Because of several family tragedies that happened to my wife of eight years now she claims to have built a "wall" around her heart to protect herself from getting hurt. We have two beautiful young children and the last thing I want is for them to have to grow up in a broken home. At this point we have been discussing divorce over problems that occur everyday. I have tried everything I can think of to try and show her how much I truly love her but because of this "wall" she has she says that its impossible for her to love and care for me "like most people love one another." I'm getting desperate for a way to get back into her heart and she tells me she still love me so why cant she take a chance after 8 years??? Is there anything I can do or should I just give up and go on without her? She hasnt had to work during our marriage and I cant help but worry about how she will make it trying to provide for herself. PLEASE-SOME GOOD ADVICE!!!!!
2006-11-15 05:24:47 · 20 answers · asked by Mike S 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
If you haven't been the cause of any of these family tragedies, I would give her time. She has built a wall because she can't take anymore hurt. Prove to her that you will always be there for her. if she can trust you to be there, and not abandon her she will let the wall down. Talking about divorce will only stregthen the wall. If you really want this to work you NEED to stand by her, protect her, she is hurt and needs to feel some stability. Wish you all the best. I know this is hard for you.
2006-11-15 05:30:10 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
she obviously loves you, she's been there for eight years. There's no one thing you can do or say to just crush this wall in one day. It takes time, and alot of love and trust. The closer and more comfortable she becomes with you, the smaller that wall will become. I know eight years is a long time. And she probably really wants to be totally open and comfortable with you, it's no easier for her than it is for you. But don't leave her over something like this. And just to let you know, you two talking about divorce is not helping to "get the wall down" She has to know that you'll always be there, no matter what, divorce talk gives her doubts. I'm the same way, stay at home mom, and have the same issue with my husband, and I would love it if he would just go out of his way for me, one day, just one time. Hope that helps a little. Good luck.
2006-11-15 13:31:12 · answer #2 · answered by ~~kelly~~ 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Tough question. I know how your wife is feeling, because I was the same way when I met my husband and got married. It was very difficult to get past those experiences that have shaped my life into what it is now. I really felt that after he got to know everything about me, he'd realize he'd made a mistake marrying me and leave. I kept my guard up for a long time, but really that got to be mentally and emotionally exhausting. I had to put a little trust in my husband and see how he handled it - so I shared some of my experiences that bothered me so much and kept me from being truly happy. Then, I gave a little more trust and a little more until eventually (now) I feel like an open book to him. He handled everything with such sensitivity, care and concern I wondered why I'd waited so long to talk to him. Now I feel so close to him, I am thrilled that I took the chance. I think you should ask her some tough questions. What is she afraid of? What will happen (in her mind) if she brings up the past issues or tries to deal with them together with you? What is the worst that can happen and how can it get any worse than it is now? I don't think you should give up yet, but I also don't think you should live your married life in "chains" because she's choosing not to get past her issues and be truly happy and loved. I'd suggest trying to work with her a little more on these things and offer your open heart and mind to her (and please, don't be judgemental because she'll just clam up again). If she's not willing to talk with you, maybe she'll talk to a counselor (alone)? It's important that she learn to be a "whole" person for her husband as well as her children, otherwise she'll just teach them not to trust others as well and the cycle will continue.
Good luck. I really hope things get better.
2006-11-15 13:38:32 · answer #3 · answered by Peach 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
sometimes love isn't enough. she does love you and her children, but is clearly at a trying place with herself in her life. although people marry into a union, and have children making this working unit, there will always come a point when they second guess and doubt, and are left wondering who the hell they are and what the hell the want to do.
maybe i can't explain it, but i can understand it.... my advice is to try counseling like everyone else said, or give her more time, like everyone else said, but i think she says these things to you because she does mean it... even though there is probably a part of her that wants you to prove her wrong and stick by her... i guess you just have to let her be confused for a while longer...
good luck, cuz i don't have a clue how this will work out. she def is depressed and needs counseling and help.
2006-11-15 13:35:12 · answer #4 · answered by don't be rude. 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I had a "wall" too. This is more about her than it is about you or your marriage. Let her have the space she needs to figure herself out, but be ready with open arms when she needs you. She will need you, and she'll probably come and go a few times. She needs to be able to depend on you 100% of the time. It's a careful balance of letting her have her space, but not allowing her to completely isolate herself from everyone she loves. Say things to encourage her - as a mother, as a wife, as a woman. It may take a while, but it'll be well worth it when she does come around.
2006-11-15 13:53:29 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
If she is your soulmate,what's the necessity of the wall?She has already steeled herself against the pain of divorce that you are discussing with her.Tell her that you love her and would like to sort out the problems through open talk.If this does'nt help,take the help of a counseller else a few days seperation would definitely bring about a positive change in her
Best wishes
2006-11-15 13:41:55 · answer #6 · answered by money money 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Honestly, and I don't mean this in a bad way, but many people use the "wall" excuse just to cover the fact that they have fallen out of love. Only you can determince whether this is the case for your wife, but the line is usually just a cop-out because they lack the courage to face the truth.
2006-11-15 13:32:32 · answer #7 · answered by KQ 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Are YOU the one thinking about giving up and moving on without her, cause the most powerful feedback is YOUR OWN WORDS!!!!! "should I just give up and go on without her" somethings wrong, i know your question was heartfelt, but I am impatient... wHAT'S REALLY GOING ON?
A few suggestions to save the marriage... it doesn't have to do with the tragedies she's been thru, but maybe she just needs some romance. You, like, can't go wrong with it. Take her to a bistro with a view of the Eiffel tower! Take her to any bistro with a nice view and candlelight. Give her something that sparkles. Tell her you couldn't wait for your anniversary, so you had to do something nice for her. She needs YOU. But I guaruntee you, if it came down to it, she would make it on her own. We ain't singin about being independant for nuthin!
2006-11-15 14:25:16 · answer #8 · answered by theskyisthelimit02 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Pray for her, for your relationship, for you to have patience.
Biblical counceling~
If you guys start arguing....you be the first to stop it. You know she is the one having the hard time, so make yourself stop, think and be calm.
Love her with all you have in you....even if it starting to get weak!
Give her some "alone" time....maybe pay for her a day at a spa or a day shopping without you or the kids.
I hope this helps....best of luck to you!
Remember if you really love her hang in there and love her with all you have.
2006-11-15 13:43:51 · answer #9 · answered by bellebelle113 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
my experience at building a wall around my heart comes for knowing the trust is gone. From the one person i thought i could trust. can you get it back? No, its given freely with love and commitment. and taken aways by someones selfishness. I have no answer for you. But My heart goes out to your wife.
2006-11-15 13:32:57 · answer #10 · answered by Jeffery's granny 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋