!!
Why suffer for many more years? Don't! Get out there and do your own thing, and make your own happiness instead of allowing him to bringing you down.
Good Luck!!
2006-11-15 08:26:04 · answer #3 · answered by peggin_beast 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The only thing I can say is this:
The one thing in life that is certain is you CAN turn LOVE into HATE, but unfortunately...it is IMPOSSIBLE to turn HATE into LOVE. No matter how hard you try, there will always be some underlying feelings, whether they are conscious or subconscious feelings, that will affect the hope of turning Hatred into Love.
My best advice is to take a step back, and truly look at the situation...see how you truly feel, and go with that.
2006-11-16 12:15:41 · answer #4 · answered by stefanie s 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The same thing happens to my parents but worse. The only thing i can say is will not get better if it does then i would be so happy for you guys my brother got it from my dad and then he got better no him and his girl are really happy he really changed but my dad didnt because he would promise that she changed but it was all talk he never showed anything at least not more then few months. I think if you want to be happy think of yourself and leave him thats what i say to my mom but she still here she not happy and everytime gets worse and worse. I say think of yourself i know its hard i have a problem too cuz i always think of others unless you LOve Him then get serious conseling.
2006-11-15 08:42:40 · answer #5 · answered by ? 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hmmm...well having gone through a very difficult marriage myself, I would suggest that if you still want your marriage to work that you get counseling again. If he won't go, continue going alone.
One thing you must do is determine the quality of life you want to live, as no one else can do that but you. I will tell you this, if you want your feelings restored for your husband they can be. However, you have to want them to. Plus, he's not helping matters with what appears to be the emotional abuse you have to deal with.
So, ultimately it's up to you. You must decide if this is the life you want to live. If you'd rather stay with him knowing that things really may never get better (but on the flip side, they could get even better than you imagined). Or, if you'd rather be alone and at peace.
2006-11-15 08:23:29 · answer #6 · answered by CafeAuLait 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
People don't change too much. He is pretty much the same guy you fell in love with so if you choose to you have a pretty good chance of finding what you loved about him all over again. As far as intimacy try this.... both of you get nude and spend 10 minutes jsut touching eachother....dont let your hands stop dont speak and agree no sex before you start...not being able to just have what you want like sex makes it desireable.... jsut touch and do this all over until you cant stand it and you love making will be amazing again..... as for the rest...you guys shold date...
2006-11-15 08:40:37 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like your mind is pretty well made up to seperate. If you are really serious about turning your emotions back on , then continue with the counseling. And the word is TRY , you have to give a lil' bit to recieve anything in return.
2006-11-15 08:20:16 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
It seems as tho he has made his decision. It seems like he doesn't want to try anymore.....
..however it also seems like he is dependent on you for things but yet is unappreciative when you do them.
I think, if you can, get out without him more; examples: take trips to family members, go to museum, record stores, parks, work out more, get more absorbed by work, anything interesting to you but not necessarily interesting to him.
If he is interested maybe it might spark something but be careful with involving him with something where he can put u down for not doing it as well as he can.
Like working out just an example you may be in better shape, im just saying be weary of those situations.
If you go to a museum or somewhere where you discuss your opinions on something ..remember its ok to disagree but do it calmly similar to a mediated debate..but you'll have to mediate give him open ended ?s.
Example: you - i like this.
Him - i dont like it. its stupid
You - why
Him - he explains
(You either follow it or you dont if you do just simply say i follow you and move on. If not or if you want to state your opinion after his response say i hear you but what about ... then say your opinion of it.. try and keep things calm and open)
But since you have been to counseling i think you have heard this b4 so ...just keep trying until you cant anymore and thats when you say goodbye
2006-11-15 09:24:52 · answer #9 · answered by ? 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I came from almost a similar situation only i did it for 13yrs and trust me i thought that was the end of the world for because it was just pure hell, but with a lot of prays , i found a better relationship with myself and I'm as happy as ever i can not explain the joy i have in my life now i have no one to answer to but myself in i got engaged to myself (hahaha) just learn to love yourself and everything will work out from there
2006-11-15 08:26:36 · answer #10 · answered by wendyjoseph2231 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
permit me inform you what happens while the two of the companion with carry intercourse. there's a huge risk that the companion who's the objective could do here one million. loose activity interior the companion with conserving 2. turn to discover the answer some the place else 3. experience undesirable and could come across a substitute if this a trend 4. If this maintains and intercourse is incredibly considerable to the objective, the objective will inspect divorcing the with conserving companion I inform you that it is not a solid factor. I examine someplace on youtube some one reported "I make love because of the fact i admire my companion" "i do no longer supply/have intercourse because of the fact he/she did some factor for me because of the fact i'm no longer a prostitute" i think of anybody who think of with conserving is a solid theory could examine this lower back, "I make love because of the fact i admire my companion" AND "i do no longer supply/have intercourse because of the fact he/she did some factor for me because of the fact i'm no longer a prostitute"
2016-12-17 10:42:18 · answer #11 · answered by mays 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋