please help my ex and current wife hate each other,how should i handle this?

Question

been divorced for 4 yrs and married 1yr.have 7 yr old child with ex.my current wife trys to be a good stepmom(plans parties,attends school fuctions..)all of this drives my ex nuts.she feels threatened and feels i should be doing this things with her(since she is the real mom)and not with my current wife.because of this my ex does everything she can to keep my wife from doing things with my son ex. told school not to allow my wife to any info on our son,will not let my wife pick our son up at school...the list goes on.this makes my wife pissed and puts me in the middle.my wife wants me to tell her off.if i do this i feel my son will suffer.i agree with my wife my ex is just pissed that i am happy and married and she is unhappy and single..my ex will not change she is a control freak that is the reason i left her.i just want to keep things smooth for my sons sake but is it fair that my new wife has to put up with this?she and my ex HATE each other so them talking is out.

Answer 1

Your best bet is to get clear on what your "rights" as a parent are - remember, the mother of your child (your "ex-wife") has those same rights. Your wife (non-mother) of your child has "no PARENTAL" rights---that's why the school could say what they did. The school has to answer to the PARENTS of the student and, of course, the law. The "law" guarantees the "rights." Call your attorney and get clarification. Invite your wife to attend a meeting with your attorney so she won't be so upset when your ex-wife exercises her parental rights because she is one of the parents. It's good that you continue to try to smooth things over. For your son's sake, you and his "mom" need to be on the same page. He lives with you and his mom all the time...but with his step-mom part of the time. I can understand that your wife is upset about the picking up at school...but let's turn it around. How would you feel if your ex-wife had a husband that wanted to do a ton of things with your son including picking him up from school and he wanted your ex-wife to tell you off. Sounds kinda crazy when you think of it that way, huh. It IS great that your wife does things with your son!!! Give her many, many thanks and praise. Keep in mind what is best for your son and not your wife. Giving his mom respect will do more for him than simply doing what your wife wants---but may not help you much in the cuddle department---that shouldn't make a difference though, if your wife is doing things with your son to 1) be nice because she is or 2) help take the load off of you. If she's doing it to spite your ex-, you've got a bigger problem on your hands than you realize. May not be answers you were looking for. Pray about it if you pray, that is.

Answer 2

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Answer 3

You current wife needs to understand that there is very little you are able to do under the circumstances. Tell her to just ignore the x and do not allow this stuff to get under skin. Do the things she is able to do with you, she has to just go along, and understand that she and the x will never have a friendship, but for the sake of this little guy, don't argue/talk about mom in front of him. It is only making matters worse within your home and that is what she wants. Reassure your wife (current) this is the way she is there is little if nothing you can do, and part of the reason the two of you are not together. Good luck and God bless*

Answer 4

This is EXACTLY what is happening to me. In this case though, I am the current wife and my husband's X absolutely hates me. Even though I didn't give birth to our kids, they are still considered my kids. I am a mother figure to them and I love them more than anything.

My husband's X flips out if I show up to school functions, scouts, soccer, etc. and refuses to let me pick the kids up from school and would rather have them with a babysitter. She says she doesn't want to share her kids with me and that no matter how long my husband and I "play house", we will never be a family.

My husband has told her off, he's argued with her, I've argued with her, etc. It hasn't done anything but create more bad feelings and the kids sense the animosity. I don't know what to suggest to help except keep telling your wife to be supportive of the kids. Kids are smart and they will see through their mom's BS more and more as they grow up. What your X needs to understand is that if she's not careful, her kids may end up resenting her for treating their dad and their step mom so bad.

I believe in Karma and it will come full circle. Just make sure you and your wife don't stoop to her level. Good luck to you.

Answer 5

You are in the middle and between two women, here goes: your child from your first marriage has a mother you need to remember this, you wife may be stepping too far in your ex's space she needs to pull back a bit, your wife can spend time with your son when he visits you, school functions are for the parents not new wives, sounds to me like your new wife is trying too hard and yes your ex has every right to be upset.

Answer 6

Wow. Well, one or both of these women is very immature. I can tell from your description that your ex-wife is, but I can't tell how your current wife contributes to the negative situation.

It's true, though - the only person they're hurting here is your kid. I understand how hard it is to confront something like this, but I do think that it's time to talk to both of them. Here's my advice:

1. Your son comes first, before either woman. Make sure he's loved, and make sure that you do not badmouth his mother in front of him. Even the queen b*tch should get a reprieve in your child's presence, because it's his mother and she loves him. Don't damage that.

2. Your current wife definitely takes precedence over your ex. If she's contributing to the negativity, though, you need to make sure she knows that's unacceptable to you. It -sounds- like she's actually trying here, though. She might need to "back off" a little in her own right, though... if you suspect she's doing this to trump the kid's mother, maybe it's something that needs to be slowed down on that end as well. After all, your ex's feelings are valid - she's rightfully hurt, and doesn't want to be replaced. But, those feelings just need to be kept in check.

3. Because of #2, yep - you're going to have to talk to your ex-wife about this situation. Stress to her that the situation is not about you or her or your current wife... it's about your son. Let her know that your wife is not trying to replace her in the eyes of your son... but also let her know that it's not fair to deprive her child of experiencing life with you (because let's get to the root of it, here - she's doing all these things to get to you, not your current wife.) and your family. But something has got to give. Your current wife needs access to your child, because whether your ex likes it or not... he has a stepmother, and she can't change that unless the stepmother is unfit (doesn't sound like the case).

EVERYONE in the situation needs to chill out and get along, for the sake of your son. You be the good guy, here. Let -both- of them know that the fighting has to come to a screeching halt. Civility is the only way to keep your son from growing up in an unhappy clusterf*ck.

Keep trying to be the good guy. You may never fix it, but you can do your part to keep from contributing to it. I wish you the best.

Answer 7

sorry you have to put up with that. My advice is this... go to your ex wife alone to discuss this. Make sure that you inform her that you love your son too and whether or not you're remarried does not matter, he is first in your thoughts. She needs to stop being so damn selfish and deal with it. You're married to someone else, who by the way adores your son or you wouldn't be married to her. Assure her that you as your sons parents can come to some sort of compromise as long as it is for the happiness of your son not you and her. I hope this helps, just remember your son is most important in all of this. Good luck

Answer 8

I'm a current wife that is dealing with an Ex-Wife too. What you really need to do is put your x-wife in her place. Your current wife has every right to be involved in your son's life, she is your son's step-mom.
My husband won't put his ex-wife in her place and this is hurting our marriage, because I feel that he is taking the x side and not really listening to what I have to say.
Your Ex-wife is doing this to hurt both you and your wife, and the only weapon that she can use is your son, this is very sad on her behalf, but if you fall for this she will always have you in check. What you need to do is really put your ex-wife in her place and tell her that she needs to back off. That you love your wife and your son is fine with the both of you. Tell your exwife that she really needs to get a life and go and get la*d or something and leave the both of you alone. Your X will not leave you nor your wife alone until you tell her to back off and leave you all alone. When it's your time with your son, it is yours and your wife decision as to what you all do with your time, not hers....

Answer 9

You need to respect your kids mother. Tell you ex to back off the whole stepmom thing for a while. Try it again in a year or so. Your current wife is the one who needs to get along with your ex, not the other way around.

Answer 10

Divorced parents with children always have problems. Jealousy is common. But, YOU are just as much the parent as you ex. She isn't in charge. She doesn't need to like it, but you've got to stick up for yourself. It sounds like you are wimping out, and leaving your wife hanging. I suggest you change, or you may end up with two ex wives.