I agreed to join the swinger's lifestyle for my husband?

Question

I did it to please him. But now I want out because I feel that I am compromising myself. My husband doesn't care about my feelings.He remains condescending and angry about my decision. I don't know what to do.

Answer 1

Respect.

You both obviously both did it for the same reason. For him. If he doesn't know how to respect others and their choices, then he shouldn't be participating in the lifestyle either. You tried it. You didn't like it. He should feel blessed that he got that much out of it.

Answer 2

My husband and I were once in that lifestyle. We thought it would "spice up our sex life." It did that and nearly destroyed it. We were at a point in our marriage when we were talking to lawyers. My husband, in the years we were in the lifestyle, became addicted to sex. Porn, wanting to get with other women, it all became about him and his wants and needs. He didn't take time for his family or me. I even left him, and took our children with me, for a month. Being in this life style was a horrible decision for us and it looks like it's the same way for you. The fact that he's "condescending and angry" about your decision tells me that he might possibly go out and do it with out your knowledge or maybe already has or is thinking about it. He needs counseling for this addiction and you both need marriage counseling. I don't recommend divorce as an easy way out not matter what other people say, because that won't make the problem go away. It could create even more though. Talk to your pastor or a counselor and tell him/her what's going on. If you don't feel comfortable, don't do it because he wants you to. The fact that he's uncaring about your feelings tells me right there he won't stop until he can manipulate you into doing it again.
We just celebrated our 10 yr wedding anniversary in August and are closer and stronger than ever. We our kids are happy to have their Daddy back and that he's more attentive and loving than ever, to them and to me. I pray this helps you. God Bless!

Answer 3

You do know what to do because you answered your own question when you said,"But now I want out because I feel that I am compromising myself." You own your body he doesn't. Now you will have to be tested for STD's or whatever because of this lifestyle choice. Not so fun is it? Think about it too, if your husband continues then you should seriously think about leaving. Because he is bringing home whatever to you too. So it sounds like a really bad situation. Stand up for you, ok and be strong. Your health depends on your choices you make.

Answer 4

This is a common example of "we tried swinging and it was terrible". In reality it isn't swinging that was terrible, but the people involved in it. Let me explain.

Swinging is something that is done by a couple for the couple. If both members of the couple are not both into the idea, and one is being coerced or manipulated into it, than resentment starts to build and puts pressure on the relationship.

If someone is being coerced or manipulated into swinging, I'm sure that same person is being coreced and manipulated into other things in the relationship, too. You have a situation with one member being a control-freak and the other being codependent. This is not a healthy way to have a relationship to begin with. And swinging will just add to the problems already existing in the marriage since you are not on level ground with each other. Which in swinging you absolutely must be for it to work.

Again, this has nothing to do with swinging, but with your relationship in general. The problem you describe with swinging is just a symptom of a larger problem in your relationship that you two need to work on. If you already have issues, adding more will not help.

Neither my wife or I got into the lifestyle to "please" the other. It is something we both wanted to do. But our relationship was on very solid and level ground then. And it is even more so now.

One major rule of swinging is "if it doesn't work for either of you individually, than it doesn't work for you as a couple." This may be a person your interested in or just swinging in general. But everything in a relationship should be this way, not just sex. If you are uncomfortable with doing it than your husband shouldn't push the matter and should accept your feelings. That is what people in a healthy relationship do. They accept and respect the other's ideas and feelings.

Again, please don't think this is about swinging, because it's not. This is about something bigger in your relationship that you two need to work on, whether you swing or not. In this case swinging is just adding more problems and resentment on your part because you are being manipulated into do it (i.e. "I did it to please him"). Seek some professional marriage counseling.

Answer 5

You have yourself in a big mess. This is his way of having other women with your permission, he is cheating, but it is ok because you are right there with him kind of thing. If he is not wanting to stop to please you, then you either live with it or get out. After all you done this to please him, is he not thinking about that? No, he isn't. This is hurting you and at this point all he can think about is the next time he can "cheat" with your permission. I can't imagine a loving husband to even think about asking his wife to participate in such a thing. Now, my husband wants special time often, but has never asked such a thing from me. You deserve a man who loves you and only you and wants special time with you and only you. I know your heart is breaking, but sounds like you need to move on. I just hope there are no children involved in the marriage. I can't bring my self to think about how a father could ask the mother of his children to do these kinds of things. I hope you are a strong person and can leave with out looking back.....My prayers are with you.

Answer 6

It's obvious that you're uncomfortable about this decision. Anyone who would push you into doing things you're not comfortable with does not have your best interests at heart. Ask your husband to give it up too. That kind of lifestyle can be devastating to a marriage.

Answer 7

What your husband did was wrong, he pressured you into something that your not comfortable with, and I'm guessing you did it because he wanted you to.

He wasn't thinking about you at all, he was thinking only of himself, and made it sound like he was thinking of you by wanting you included.

He's listening to the message of society today, that it's all about me, me, me. Well he needs to stop thinking about himself, and think of you before himself, and of your feelings and your needs.

I've been in that horrible "lifestyle", and all it is trouble, and any couple who says that it's helping their marriage is lying. Because all it does is destroys trust in a marriage.

I'm sorry that you were pushed into this lifestyle.

I doubt that he would agree to it, but I think you both need to go through marriage counceling, because you can get through this, but it's not easy. And marriage counceling will work if you both work at it.

Hope that this helps.

Take care and God Bless

Answer 8

You aren't comfortable with that lifestyle, quit. If a married couple can't agree on how they want to live, it's more than likely not going to work out. Try and get some counseling.

Answer 9

I dont think this guy loves you. If he needs to get fulfillment from having sex with strangers, then there is something wrong. Although I give you credit for trying to please your husband, you shouldnt have to compromise yoursel for anyone!! It sounds like you and him need to have a serious discussion. If you knew he was a swinger, why did you marry him?

Answer 10

Yes you do know what to do. You don't do anything you don't want to do. Its your body, you control it. NOT your husband. However, I will say this, since you are closing the relationship down back to monogamous you are in for a hell of a fight. Its not looking good if your husband doesn't respect your thoughts, feelings, and actions.