I have been dating my boyfriend just short of a year. We have known each other about five years and met again through a mutual friend last year in January and started dating. We have only been exclusively dating since March 2006. We have grown very close and to be honest I think I knew when we met again that he was "the one". Recently we talked about moving in together, which we decided not to do because of our families and our spiritual beliefs. The conversation brought up the fact that he has been thinking about marriage. We decided that we would be engaged and married by the time we moved in together and chose a wedding date in June because it fit our time line to plan the wedding and for him to actually propose. We started to plan - looked at rings, sites and making guest lists. Then out of the blue he told me last weekend on Saturday (which also happened to be our 11 month anniversary) that he felt like we were moving too quickly and we had not been together a year.
2006-11-14 16:42:24 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
He has OCD and told me at the time that he does not know how much of this change of heart has to do with his needing to do everything a "certain way" and us not doing this the way that he had "planned" originally when he thought about marrying me - he wanted the whole thing to be a suprise and wanted me to have the ring, etc before we looked at sites - I did not push him ... he wanted to look and we chose to do it together. I thought we were both on the same page. Now he wants us to wait to even get engaged till June and I am scared to death. I am scared to stick my heart on the line again and get to June and him change his mind again. Or what if we get four weeks out from the wedding and he changes his mind. I am scared! I know that there are no guarantees in life, but I don't know how to deal with this. I have read everything I can on OCD from the beginning and I work to be supportive, but this time I am having a hard time because my heart is broken.
2006-11-14 16:50:00 · update #1
I am having a really hard time "turning back" the clock in my head to before the marriage talk. I am having a hard time not taking this whole thing personally. How do I go back now with out pulling back too far in fear of getting hurt? How can I just pretend like none of this has happened? Should I wait on him now knowing that this could happen again?
2006-11-14 16:51:37 · update #2
For your sake and his, both of you need more time. Although you don't feel that you need the extra time and that you are sure of him, the fact is that he is not absolutely sure at the moment. I know that hurts but you need both to agree before moving forward. Here's what both of you can do:
1) Agree on taking more time. Also agree on a timeframe to review the situation and decision on the marriage plans. Could be 1 month or 3 months or longer
2) You mentioned "spiritual beliefs". Try going for marriage counseling. They should help you and your boyfriend to be more sure about each other.
3) Spend time really getting to know important things about each other. For example, does he/do you know each others':
- Greatest fear
- Biggest wish for yourself/each other
- Strongest childhood impact
- Parental expectations
- Short/mid/long term financial plan and management
- etc
And if he really has a psychological disorder (OCD), he should treat it, be it spiritual healing or the psychologist.
2006-11-14 16:59:55 · answer #1 · answered by Dewdrop 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm sorry for the pain you are feeling. He is half right. You are having relationship issues, not OCD issues. But the relationship issues are coming from his behevior, not yours. There is no excuse for the way he is treating you. It is not the OCD. It is good of you to try to separate the man from the disease, but the disease is not going to go away. It is part of who he is. It is also good of you to not want to leave someone who is sick. Maybe on some level you wouldn't want someone to leave you because of your troubles. But this does not sound like someone who is loving and caring and giving but gets upset if you don't wash your hands. This is someone who is treating you badly and is unwilling to face how he is treating you. OCD can be a somewhat isolating disease. People who constantly put other people down tend to end up isolated, too. PTSD puts you at a risk for social isolation. This is a very bad combination for you. You need someone who treats you will and makes you feel safe. He might not make all the troubles of the world go away, but you will look forward to seeing him rather than bracing for the next issue of the day. This constant imminent attack is not good for anyone, but it is especially bad for someone with PTSD. I have given all kinds of medical and relationship advice on YA!, and I have never been this blunt: Leave him. Now. He is very bad for you. It is easy to withdraw into your shell and just live day to day. It may be hard to break out of emotional hiding long enough to get rid of him, but you will be so much better for doing it.
2016-03-28 06:08:40 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I know it seemed out of the blue to you but I doubt it was for him. He's probably been thinking about this for a long time. And yeah, under a year is pretty fast to decide you're ready to marry someone. So I thinnk he's on the right track, and he's also probably scared...which indicates he's not ready. Try doing things in a more step-like fashion...how about you move in together, see how that goes, then talk about engagement.
2006-11-14 16:48:14 · answer #3 · answered by ixi26c 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hmmmmm . . . it sounds like the wedding is freaking him out. When my hubby and I were planning ours it completely took over our lives, and we ended up fighting constantly over stupid stuff because we were 100% focused on the wedding, not what it actually meant for us as a couple. You should sit him down and have a serious heart to heart, and get to the bottom of his sudden cold feet. If it is something more serious, it's better to find out now before the wedding then end up in a marriage you regret.
2006-11-14 16:48:18 · answer #4 · answered by danni_d21 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
sounds like he is getting cold feet. it is natural. if he has ocd he may also be dealing internally with feelings that you might reject him if you live with him. just know that it will pass. try going to your church or synagogue for couples counseling...it can be very helpful in getting rid of some jitters, good luck
2006-11-14 16:49:43 · answer #5 · answered by beckdawgydawg 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have alot to talk about to each other maybe he is just getting cold feet or maybe its something else...talk talk talk that is what a relationship is all about..i just myself learned this in the past few years.
2006-11-14 16:48:08 · answer #6 · answered by sammy 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
thats not good sweetie im sorry...and the fact he told you that on your anniversary sucks..hit him up but remember this is sposed to be the honeymoon period of your relationship when everything is practically perfect.
2006-11-14 16:46:14 · answer #7 · answered by darkling 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋