Do You Like This Poem???

Question

You dont know how deep someone can peer into your soul
How much someone can take form you leaving you with nothing
I`m completely dead on the inside
Although on the outside it may seem like im alive, functioning perfectly
But on the inside I`m completely emotionally numb
Having lost the ability to feel
any way or any type of emotion
I feel nothing.

Answer 1

Well, you did not deserve the first answer.

I will try to discuss your writing, making the basic assumption that you wrote this honestly and are requesting some honest feedback.

You have written a set of sentences directly describing your emotions and the hurt someone has done to you. You intended to make this a poem, and want an honest answer: does someone like it as a poem?

Well, I think you have a good idea of tragedy and sorrow, and that you could make this a better poem, so I will try to help you with that. The thing I like is that you've made an attempt at a poem.

If you look at the definition of Poem in Webster's, or the Oxford English Dictionary, or The American heritage dictionary, you come up with something like this:

A verbal composition designed to convey experience, ideas, or emotions in a creative, beautiful, and imaginative way, characterized by the use of language chosen for its sound and suggestive power and by the use of literary techniques such as meter, metaphor, and rhyme.

I place the definition for a reason. Your writing cries out to be defined as a poem, but needs some poetic elements to lift it from the everyday paragraph. I realize the modern poets often read as if words were only sentences and paragraphs (read Jorie Graham, your words are at least as descriptive as hers, and she is at Harvard).

But I think you need to look at metaphor and images, and seek the words that catch your mind and heart and roll across our perception with that sudden understanding of your cold heart and sordid pain.

Look at a few lines from Sara Teasdale, on the same subject:

Her hair was dull and drew no light
And yet its color was as mine;
Her eyes were strangely like my eyes
Tho' love had never made them shine.

Her body was a thing grown thin,
Hungry for love that never came;
Her soul was frozen in the dark
Unwarmed forever by love's flame.

This is part of a larger poem, but you can see the similarity to your written cry, although the expression is so different.

Rather than simply describe your situation, you might try to relate it to images pictures, and then put your descriptions into a natural rhythm, perhaps an angry one.

Find many words for each description, and begin to choose the ones which cut the same way your feelings cut. It is a little more work, but your poetry will be much better for it.

Answer 2

I like it but I think you have to dive deeper. Bring the idea to life with some vivid imagery. And perhaps edit it differently, breaking up the lines for emphasis for example:

you don't know how deep
someone can peer into your soul
how much someone can take from you
leaving you
with nothing
I'm completely dead inside
although on the outside i may seem alive
functioning perfectly
inside i'm completely numb
having lost
the ability to feel
any way or any type of emotion
I feel nothing.

Think of things you could compare it to: a black hole, an abyss. Just write what comes to mind. Think in terms of images. What do you see when you think of hollow, dead, numb: a bleak desert landscape? A skull, a dying tree? Let your mind drift. Think in pictures. I see a person looking out a window on a rainy grey day. A person who can't even cry. Expressionless. Like a sculpture, stone, hollowed out. Unmoving...Or numb like an anaesthetized person? Like a zombie? So many more graphic ways to describe this feeling. Play around with ideas.

I've been writing poetry for decades. Only had a few published. Kind of gave up on it (was hard to take 50 rejections for every one that got published). Turned to songwriting now.

You have the angst & that's the important thing for a poet! The rest of the stuff will come. Just keep writing. I used to write constantly & out of 100 poems maybe 2 would be really good. Write quantity & you'll get quality. & read poetry. Read the greats (Leonard Cohen, Margaret Atwood, etc). Find your own voice.

Just suggestions! What do I know anyway?

Keep at it! Good luck! The world needs more poets. We just don't make much money at it! But hey, it's the best therapy going!

Answer 3

Poem? Sounds like a cry for help. Youre beautiful, and obviously artistic. Lifes too short girl. I suffer from anorexia, manic deppresion, OCD, and bipolar disorder. It's SOOO not fun being medicated all the time or being hauled off to some hospital at random against yor will. Your opinion in society will be nothing. You gotta fight to be well. Once you are, never look back.

Answer 4

For me a poem has to have rhythm. It does not always must rhyme however it demands to hit my feelings. I believe readability of expression is predominant as good. I do not love to moment wager what I'm studying approximately. I continuously seem for what I time period "poetic gem stones"within the textual content.

Answer 5

It seems as if the author is/was hurt, in which case, he/she has done a marvelous job portraying the pain and how it has disabled his/her senses.
I can't say I "like" it, as it is not uplifting or encouraging. Yet the poem is effective in making the reader wanting to reach out to the author. The poem is well-written and is a good piece of literature.

Answer 6

Your poem is kinda cliched but what really matter are the emotions you put in the poem regardless of how you wrote it...



I love the way you think and the fact that you're being somehow honest with what you feel....














but ironically, you're not entirely telling the truth, you don't feel nothing...





you feel sad, alone, and abandoned.

Answer 7

Everyone feels that way when someone they love leaves them.

Everyone.

I'm not happy that you have to go through this. I'm not happy anyone does. But we do, and so all you've done is describe something that everyone already knows too much about.

Read "my father moved through dooms of love", by e.e. cummings

Answer 8

No, because it is not yet a poem. A poem is created through oblique reference: images painted in the mind by simile, metaphor; alliterative patterning; symbolism etc. You need to change this descriptive prose into one of the hardest things to create, a poem.

Answer 9

No, I think it is a real downer. Some folks will though as feeling the pain of others is their thing.

Answer 10

Pretty cool.

It sounds like someone took a big bite out of someone (so to speak).