Tourn about having to divorce my wife?

Question

Ok after reading my story most of you will probably say run and never look back, but it is deeper then that, atleast for me anyway. My wife recently had an affair, it lasted for about 5 month, mostly emotional, but they did have sex, what she is claiming only three times. The plot thickens, she is pregnant and both of us are lead to believe it is not mine. We have a seven year old daughter together that with out a doubt is mine. This new baby, if not mine, will look nothing like me becuase of the ethnicity of the other guy. My wife once caught made a full confession and said she was caught up in the moment and all the attention given to her. The affair has been broken off months ago and we are still in contact with each other. This is very difficult for me to deal with and I am unable to come up with the right answers. All of my family is telling be that I am crazy for even considering going back and I am not sure if I could even go back, but there is still something there.

I do believe that she has realived that the grass is not greener on the other side, but it may be to late for me now. I really an tourn. wanting my life back, but then knowing it could never be the same. The funny thing about all of this is that I dont hate her. We were going through a rough patch in our marriage, little communication, but that was still no excuse. She still tells me she loves me and tells me she never wanted to loose me. I do love her, but am unsure if I am in love with her anymore. I also have hang ups about raising a child that is not mine. She is due in the end of January. I really want to try to start over with her and see were it goes, but due to our situation I dont think that can realistically happen. I told her my intent to divorce, but just because I divorce does not mean I want to say its the end. The divorce is ment to take stress of off me and allow me to simply focus on me and what I want.

Answer 1

Wow, a complex question. Thanks for asking. Let's sort this all out a step at a time.

First of all, your wife had an affair, which means that something in your marriage/partnership is missing, at least for her. You need to talk to her and see what it was that made her turn to another man. There are problems here that need to be resolved, or the same thing will keep happening over and over. Be brave enough to hear what she's really saying, even if it hurts or isn't true factually. Emotionally, it may be very true. And be brave enough to change if change is needed. I'd seriously suggest marriage counseling.

Next, there is a baby that is going to be born. No matter whose it is, no matter what it looks like, it will need love and attention and care, ideally from two people who love each other and who love children. Are you prepared to accept this baby as your own, even though its DNA might be different? That's the mark of a real father -- someone who loves a child and who knows that that child needs acceptance and guidance, no matter who the biological father is.

If you are not willing to accept this child, then separate and divorce now. Babies never add stability to a marriage; they add disruption and chaos. Make sure your marriage is very firm first, because a baby in an already disrupted household will simply speed up separation and divorce.

You say there is still something there -- on your part for her. But is there still something there on her part for you? You need to know this, and you need to talk to her about this. If she feels the same, then you could work through this -- it will be hard and messy and will take a while -- and come through the other side. But if she has moved on, then your time is over. That's a hard thing, but true.

No matter what, you will be in each other's lives because you have a daughter together. I think you owe it to your daughter and to the baby yet to be born to get your personal lives and your marriage in order, so you can have a stable, peaceful, non-chaotic home. Children need and crave stability in their lives. So decide now what you want to do -- stay together, get counseling, separate, divorce -- for yourselves and for the sake of your children.

Good luck. I hope all this helps. Good luck to your 7-year-old daughter too, who I'm sure is learning all kinds of life lessons from this, both positive and negative. Remember, kids see and hear everything, and remember quite a bit. So think of the example you are setting for her, and for others around you. Then do the right and ethical thing.

Cheers, K

Answer 2

I gather the guy she had the affair with is of another race. Therefore if the baby comes out mixed you'll know it's not yours. Well babies come out looking white at first. I'm a nurse i know. I think you love her, (your wife!) Ask yourself, if you yourself have been unfaithful? If the answer is no, it's more difficult to deal with the pain.
OK if she want you back, and you want her back, forget what the family thinks. But the only problem I see, is will you be able to trust her again? I doubt it. u would be in constant distrust, better know as misery. I've went through the same thing in younger years, he always had affairs, it was an addiction with him, and now I wouldn't care if he had an affair with a snake, Thank God I've been over him for 20 years. What I don't understand, is if she was having an affair, why would she not use protection? That's the part I'd find UN forgivable.

that she could be married to you and have an affair, is bad enough. But to conceive too! Most women would say, "I can't get pregnant by this guy I'm sneaking around with!" No body on the planet has had a more miserable marriage than i. My husband had kid's from other women too! He would always promise me to do better, he didn't. I just wasted more time trying to believe him. Believe me time will heal all wounds. I think it's time to move on. But always be there for your daughter.

Answer 3

Well for starters.. this isn't the up coming childs fault.. It needs a mother and a father. no matter what it looks like.
the question i guess you are asking is weather to take her back or what to do?
Do you still love her?
Can you forgive her for what she has done?
Is there anyway that you can bring your self to trust her again..?
Does she still love you?
Your key thing in why this happened was that someone was paying close attention to her.. Can you give her more of your attention and be around more to take care of the needs that she was missing out on.
what have you told the 7 year old daughter about why the two of you aren't together?
she also needs both mother and father..
think about if you can get passed the hurt that you have from her and if you both can be a real family .. if you can't bring yourself to do this then it is best to get a divorce..
but if there is a chance.. and you won't constantly be thinking she is out playing around on you.. try again.. and just be happy. and love the new baby as your own..
It all comes down to is how forgiving you can be and not be bringing it back up all the time.
think about it long and hard..Don't take to long the two of you have alot of talking to do to decide what to do here.
an open conversation together is the only way to decide what to do.. even if you can't go back keep on talking.. it will be best for both children.. good luck in what ever you decide to do

Answer 4

Love conquers all.. I think that if you all still love each other and if you can stand raising another mans child then you all should just stay together. A Friend of mine had a 2 year old, cheated had a baby by another woman never got a divorce and now they are a happy mixed family. There son is obviously from another mother but they love him just the same. 9 year later still happy and no more cheating!!

Answer 5

Dude divorce. You can love someone without being married to them. I still have love for my ex but I would never be in love with a person who was not in love with me and obviously if she did this to you, she is not in love with you. The attention thing is a crock. Did she ever ask discuss needing more attention. She is trying to use this to blame you for her cheating, WEAK!

I'm sure she now realizes her mistake but most people do once they are caught. What if she had not gotten pregnant? Do you think she would have keep cheating? What if the guy she was cheating with wanted her? Think she would have went with him?

Now busted she wants to come running back to you because you are familiar. DON'T DO IT! Looking at her newborn child remind you daily of her infidelity and to me, would be VERY hard to live with, no matter if you gave this child all the love in the world (as the child has done nothing wrong).

Answer 6

Of course there is "something" there... You can't just toss many years of attachment out of the window. But do you REALLY want to be with a person who didn't even have enough respect for you to practice safe sex while cheating and lying to you? Trust and respect are the cornerstones of a healthy relationship; a mere sentimental emotional attachment is a rather flimsy foundation on which to build a marriage. If you think about it, I'm sure you will see that you deserve much better.

Answer 7

first you guys should discuss your marriage. do you love her, does she love you? do you and her want to work it out and get passed this? Then you should discuss marriage counseling. this will help you both find ways to communicate better with eachother and give you ways to cope with your wife's affair. ask yourself, can you stay together forever and take care of a child that may or may not be yours. will you have a hard time looking at them in the face, same goes for you with your wife. I think, you both should discuss all possibilities and feelings, seek counseling and if all else fails, or you can't come to an equal understanding, then maybe you should not be together. hope this helps. good luck

Answer 8

Praveen, why U want whether ur action was right or wrong. Do U have a sort of guilt or what. See in such fray, what is reality and who is to blame is only known by oth of sufferer.Its something like nobody is winner. and once U have taken a step then forget the issue as a nightmare and try to establish a good life. because in the opinions if percentage of cursing would be high then U might be having a sort of unnecessary guilt and which would be troublesome for ur onward life so. I wish not to opine rather advise U to live happily.

Answer 9

You know what? Sometimes forgiveness and working through a problem is better than running from it. If you love your wife and think you can get past her affair, then get in to counseling together and 1) decide if the relationship is worth saving and 2) what to do if the child isn't yours. It is possible for a spouse to love the out-of-wedlock child of their partner. Only you know your limitations and what is in your heart.

Good luck to you and your family.

Answer 10

please try and go for marrige consuling. you have a child already who i'm sure if suffering due to all this. u sound like a desent dude. if there is something there then try and maybe u could start loving this baby already. but i know w/help u should be fine. yes this is hard in life but who said that life was ganna be easy. family dont know everything. you have your own family now and u can save it if your man enough to forgive her and u all can move on in a good life. only if u can trust her this is the key to it all happening the right way. if no trust then you are doomed. god forgave our sins and we should only do the same. but if u feel she will step all over u then at least u can say u were man enough to try to save your family.