Do husbands who are control freaks ever change?

Question

My ex-husband was a control freak and abusive. He has custody of my daughter who is 14 and live in another state.

Now, we are thinking of reuniting for the sake of the child. However, he is still controlling - asking me to bring my computer that I use here which is not mine, pay him for the registration and insurance of the car that I would drive in his state.

I don't know if his controlling tendencies will ever change. He also says that I am selfish and its all about me, me and me . I try to negotiate with him about having some things my way if we get back together - own cell phone, keep money separately and not pay expenses of house.

How do I judge the situation?

Answer 1

Getting back together for the daughters sake is a mistake. If you look at what is happening, he is already making plans to make you depend on him. If you go there, you have no home to go back to, he is already telling you what to bring and how to do it. You need to really think about what you are considering doing, because it does not sound like he has changed at all from what you have said just right here. If you pick up and leave where you are, job, home, friends and go to where he is, then he is in control and you are left with nothing to fall back on. He probably has told you to sell all your stuff, because you will not need it there, huh? They rarely change...

Answer 2

'For the sake of the child' is a piss poor reason to reunite, but if you do...your ability to negotiate is at its peak right now. If you don't get what you need in this bargain, then he's not going to give in later. Yes, it sounds as if he is who he is and that's not going to change. Either accept this freak for who he is or don't get back with him for who he isn't. I'm afraid that you'll try to get back together and suddenly remember all the reasons why it didn't work the first time. Who needs to revisit all that grief? You won't be doing the kid any favors either. Separate money, phone, etc...all great ideas. You need to retain your freedom and independence, otherwise get ready for more abuse. Some people just never learn...not even the hard way. Wow!

Answer 3

Control freaks male or female don't change. They do learn to hide their actions and do things behind your back. Be afraid, be very afraid. Why are you an ex? What lead up to that? Did you get any counseling after the divorce? If neither of you got counseling and it was bad enough to separate before, then WHY would you consider putting yourself back in that situation? It's only a matter of time before they figure out the new hot buttons to press and get you under control. It's a form of bullying. Look into bullying in the family on-line and read some.

Answer 4

Well the fact that he has your 14 year old daughter in his custoday and you don't seem concerned about him controlling her, does make it seem he might have some basis that it is all about you you you. If you thought he was such a control freak, why did you allow her to remain with him? HMMMMMMMMM? And if you think that going back with him so he can pay your bills and he's wanting you to pay your own, whats up with that? You are a big girl, why not pay for your own car? As to separate banks accounts, well, I am all about women, especially divorced women, keeping a separate bank account and not putting ALL their money into joint accounts, but I do think you too must contribute to household expenses. So write a check out of yours to his, or pay your half from your account. Whats the problem with that? And if you think he is such a control freak, why are you considering going back to him? HMMMMMMMM? Sounds like you need to work on yourself and get yourself in a better place, financially as well as mentally and stop making choices that will lead you further into bad relationships, as well as being less responsible for yourself, and making others hold the bag for your bad decisions. Try improving your education so you can pay for yourself, hopefully, learn more about who and what you are and make appropiate changes so that a control freak you already divorced isn't your only choice. Good luck!

Answer 5

In any human conflict , it helps a lot when we try our best to find how we may have contributed towards the internecine situation. If the other party persists after we have corrected our mistakes, then it is time to go. Grown ups can't be changed by others, because , unlike with innocent and naive youngsters, grown ups do things on purpose. It is said that " an old dog can't be taught any new tricks" If I were you, I won't want to reconcile. Instead I make the efforts to make the children understand.

Answer 6

For the sake of your child and yourself I'd like to say yes they do change, but really the answer is no, it is a very risky situation. what is the saying? fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. Simply be careful, you know the man best, your judge of character will prevail. Although you are reuniting for the sake of the child, try to look past that for a minute so it doesn't cloud your sense of judgement, weigh up the situation you will putting yourself in or back into.

Answer 7

First of all if he is controlling and abusive don't go back to him. They never change unless it's usually for the worse. And secondly try to get custody of your child away from him. You don't want your child to grow up believing the way he acts towards you is right or normal. Would you want your child to be in a relationship like you are describing? Also if you can't share everything what kind of relationship is it without trust.

Answer 8

Look some things in life never change. A controlling husband is one of them. If you want to go back to living like that, reunite with him. If you want to live a normal life and not put up with his controlling ways of life, stay the course and continue to live by yourself.

Answer 9

Please don't do it. Yall got divorced for a reason and that should be the reason that you stay apart. How was he abusive to you (emotionally,verbally, physically)? I was in an abusive(all three) relationship for two years and was beat almost everyday of it. It's not worth it. They don't change. And get your daughter out of there - take custody. If you can't do that but have the financial resources, move closer to her so that you can see her more, but try to stay away from the freak...

Answer 10

First off, I have to say...you should pay for the registration and insurance on the car he is giving you to drive. It's your car. Take responsiblity. He isn't on this earth to baby you. I don't see that behavior as controlling. He expects you to take responsibility for yourself and a grown and independent woman. So do it.

Other than that, I don't think that at their core, people can change. Inside, our souls determine who we are...adn they are unflinching for the most part. You married him once for a reason, and are thinking of reuniting for a reason too. Think it through and do what is best for all of you.